When it comes to sex and intimacy, there's unfortunately a boatload of miscommunication that can happen, especially when the parties involved have different needs and expectations for what goes down in (and out of) the bedroom.
TikTok user and sexual wellness advocate @crocodilecamm basically hit this right on the head with her viral video sharing why she believes many women in committed relationships don't enjoy having sex with their male partners:
In the TikTok, which has nearly 5 million views and thousands of comments, @crocodilecamm lip-synchs, "Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk," while text over the screen reads: "A lot of women aren't having sex with their male partners because the ONLY time they're giving us physical intimacy, it's with an end goal in mind. Responding in the beginning feels like signing a contract to the end."
Raise your hand if this made you feel seen and heard in ways you did not expect.
If you identify with this, you're not alone! Unfortunately, what @crocodilecamm describes is not a rare or isolated incident, judging by the comments section:
BuzzFeed reached out to @crocodilecamm, who said that a combination of her own experiences paired with the experiences she heard about from other women ultimately led to her sharing the TikTok: "It started with watching endless amounts of TikToks, listening to podcasts, and hearing stories from other women that led me to start examining my own feelings around sexual initiation within my male/female relationship. For me, it was a combination of reacting to previous traumas with coercion, and feeling as if responding to a kiss in the beginning was like signing a contract for sex."
When asked why she thinks so many men view acts of physical intimacy like kissing, cuddling, and touching solely as a gateway to sex, @crocodilecamm told BuzzFeed that it likely has a lot to do with the stark difference in how men and women are taught to view sex and intimacy. "The regular media we see that highlights men almost always has the messaging that all they want is sex, and nothing more. Then, in contrast, we have women who are taught to enjoy the softer sides of intimacy like touch, kisses, and cuddles."
"The moment those activities are deemed as feminine, they no longer fit into the life of a man who prioritizes the ideals of patriarchal masculinity. I personally believe that if men aren’t actively unlearning this sort of patriarchal masculinity, it’s no wonder they're always focused on sex over gentle intimacy."
To dig even deeper into this issue, I reached out to Dr. Kate Balestrieri, a Licensed Psychologist, Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, PACT Therapist, and Founder of Modern Intimacy, a sex therapy practice with locations in Los Angeles, Miami, and Chicago.
Dr. Kate Balestrieri not only confirmed that this dynamic is very common in cishet relationships, but also that the core reason behind it has to do with the way we socialize men and women to communicate affection and intimacy. "For many men, their masculine identity is one that required them to eradicate all things feminine from their personhood. That often means nonsexual forms of intimacy, especially with other men. Since sexual pursuit is a behavior welcome under the construct of masculinity, many men use sex to communicate many feelings."
"Conversely," she continued, "women are often conditioned to desire sex after emotional connection, and see cuddling, holding hands, kissing, etc. as expressions of emotional connection necessary for sexual desire. When their partners initiate touch, with the sole purpose of converting touch into sex, many women begin to feel objectified and used for sex."
"It is a difficult impasse," Dr. Balestrieri told BuzzFeed. "Women are conditioned to seek out sex after emotional connection, and men are conditioned to seek out sex to get to emotional connection."
Dr. Balestrieri explained that when men and women in a heterosexual relationship find themselves at this sticky sexual impasse, the results are...not great. "Men who are looking to sexually and/or emotionally connect with their partner may feel want for an enthusiastic response, and may not understand that their approach and lack of other touch are signaling either a lack of mutuality, or a lack of interest in their partner as a whole person. Women on this side of the dynamic often feel unimportant, disrespected, used, and like their sexual and emotional experience is only engaged with in service of their partner’s pleasure or needs. On both sides, expect resentment, anger, entitlement, and feelings of loneliness."
Both @crocodilecamm and Dr. Balestrieri agree that when it comes to solving this issue, open communication is THE place to start. "I would recommend asking your partner to listen with an open heart, to set their ego aside for a moment, and listen completely to how that sort of pattern makes you feel, and how it subsequently affects the relationship," @crocodilecamm told BuzzFeed. "A good partner will listen and make the necessary changes!"
"It is imperative that couples talk about the importance of non-sexual touch, and consider that it may mean different things to each partner, and that each partner may have different needs around frequency and the kind of touch desired, as well as vulnerabilities around initiating or receiving non-sexual physical touch and intimacy. Where there are discrepancies, there is room for a collaborative solution," Dr. Balestrieri told BuzzFeed.
Furthermore, Dr. Balestrieri recommends that people of all genders "seek out secular sex education that is not porn to learn more about how to better pleasure themselves and each other. Also, take the time to learn about relational health and how to communicate effectively with each other."
"These are often not skills we're taught growing up, and once couples learn to get more curious with each other, less defensive, and learn how to handle difficult conversations with effective strategies, these kinds of miscommunications and impasses become less frequent and have less of a rupturing impact."
And last but certainly not least: "Remember, no one owes anyone else sex, nor should they be manipulated, coerced, or forced to have sex, period." Dr. Balestrieri said. "Stop saying things like, 'My girlfriend/wife won’t give me sex.' Sex isn’t something you do to another person or something they give to you. Partnered sex is a co-created experience that you embark on together."
