Being a parent is HARD WORK. And more often than not — hate to say it, but it's true — most of that work falls on the mom if the parents are in a heterosexual relationship.
With that in mind, shouldn't the person who's doing most of the work be entitled to a little break once in a while? That's exactly what Reddit user u/Suspicious_Light_190 (or OP; for Original Poster) wanted to know when she asked in the Am I The A-Hole subreddit if she was wrong to ask for a week-long vacation away from her partner and three kids.
Here are the details, according to OP:
"Me and my partner are in a disagreement. He thinks I'm selfish for considering this. I don't think I am. He suggested I post here to see what you all say."
"We have been together 12 years. My partner has two responsibilities in terms of the house. He walks the dogs in the morning, and he goes to work full-time (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.). More often than not, he falls asleep at 8 p.m. He works in IT. We have three children (7, 4, and 2) and I am fully responsible for their care, as well as every household duty, laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I am a stay-at-home mom, but I am also self-employed, so after I look after the children all day, I then work for a couple of hours on my laptop."
"My birthday is coming up. I asked my partner what he would think if I booked myself a vacation, for a week, on my birthday and went on my own. Then, if he could use his PTO to take time off to look after and spend the week with our three children — taking them to school and taking care of the house."
This is where OP's husband really showed who he is as a partner and a father: "He told me I was selfish. I asked, 'It's selfish to want to go on holiday for a week for my birthday?' He said yes."
In case you weren't fuming yet, OP then goes into more detail on how little her partner helps day-to-day. "My partner hasn't done a load of laundry in ten years. He cooks dinner 'occasionally' (2 times a month). He doesn't vacuum, mop, or mow lawns. I get it, he's tired and he works full time, but I work too, and I don't feel appreciated. I just want a week where I don't have to placate a crying child, or stop the toddler from running into traffic, or worry about everyone else's good time while sacrificing my own."
"The last time I spent time away from the children/house was when we went out for dinner for his birthday in March (After they were asleep. I organized the babysitter). Oh, and my pap smear, which he tried to make me take the children to even though he was home. The holiday would be paid for entirely by me. He gets 28 days of PTO, not including bank holidays. Last year, he lost 12 PTO days because he didn't take them."
OP's experience speaks to something moms face on nearly an everyday basis. The bottom line is that, generally speaking, moms tend to do the bulk of household duties and emotional labor involved in parenting. And as a result, it's way more fun and manageable to be a dad than it is a mom, and moms end up being "grateful" when dads do literally anything at all. It's a messed up system and a literal nightmare!!! And it's 100% on fathers to step up and make things more equal.
But OP's partner didn't do that, so pretty much everyone was on OP's side in the comments on the thread. Many pointed out that she's literally doing all the work and encouraged her to take the holiday.
"You’re not a stay-at-home mom. You have a part time job. Your division of home labor is insanely unbalanced, and all of it falls to you. Of course your husband refuses to let you take a holiday, he’d have to actually lift a finger to parent his own children if you did.
Please, for your own sake, book that holiday and inform him you will be going. Perhaps if he had to do a fraction of everything you’d done for years, he’d finally see how unfair he’s been to you."
Another suggested that she try and make her partner see the actual dollar value of her labor, because it's A LOT.
"Just the childcare you're doing is a full-time job with children those ages. Added to that you're doing all the housework, all of the cooking (two times a month is not frequent), AND 2+ hours of self-employment working from home. It sounds like you have multiple full-time jobs, while he has one. Consider pricing out what it would cost to have someone do your work full-time as an experiment. How much would it cost to hire a nanny for three children of those ages full-time? How much would it cost to hire a maid to complete the house chores you do? How much would hiring a lawn service cost? How much would having a home cook, or having meals delivered every day cost? Do you walk the dogs outside of the time he does in the morning? If so, add it to the list.
Those are the costs of your labor. That's what the two of you save by you doing that work. There's a decent possibility those labor costs would cost more money than he makes, and the hours those people would need to work to complete the work you are doing easily total more than the hours he's putting in at the office and walking the dogs in the morning. This doesn't even include whatever you make at the work-from-home job you do after dinner."
Some suggested couples therapy to try and work out a more equal partnership...
"I'm not sure you need a holiday as much as you need couples therapy, tbh. This sounds like a hugely unfair setup and no wonder you are feeling so burned out. He's not pulling his weight at all here — sounds completely draining to be married to a partner who does so little and apparently is willing to do so little more (take your kids to an invasive medical test?! No thanks). I think you need to address that underlying issue."
...and others just straight up said, "divorce."
"Use that money to get a divorce, get 50/50 custody so while he'll be struggling in his weeks with the kids, you have time to work, go on holidays, and do whatever you want.
Right now, he's just an extra child who doesn't contribute anything. IT is not a labor-intensive, physical job. He won't die from doing laundry or cooking dinner. But you are enabling him, which you need to stop doing.
Don't ask him if you can go out, go on holiday, or whatever — tell him. They're his kids, too, and if he can't survive one week alone with them, that's completely his problem.
Stop doing his laundry, making his food, and doing other chores for him. If he doesn't like it, he can leave."
I know where I stand on this, but what do you think? Is OP selfish to want a break from her partner and kids, or is her husband the selfish one for deliberately putting nearly all of the parenting work on her? Share your thoughts in the comments.
And for more drama-filled stories — like the woman who eviscerated a guy for manspreading a plane — click here.
Note: Text and thread comments have been edited for length/clarity.