In many cultures, it's considered customary that once you find a romantic partner, you eventually move in with that partner and enmesh your lives. Sharing a living space, sharing a bed, sharing pretty much everything, really!
But, this living situation doesn't work for every single person on the planet. And recently, there have been discussions about different ways to create a home together and still maintain a perfectly healthy relationship.
Daniella, a 41-year-old brand manager from Ohio, recently added to the conversation by sharing how she and her partner live together-but-separate in a duplex with their own apartments. Her video quickly went viral, amassing over 2.5 million views.
Stitching a video making a case for partners having separate bedrooms (also a valid argument), Daniella says, "I'm gonna give you reasons to have your own apartment," and goes on to explain her and her partner's living situation.
"My partner and I have been together for four years, and two years ago, we bought a duplex. I live in one unit; he lives in the other. We have never lived together all the time."
Daniella then gets into the reasoning for this decision, along with the benefits: "We're both divorced. We got used to living alone. We also both have kids. I have a daughter; he has a son, so we have two only children. We have different design aesthetics. I'm a maximalist; he is not. We don't fight about who does the dishes; we each do our own dishes. We don't fight about clutter, we don't fight about messy bathrooms, we are responsible for our own spaces."
Additionally, Daniella explains, "This also protects us from financial calamity. If one of us lost our job or some other thing, we could all live in one unit and rent the other one out. It wouldn't be comfy, we don't wanna do that, but we could and not lose the house."
"We have a beautiful home," she concludes. "It's working out great. I love it here."
Daniella even shared a tour of her half of the duplex, which shows off her "maximalist" decor style:
BuzzFeed reached out to Daniella, who said that she and her partner were inspired by the idea of a "bridge house" early on in their relationship. "Since we were both previously divorced and we each have a child from our previous marriages, we knew we didn't want to live together in the traditional sense. However, two separate buildings and a bridge were out of our means, so we began talking about a duplex."
They also decided it would be the best decision for their children. "Blending our families completely didn't feel like a good option for us for a lot of reasons, but mostly because we felt our kids deserved (and needed) to have space and one-on-one time with their parents. We started dating in August 2019 (we're about to hit our four-year anniversary!), so we had only been together a few months when the pandemic hit, making things more complex as we worked to find a balance for developing our relationship, entwining our families, and maintaining healthy boundaries that didn't move things along too quickly."
"We had a little bit of a trial run at living apart-together during the pandemic when we shared a babysitter for our kids who helped them with remote school for a year. So, each day, we came together as a family to work/school but then would go to our separate spaces at the end of the day. After two years of living in separate apartments about two miles apart, we were both ready to buy a home, and we decided we were ready to look at duplexes together."
People flooded the comments in support of Daniella's arrangement, but Daniella mentioned that her video has been pretty polarizing. "Lots of folks find it interesting or even aspirational, but just as many seem to be deeply bothered by the idea that there are different ways to build or maintain romantic partnerships. I've responded to quite a few of them offering further context, but honestly, I'm not forcing anyone to live like this, so their being bothered doesn't bother me."
In terms of how the living situation has affected their relationship as a whole, Daniella told BuzzFeed, "I love knowing that he's only a flight of stairs away if I need anything: from a hug to help with something. I also love that we're comfortable and confident enough in our relationship that we don't feel like we need to spend every spare moment together. We both have hobbies and enjoy time alone, and we also both feel really committed to spending quality time with our individual children. Every decision we've made in the last two years, from where to buy our home, to repairs/upgrades to the space, to when and where to take family vacations, has been done in equal partnership, There is no default caregiver, default decision maker, or default schedule."
When asked if she thinks people are becoming more open-minded about alternative living arrangements for families and couples, she responded, "I absolutely do! I had never heard of anyone in a long-term committed relationship living like this until just a few years ago, and now, I've found lots of other people online and off who have created families and partnerships that look all kinds of ways. The Living Apart Together movement has a lot of variation even within people who identify with that term: from legally married people who live across the street (or town) from each other, to polyamorous partnerships living in one or more homes with partner(s), to folks who are dating living separately with no intention of ever living any closer than they currently do. I think it's really beautiful how people find ways to create meaningful connections that don't prescribe to a traditional or nuclear family."
Ultimately, Daniella decided to share her and her family's story because she's proud of the home they've built together. "I also think a lot of people assume that the next stage in a committed relationship is marriage and sharing the same bed every night. I think it's important to show other ways to be committed and in love. I want my daughter to grow up in a world where she doesn't feel obligated to a specific kind of romantic dynamic, so sharing how I've built my relationship offers other people the same opportunity to see there are other options."
