You've probably heard the term "weaponized incompetence" thrown around quite a bit in the last few years, mostly thanks to the term gaining popularity on TikTok. Basically, it refers to when a partner pretends not to know how to do something in order to get out of doing it. Re: laundry, grocery shopping, etc. It's not exclusive to a certain gender, but straight men tend to be the ones who do it the most.
Cooper herself also has personal experience with weaponized incompetence. In fact, she ended a relationship over it. "The breaking point was when he didn't file the paperwork necessary for our international marriage to be legal, saying it was too hard to make the phone calls and he didn't know what to do. Eventually he had his mummy pick up the slack. We were in our late 20s, the man knew how to google and pick up a phone. Because we were citizens of different countries, timing was tight and getting paperwork done was vital to everything working. I remember this moment as the one where I realized that it didn't matter how important the situation was or how much was on the line, he would simply claim he didn't know how until I (or his mother) picked up the slack. He would let things fall apart before handling his life himself. I refused to marry into a lifetime of parenting this man, and shortly after this, I walked away."
Unsurprisingly, most of those who responded to Cooper's Twitter thread were women sharing their own stories of when a male partner dropped the ball. And yes, they're just as frustrating as you'd imagine. Here's just a few:
So, yes...weaponized incompetence is indeed real, and it must be stopped. Men, do better!!!
When asked why she thinks this is such a pervasive issue, especially with male-female couples, Cooper responded, "Anyone can enact this behavior, but if we are zeroing in on why its so pervasive in cishet couples, especially surrounding domestic labor, the simple answer is that people don't like to give up privilege. Why put in effort when you've always been able to get by without giving any?"
She continued, "Women are still expected to perform the majority of domestic labor. Work that is coded as female is often looked down upon, and boys grow up in a world that chastises and brutalizes them for anything seen as feminine, while teaching them that women are responsible for running and organizing their lives."
In terms of what she thinks needs to change in order to stop weaponized incompetence from ruining women's lives, Cooper told BuzzFeed, "We can't control the behaviors of others, all we can do is control how we respond. Women have started refusing to accept this behavior. Our ability to share stories on social media can give us insight into our shared experiences. Having a name for what is happening, 'weaponized incompetence,' allows people to articulate what is happening to them and realize they aren't imagining it."
"I think there's also so much to be said about raising boys with a better model of behavior and equity within the home, and not raising little girls as if they are mini parents, in charge of ensuring the behavior and compliance of the boys," she said. "This happens all the time, where we expect discipline and organization from girls at a very young age, and task them with keeping boys in line."
In closing, Cooper had this to say: "Weaponized incompetence truly isn't unique to a gender or a certain type of person. But because its so prevalent in the home, and it's so often exercised around tasks that are coded as feminine, it's worth examining how we train boys to feel above this work. Misogyny can be insidious."
