Written by Shelby Perry as told to Jake Shaw
Looking back I don’t think what led to my destructive lifestyle is uniquely different from others who have struggled with addiction. I had a fairly normal childhood, except my introduction to alcohol was when I was 13. The first time I drank was with random boys my dad’s girlfriend’s daughter had brought over. We were all hanging out in the basement with off brand orange juice and a cheap plastic bottle of vodka. Starting so young had a direct influence on me losing my virginity. I was drunk and it was with a guy I was dating who was five years older than me. Feelings of over the moon euphoria provided me with a false sense of a confident, more fun version of myself. The dopamine release I was experiencing from drinking eventually turned into feelings of intense shame and guilt. I would try to hide my hangover while simultaneously having anxiety caused by the fear of what I had done in my black out from the night before. What did I say and to who? Did I have sex with someone? As my drinking continued, different nights routinely consisted of the same behaviors. I was the girl who was sloppy, gave zero fucks, and somehow always ended up naked. I was constantly finding myself and putting others in dangerous situations with a questionable crowd of “friends'' around me.
In the depth of my addiction I didn’t have enough emotional intelligence to realize I didn’t know how to be myself, express myself or stand up for myself without substances. I had learned how to do all of that with alcohol and had no idea how to do it without. During my black outs my inner 13 year old was center stage because in a lot of ways that is where I mentally and emotionally stopped developing. Me playing the party girl role came to define my life. I eventually tried every type of drug out there (thankfully never becoming dependent on any), went to college parties even though I wasn’t enrolled at one, and only attracted like minded men that all I had in common with was our mutual love for partying.
My tendency to over drink was the root cause of every romantic relationship ultimately failing. The inability to stay faithful to one person while I was drinking didn’t help either. It wasn’t just romantic relationships that I ended up sabotaging. Reckless actions were creating an ever growing list of people that were walking out of my life. None of these broken promises and even some broken bones were going to stop me. Not the DUI, losing teeth, or waking up covered in bruises that I had no recollection of getting.
I needed to show more respect for myself and my body. I needed to explore the emotions I was shoving deep into my subconscious and the resentments that festered from compartmentalizing. I needed to feel healthy instead of the physical sickness my drinking was causing. I needed to drastically improve my mental and emotional health too. All the lies I was telling myself became debilitating. The most common ones that routinely played in my head were “This is normal,” “everything is fine,” “this is who I am,” and “I can control this”. Towards the end of my addiction when I was losing control it was usually the helplessness of “why am I like this” that played over and over again.
Even towards the end of my addiction I was able to continue paying my bills and holding down my job. Then the global pandemic happened. I was out of work and all the extra free time made my drinking even worse. I began to realize my dependence on alcohol wasn’t going to get better on its own. When the cravings started I knew I had a real problem. I had grown up watching my brother and father being consumed by their addictions but they were “much worse” than I ever was. Now though, my drinking was just as bad as theirs. The days of trying to drink like a normal person were over and there was no stopping me.
The realization that I needed help happened gradually and by the time I was 29 it was my sole focus. I moved from Salt Lake City, UT into a sober living in San Diego, CA and dived head first into the Alcoholics Anonymous community. With time, I found a sponsor and started to work on the 12-step-program. I continue to do a lot of the same things that helped me since day one of getting sober. I frequently ask for help. I show up even when I don’t feel like it. I try to be in service by helping others as much as possible. I have come a long way and faced many ups and downs to get to where I am currently. At my 10 months of sobriety I was in a horrific snowboarding accident that resulted in me losing an eye. Staying sober through all of that was one of the hardest times of life. If it wasn’t for my AA community showing up for me every single day, I might not still be sober. All I can do now is live in a place of gratitude each and every day.
Getting and staying sober is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. However, all I can do is live in a place of gratitude each and every day. I have been able to discover who I really am and embrace the awkward version of myself. Understanding what makes me happy and realizing I deserve to have that. The amount of creativity and exploring I found out I enjoyed. I have survived stressful situations, vacations, and other events I used to swore I had to drink for but I have done it all soberly. Today I am still free from the effects alcohol and drugs had on me. Today I am grateful for this gift of actually living.
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