Skip To Content
  • bestof2017 badge
Dec 16, 2017

33 People Who Hilariously Won 2017

"This morning's sleep crust I'm rubbing out of my eyes is 100% apple pie."

1.

Boss: *pulls me aside* Your tiara is not appropriate. M: Well, you should have thought about that before you promoted me to head cashier.

2.

Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm? *remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked* Rattle snake

3.

Me: *passed out on the couch surrounded by Pringles cans during a Golden Girls marathon* Kids: MOMMY, DADDY DID IT AGAIN

4.

Showing my date around my house- Me: ...and this is where I eat the Doritos... *gestures to my bed*

5.

Doc: You need to increase your protein intake. Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*

6.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand THERAPIST: Is that true? ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

7.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples* Baker: "When is your wedding?" Me: *with mouthful of cake* "What wedding?"

8.

[high school] ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

9.

I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.

10.

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

11.

Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.

12.

If I got a tattoo it would be the peanut butter cookie fork marks.

13.

[kissing] Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off? Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt

14.

toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed] wife: Do something me *takes phone out to record it* wife: Do something else

15.

This morning's sleep crust I'm rubbing out of my eyes is 100% apple pie.

16.

"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?" I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

17.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

18.

*heavy sigh* I'm sorry I quoted Dr. Suess during sex. I promise it will never happen again while you are in the box of a fox.

19.

I've found that people tend to leave you alone after they've seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.

20.

"Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.

21.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

22.

[First Date] Me: Are you gonna finish that?

23.

* Goes to gym * Lays on the mat to stretch * falls asleep

24.

I don't see it as "Costco Free Samples." I see it as a free 17 course meal.

25.

EX-GF: Please stop calling here. ME: *sobbing* I just need to hear her voice. EX-GF: I told you I am not putting the dog on the phone.

26.

wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked? me: Yep wife: What temperature? me: 534 wife: That's the clock me wife me: 535

27.

i've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.

28.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

29.

[falling down the stairs] WOW this is so much faster.

30.

Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it! Later Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here

31.

I just got ten minutes of resistance training trying to get out of the hammock.

32.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

33.

Want to be the first to see product recommendations, style hacks, and beauty trends? Sign up for our As/Is newsletter!

Newsletter signup form