1.
Boss: *pulls me aside* Your tiara is not appropriate. M: Well, you should have thought about that before you promoted me to head cashier.
2.
Her: How'd you get those weird scars on your arm? *remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked* Rattle snake
3.
Me: *passed out on the couch surrounded by Pringles cans during a Golden Girls marathon* Kids: MOMMY, DADDY DID IT AGAIN
4.
Showing my date around my house- Me: ...and this is where I eat the Doritos... *gestures to my bed*
5.
Doc: You need to increase your protein intake. Me: *buys the big bag of peanut butter cups*
6.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand THERAPIST: Is that true? ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
7.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples* Baker: "When is your wedding?" Me: *with mouthful of cake* "What wedding?"
8.
[high school] ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
9.
I made voodoo dolls of my dogs just so I could still rub their bellies while I'm at work.
10.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party* Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate? Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
11.
Just locked eyes with a spider, but instead of killing him, I ran away & hid so he can spend the whole night stressing about where I am.
12.
If I got a tattoo it would be the peanut butter cookie fork marks.
13.
[kissing] Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off? Me: *breathy whisper* I'm not wearing your shirt
14.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed] wife: Do something me *takes phone out to record it* wife: Do something else
15.
This morning's sleep crust I'm rubbing out of my eyes is 100% apple pie.
16.
"Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?" I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
17.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
18.
*heavy sigh* I'm sorry I quoted Dr. Suess during sex. I promise it will never happen again while you are in the box of a fox.
19.
I've found that people tend to leave you alone after they've seen you eat mashed potatoes out of your coat pocket.
20.
"Well-behaved women seldom make history," I whisper as I don't wait the full ten minutes for the oven to preheat.
21.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
22.
[First Date] Me: Are you gonna finish that?
23.
* Goes to gym * Lays on the mat to stretch * falls asleep
24.
I don't see it as "Costco Free Samples." I see it as a free 17 course meal.
25.
EX-GF: Please stop calling here. ME: *sobbing* I just need to hear her voice. EX-GF: I told you I am not putting the dog on the phone.
26.
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked? me: Yep wife: What temperature? me: 534 wife: That's the clock me wife me: 535
27.
i've found if you say "well well well" as soon as someone sits down across from you, you immediately get the upper hand for about 2 seconds.
28.
My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.
29.
[falling down the stairs] WOW this is so much faster.
30.
Pal: my advice for your date is, make her think you're well travelled, girls love it! Later Me: Guess how many buses it took me to get here
31.
I just got ten minutes of resistance training trying to get out of the hammock.
32.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
33.
Can't. I'm busy being fabulous.