Cinco de ohhhhh, no.
"I was at a roof party last summer. It was hosted by a co-worker that I vaguely knew, but I'd never been to that roof before. As there are typically no bathrooms on roofs, I asked my co-worker which apartment was hers, because I needed to use the ol' baño. I headed down to apartment 2F, let myself in, and quickly found the bathroom. It was only when I heard a quiet knock on the door and a terrified, "Excuse me…who are you?" from the other side that I realized my co-worker had said 3F, not 2F.
"The woman whose apartment I broke into was on the older side, very nice, and I was wearing a sombrero."
Hope you like nightmares.
"When I was little, someone told me that alligators lived in toilet pipes, and even though I'm a grownup now, it's always in the back of my mind. So you can imagine how traumatized I was when my fiancé put a live frog in our toilet as a joke. The frog was fine. I was not."
"One time during a choir trip I got locked inside a bathroom at a fast-food taco joint. I screamed and screamed while everyone laughed at me. Finally, a manager found out why they were laughing and let me out."
Watch where you camp.
"My friend and I were on a backpacking trip. It was getting dark, and we were at a high elevation where most of the terrain was rocky and barren, so we set up camp as soon as we saw a nice cluster of trees and soft dirt. We didn't bring a tent, because why bother with that extra weight? In the morning, I realized we were surrounded by used tissues half-buried in the dirt. We had accidentally slept in someone's former bathroom spot.
"Now I know why people sleep in tents."
It's hard being a tween.
"One day, on a sixth grade class trip to Medieval Times, I used the toilet on the coach bus, and as I was pulling my pants up, the bus hit a bump and the door slammed open, showing the shocked faces of the cool guys in my grade who were sitting in the back seats near the toilet room. I slammed it shut and forced myself to hold in my tears. I mustered the strength after a minute and just walked out as fast as I could to my seat, humming to myself so I could tune out any commentary from the sidelines, and I burst into tears the second I sat in my seat. My best friend could not stop laughing."
It's all about confidence.
"I walked confidently into the men's room at a movie theater. I was SO confident that it took me a good minute to stop wondering why there were 20 men and no women in the female restroom and realize that, instead, there was one lone woman (me) standing in a peacoat in the men's room among guys who, to their credit, didn't let it stop them."
So...do we break up now?
"I was meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, at their house. At one point I excused myself to use the bathroom upstairs. Apparently the plumbing wasn't great, because a seemingly small amount of toilet paper caused the toilet to overflow and pour out into the hallway. I wanted to curl up and die.
"Insult to injury? The flood ended up bursting through the kitchen ceiling, directly on top of the big fat family dog."
Sing like no one's listening.
"I was in a particularly chipper mood one Saturday afternoon and decided to bring my phone into the bathroom while I showered and blast some tunes. After an extra-thorough cleaning (read: long shower) while belting the lyrics of a male teen pop idol who shall remain nameless, I emerged from the steamy depths to find my roommate sitting with her extended family in the living room. She told me they'd be visiting, but I forgot."
Beauty is pain.
When I was in high school, just sort of learning how to use makeup, I was in my bathroom getting primped. I was in literal week one of discovering eyelash curlers which, if you're not familiar, are essentially death clamps for your delicate lashes. Anyway, as I was clamped down, my mom shrieked my name from downstairs, and I whipped my head around. I accidentally ripped all of my right eye's lashes out. Had to wear falsies for weeks."
But what even is gender?
"When I was little, I had my hair cut short into what was essentially a bowl cut. During one of my brother's baseball games, I went to use the bathroom, but a woman stopped me on the way in and said, 'Oh, little boy, this is the women's restroom.' I was so embarrassed, especially because I was wearing a super-floral outfit — one of my favorites at the time that made me feel really pretty. At first I didn't say anything, but she tried to stop me again, at which point I hid my head, said, 'I'm a girl' quietly as I passed her, and scurried into the stall."
"I'm just impressed."
"I watched a roach climb out of our toilet once. It was incredible. It just came out of the watery hole like it had a little roach snorkel on or something."
Adults are lame.
"I was a difficult tween. My parents were having a dinner party, and I was doing everything I could to avoid talking to a bunch of lame-o adults. The bathroom in my parents' house is connected to a small laundry room. The bathroom part and the laundry part are separated by a door. I excused myself to use the bathroom, then decided to proceed into the laundry room to waste some more time not talking to adults. That's when a woman came in to use the bathroom. The laundry room is a dead end, so I was stuck in there, behind a door, waiting for this woman to leave. When she finally did, a man came in after her. I had to sit there in silence while a line at least five people long used the bathroom. Couldn't look anyone in the eye for the rest of the night."
All photos from Thinkstock.
All illustrations by Kristin Rossi / BuzzFeed.