11 Rules For Having Sex When Someone's Pet Is In The Room

A step-by-step guide to getting frisky (when Frisky's in the room).

1. Get your pet out of the room.

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First try to get the animal out of the room. If they don't know the GTFO command, try luring them out with lasers or a favorite chew toy. Once they're out of the room, shut the door, and pray they haven't figured out how to work door knobs.

2. Play loud music to hide their whining.

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If your dog won't stop howling outside the door, or your cat won't stop making those weird noises that sound like babies crying, you might have to drown them out by playing a sexy-time playlist at max volume.

3. Exercise your pet.

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If your pet won't settle down, tell your lover that you need ten minutes to take them on a walk. Keep things steamy by dirty talking over the phone as your dog drops a dookie. When you return, your tired-out pet will go to sleep and you'll be ready to jump right back to where you left off (mouth stuff).

4. Throw a sheet over your pet.

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If you're in a situation where your pet has to be in the room, consider throwing a sheet over them. Just don't forget what you did mid-coitus — seeing a ghost-cat can really ruin to mood.

5. Try speaking their language.

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If your pet won't shut up, consider talking to them in their language. Bark, hiss, or bleat at them so that they understand you are the alpha and they must listen to you. Explain the situation to them by meowing your frustrated emotions. If they love you, they'll back down.

6. Crate or leash your pet.

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If they must be in the room, confine them to a specific corner of the room. You don't want your cat jumping on your back while you're nose deep; there is such a thing as too much pussy.

7. Explain what sex is to your pet.

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Ideally, you sit Mr. Squirtle down ahead of time and explain the birds and the bees (probably don't use that metaphor, as it may just confuse them or make them hungry). It's important they understand that you are not in physical pain while having sex, so there is no need for your pet to freak out and attempt to save you. Take the time to answer all of their questions.

8. Don't sex shame your pet.

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As you engage in lovemaking, you may turn to find your dog humping the bedpost or your hamster grinding her genitals on the wheel. Let them know that you're fine with them exploring their sexuality — just not at that specific time.

9. Create a fort around your pet.

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Make it a game and build a pillow fort around your animal. When they're lounging in luxury, they're not concerned with what you're doing. The physical borders also saves you from making accidental eye contact with them while you’re getting railed from behind.

10. Teach your pet a command so they know to leave.

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A special command is a great way to let them know it’s time to sex and that they should give you space. It's best to make the command something you already say. Something like, “I’m tired, but fine,” or “I guess I'll just brush my teeth again,” should work fine.

11. Clean up all lube, condoms, and dildos when you're done.

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If you don’t clean up or invite your pet back into bed too early, they might think you’ve left them out some new chew toys. That's why you must put everything away first. Trust me. When you're pulling a used condom out of your dog's butthole a day later, you'll be cursing yourself for not following this advice.