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A Queer Mama's Guide To IUI

If these sounds familiar, you just might be trying to conceive

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1. Nothing to see here, folks.

Your co-workers spend their free moments openly shopping online for the perfect pair of wedges on Gilt or for a Zoodler on Amazon Prime. Meanwhile you’re over here frantically searching the Cryobank for the perfect donor, praying your boss doesn’t walk by to find you scouring potential donors' childhood pics/their thorough medical background PDF. NSFW, but it is though, you swear! It’s complicated.

2. The Purple Unicorn

To be fair, it does happen - and so of course you believe you will be the purple unicorn of all Queer parents...the one who becomes pregnant on their first IUI. They exist, They are out there, You know of one! (side note: you probably don’t)...until it doesn’t happen to you, and then you go back to admitting their holy elusiveness.

3. On Symptom Spotting

Your cat yawned right at the stroke of 9:28pm. And you guys, she literally never does that. *rushes to laptop* types into google: cat yawning at odd hour, early pregnancy sign? Breathes sigh of relief as it shows up right away in search results. Other people have wondered this exact same thing, so you’re totally not symptom spotting. Hooray! Btw turns out it’s not correlated, but you continue to pay close attention to your cat’s respiratory system, just in case.

4. Upcoming Events: 0

"Come away with us next weekend!" your best friends say. “Just a quick getaway, It will be so fun!” they say. But your ovulation kit confirms you won't be joining. You used to have a social life. Or you think you might have? You can’t remember though, because the Clomid, Letrozole, HCG shot, progesterone etc. make your brain a bit foggy. What you do know though, is that your life now revolves around your beautiful, yet somewhat reluctant ovaries. But on the plus side, it leads to much more quality time with your boo :)

6. Having Money Was Fun

while it lasted. You now fondly look back on the days before the various expenses of trying to conceive. The days when you weren’t scared to sign-in to your bank account and had things like a savings account! and extra spending money! But you're not even angry, because you know it will be so worth it in the end.

7. Your Non-Queer Friends' Husbands Are Great...

Sure. But have they literally helped lift up your friends' legs after a particularly painful IUI? Didn’t think so. Now that is the best kind of support; both emotional and physical.

8. Queer M.D

You, your sibling, your partner, your cousin etc. are a medical professional. You get how hard the MCAT and the boards were to study for. They were real hard, sure. But let’s be honest, it's pretty much a breeze compared to all of the 'trying to conceive' acronyms that you must learn, and fast, if you’re going to keep up with the Queer Mama/TTC groups that you now spend roughly 12-14 hours of your waking day perusing, and then re-perusing. BFP, HCG, DPIUI, CM, FX...OMG! lol.

9. Speaking of Medical Degrees...

your partner should probably have an honorary one at this point. The first shot was scary as hell with YouTube tutorials galore and a quick call back to the clinic to hear the instructions, just one last time. But now it’s like, “Shot time?” “Yes, please step into my office,” while they are concurrently cooking dinner, paying your taxes and on the phone with their mother.

10. No Matter What Though, You Never Question Any Of It

Because you know the struggle is more than worth it, and that there are few things more special in life than a baby who is so planned for, so wanted, and so incredibly loved even before they are a sliver in their mamas' eyes.

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