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Translating The Horror That Is "21 Men Rules That Girls Should Know"

Because sometimes you need to explain why you looked at your screen and have now been screaming for a week.

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Sometimes, when you are scrolling through the verdant meme pastures of Facebook or Twitter, a pal shares something so horrifyingly misguided that your only recourse is to stare aghast and wonder how such a thing could ever have come into being. That was the case with the "21 Men Rules That Girls Should Know" list.

I felt like this meme could use some further translation for lads and ladies alike. So let's together take a deeper look into the blackened soul of toxic masculinity and ponder on how things could have gone so wrong in the world of "bants".
Underappreciated Genius / Via the internets

I felt like this meme could use some further translation for lads and ladies alike. So let's together take a deeper look into the blackened soul of toxic masculinity and ponder on how things could have gone so wrong in the world of "bants".

1. "Men are not mind readers."

Translation: Men are not mind readers, nor are we particularly bright, emotionally curious or considerate. Any upset you are struggling to articulate because you are trying to communicate some next-level shit to a mound of flesh and beer that you happen to be in love with is inherently your problem. Not asking questions about your partner is just a side effect of being alpha. Sorry.
Lambert / Getty Images / Via huffingtonpost.co.uk

Translation: Men are not mind readers, nor are we particularly bright, emotionally curious or considerate. Any upset you are struggling to articulate because you are trying to communicate some next-level shit to a mound of flesh and beer that you happen to be in love with is inherently your problem. Not asking questions about your partner is just a side effect of being alpha. Sorry.

2. "Learn to work the toilet seat, you're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. You don't hear us complaining when you leave it down."

Translation: We are irredeemably fetid shit-goblins. Stop asking us to have "a standard". Please be okay with staring at our excrement. You don't hear us complaining when you choose not to force us to stare at YOUR excrement. (Double standards, much??!)
Postage Meter / Summerabbit / Via thoughtcatalog.com

Translation: We are irredeemably fetid shit-goblins. Stop asking us to have "a standard". Please be okay with staring at our excrement. You don't hear us complaining when you choose not to force us to stare at YOUR excrement. (Double standards, much??!)

3. "Crying is blackmail."

Translation: Crying is blackmail. Reacting at all to what we do and say is blackmail. Accountability is a wailing ghost that wanders lost and alone through these halls. Tears are the conceptual opposite of getting blind drunk watching the rugby.
WikiHow / Via wikihow.com

Translation: Crying is blackmail. Reacting at all to what we do and say is blackmail. Accountability is a wailing ghost that wanders lost and alone through these halls. Tears are the conceptual opposite of getting blind drunk watching the rugby.

4. "Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!"

NBC / Via giphy.com

Translation: SPELL OUT EVERYTHING AS IF I AM CHILD. NOT THAT I AM A CHILD. BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE TREAT ME LIKE A CHILD OR I WILL NOT UNDERSTAND. I AM A MANAGER OF A HEDGE FUND, LINDA, BUT YOU STILL HAVE TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THROWING MY DIRTY CLOTHES INTO THE DISHWASHER MAKES ME "INCONVENIENT" TO YOU.

5. "'Yes' and 'No' are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question."

NBC / Via giphy.com

Translation: "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Does that make me intellectually miserable and absurdly infantile? Yes. SEE, JANETTE, WAS THAT SO HARD?

6. "Come to us with problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what girlfriends are for."

Translation: omg please do not expect me to give you the same emotional investment that I give to a bag of doritios, Carol. u come perilously close to being human when u do these things. sex?
Captain Morgan / TeamSugar / Via thoughtcatalog.com

Translation: omg please do not expect me to give you the same emotional investment that I give to a bag of doritios, Carol. u come perilously close to being human when u do these things. sex?

7. "Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissable in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days."

Translation: Yes, I might have "promised" to start listening to the things you say, but what is a "promise" but an apathetic fart that got lost on its way to the butthole and accidentally became verbalized through the mouth as a lie? Ponder that whilst you do 90% of the things I purposefully forgot about in your free time, Lesley.
Van Heusen / freerepublic / Via thoughtcatalog.com

Translation: Yes, I might have "promised" to start listening to the things you say, but what is a "promise" but an apathetic fart that got lost on its way to the butthole and accidentally became verbalized through the mouth as a lie? Ponder that whilst you do 90% of the things I purposefully forgot about in your free time, Lesley.

8. "If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask us."

Translation: As a man, I do not understand what this "self-esteem" thing is, which is why I must ask: why do I crumble into vampiric dust every time someone implies my bicep is slightly smaller than the sun?
Fox / Via pinterest.co.uk

Translation: As a man, I do not understand what this "self-esteem" thing is, which is why I must ask: why do I crumble into vampiric dust every time someone implies my bicep is slightly smaller than the sun?

9. "If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one."

Translation: Look, words are hard. Really quite frustrating. Unlike chanting "WAY-OH, WAY-OH, WAY-OH" for NO REASON on our way to bars. Why can't we just "WAY-OH" at each other, Ingrid? Why can't we just "be?"
everyoutfitonsitc / Instagram / Via knowyourmeme.com

Translation: Look, words are hard. Really quite frustrating. Unlike chanting "WAY-OH, WAY-OH, WAY-OH" for NO REASON on our way to bars. Why can't we just "WAY-OH" at each other, Ingrid? Why can't we just "be?"

10. "You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already knew how best to do it, do it yourself."

Translation: Vanessa, what I desire is immediate, gratuitous praise for upending this can of beans into a hob and heating it until they are burnt, on this day, on this glorious Valentine's day. Anyway, if you're SO invested in criticising my cooking, why don't you do it for the other 364 days of the year? You do? Well then, look who made a mistake by asking me to do it?
Unknown / Via rawstory.com

Translation: Vanessa, what I desire is immediate, gratuitous praise for upending this can of beans into a hob and heating it until they are burnt, on this day, on this glorious Valentine's day. Anyway, if you're SO invested in criticising my cooking, why don't you do it for the other 364 days of the year? You do? Well then, look who made a mistake by asking me to do it?

11. "Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to during commercials."

Translation: Where possible, speak only during commercials. And I mean ONLY during commercials. Please do not try to articulate thoughts over breakfast, I find it really distracting. I worry that if I enjoy it too much, breakfast will make me gay, so I try really hard to glower aggressively into my cornflakes.
Dr. Caroline Madden / Twitter / Via Twitter: @CMaddenMFT

Translation: Where possible, speak only during commercials. And I mean ONLY during commercials. Please do not try to articulate thoughts over breakfast, I find it really distracting. I worry that if I enjoy it too much, breakfast will make me gay, so I try really hard to glower aggressively into my cornflakes.

12. "Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we..."

George Lucas / 20th Century Fox / Via giphy.com

Translation: Christopher Columbine or whatever didn't need directions and neITHER DO I JESSICA. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT CONTINENT. WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE COMMITTED ATROCITIES OUT OF IGNORANCE. YOU ARE MISSING THE Point jessICA!

13. "All men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is."

Translation: By asking us to recognise that "mauve" is a thing, I WILL run the danger of putting a penis immediately into my mouth and therefore all interior design and domestic choices have to be entirely handled by you, 100% of the time. I am trying to SAVE our relationship here, babe.
Queer Eye / Netflix / Via netflix.com

Translation: By asking us to recognise that "mauve" is a thing, I WILL run the danger of putting a penis immediately into my mouth and therefore all interior design and domestic choices have to be entirely handled by you, 100% of the time. I am trying to SAVE our relationship here, babe.

14. "If I ask what is wrong and you say 'Nothing', we act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle."

Translation: If I have hurt you so deeply with my utterly wretched stamping on your heart that you need to say that everything is, in fact, fine as the emotional toil of having yet another discussion about the most basic considerations drains you to the point where you just want to cry, I will take that as a sign that everything IS in fact superb in Me Land. sex?
imgflip.com / Via imgflip.com

Translation: If I have hurt you so deeply with my utterly wretched stamping on your heart that you need to say that everything is, in fact, fine as the emotional toil of having yet another discussion about the most basic considerations drains you to the point where you just want to cry, I will take that as a sign that everything IS in fact superb in Me Land. sex?

15. "If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..."

Translation: babe. if you ask "do you love me" and I instead burp "star wars" in reply and you get upset, maybe you shouldn't ask hard questions?
Roger Hargreaves / Via mrmen.wikia.com

Translation: babe. if you ask "do you love me" and I instead burp "star wars" in reply and you get upset, maybe you shouldn't ask hard questions?

16. "When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really."

Translation: Whatever you're wearing is fine, really. We do not care. Unless you are wearing too much make-up. Or not enough make-up. Or clothes that we think are even 10% out of line. What we really want is to you look classy yet sexy at all given moments of your life, just like we don't. We really want that natural look that "real" attractive women have, which doesn't require hours of work and years of self-training at all. Just stop talking about it all the time, god!
everyoutfitonsitc / Instagram / Via instagram.com

Translation: Whatever you're wearing is fine, really. We do not care. Unless you are wearing too much make-up. Or not enough make-up. Or clothes that we think are even 10% out of line. What we really want is to you look classy yet sexy at all given moments of your life, just like we don't. We really want that natural look that "real" attractive women have, which doesn't require hours of work and years of self-training at all. Just stop talking about it all the time, god!

17. "Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football or motor sports."

The Lonely Island / Via giphy.com

Translation: [sorry, I am sorry, I looked at this one and just became, for a moment, so irredeemably sad that I couldn't snark my way through it, I am so sorry]

18. "You have enough clothes."

Netflix / Via giphy.com

Translation: Stop enjoying things and spending the money that you earn.

19. "You have too many shoes."

Translation: Stop enjoying things and spending the money that you earn.
Columbia Pictures / Via elle.com

Translation: Stop enjoying things and spending the money that you earn.

20. "I am in shape, round is a shape!"

Translation: [genuine weeping that this list has fifteen thousand shares]
imgflip.com / Via imgflip.com

Translation: [genuine weeping that this list has fifteen thousand shares]

21. "Thank you for reading this, yes I know, I'm sleeping on the couch tonight... but did you know men don't really mind that? It's like camping..."

Translation: Thanks for reading this list of daily emotional trauma that I can very quickly write off as "bants" as there are no repercussions in my world. While we're at it, when is MY International Women's Day? I clearly need a break.
Anonymous / Meme Generator / Via memegenerator.net

Translation: Thanks for reading this list of daily emotional trauma that I can very quickly write off as "bants" as there are no repercussions in my world. While we're at it, when is MY International Women's Day? I clearly need a break.

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