1. On Halloween being overrated:
no offense but I don’t get why anyone over the age of 18 loves Halloween so much like what’s the point if you’re not trick or treating?? the last thing I wanna do is dress up in some big sweaty costume and drink until I puke on a Wednesday night
2. And on her favorite holiday, Thanksgiving:
ok hear me out thanksgiving is the best holiday here’s why: 1. Less formal than Christmas 2. You don’t have to go to church 3. The food duh 4. THE MACYS PARADE IS THE GREATEST SPECTACLE IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND YOU GET TO SEE FREE BROADWAY PERFORMANCES AND BIG ASS BALLOONS
3. On this fashion conundrum:
I’m in my friends wedding next month and this is my bridesmaids dress and I just realized I have a tattoo of a ghost smoking a joint on my arm and the wedding is gonna be full of Mormons and small children https://t.co/dbZMK8F3LY
4. And this sartorial issue as well:
I hate when invites say “dress to impress” literally nothing about me is impressive especially my clothes
5. On this misspelling that would leave anyone shooketh:
I saw someone on instagram spell khaki as “cacky” and I’m still trying to recover from it
6. On alternative TV show titles:
what if Long Island medium was called short peninsula large send tweet
7. On celebrity lookalikes:
Dylan Sprouse’s girlfriend looks more like his twin than his actual twin does
8. On this very proper problem:
I watched so much British bake off last night I dreamt that I had 2 daughters named Madeira and Genoise but I called them Maddie and Gen for short
9. On overused tweet formats:
To All The Boys Who Tweet Generic Romantic Compliments In The Second Person To Get More Likes
10. On why beauty YouTubers are always beefing:
why is there always drama with beauty gurus I don’t understand you literally smear colors on your face it’s not that serious
11. And on one beauty guru in particular:
what if James Charles name was Jim Charlie
12. On computer games:
13. On forms of power:
I have large vaginal energy
14. And this follow-up to that previous tweet:
15. On this chain of events that I hope PETA never becomes aware of:
my dog knocked over my entire full ass grinder so I had to pick it all out of the carpet and I just packed a bowl with it and realized there’s dog hair in it............................ I’m literally smoking my dogs hair
16. On the stresses of traveling:
WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PUT A FLIGHT TO ROCHESTER MINNESOTA RIGHT NEXT TO THE GATE WITH A FLIGHT TO ROCHESTER NEW YORK I ALMOST JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK AND THOUGHT I BOOKED A FLIGHT TO THE WRONG ONE
17. On boy bands:
One Direction died so the queer eye guys could rise
18. On becoming an adult:
it finally happened... a friend from high school is engaged and now I have to buy a bridesmaid dress this is my worst nightmare
19. On Stranger Things:
Milky boobie brown
20. On ways to improve network television:
they should replace the laugh tracks on sitcoms with all of the the ha ha’s from beep by the pussycat dolls
21. On settling down:
the longest relationship of my life was with my livestrong bracelet (2004- 2009)
22. On mint being an ingredient in desserts:
junior mints are just chocolate covered toothpaste balls
23. On grooming choices:
people always ask me why I never wear my hair down and it’s because I would look like post malone