1. BODY IN A MATTRESS. WE HAVE A BODY IN A MATTRESS.
2. What is it with this hotel and bodies in mattresses? Don't you know you're supposed to sleep on TOP of the mattress?
3. Oh gosh, Sarah Paulson kisses him as she sews him into the mattress? She needs like, a nice warm hug or something.
4. Oh, the vampire kid says the blonde girl tastes gross? Well maybe if you were eating Swedish Fish instead of Swedish tourists, you wouldn't be complaining about your food!
5. I've got to hand it to her, I didn't think the Swedish tourists would make it alive out of the opening scene. One of them made it to the second episode. Congrats!
6. I'm guessing most of the hotels I've stayed at don't have garbage chutes for dead bodies. But I usually stay at like, a Best Western or Hampton Inn so I think that makes sense.
7. Lady Gaga slamming the door on evil Kathy Bates? GIVE HER THE EMMY RIGHT NOW!
8. Matthew Bomer should be banned from ever wearing a shirt. Obama, make it happen.
9. In Matt Bomer's defense, I'd love to stay in and binge-watch House of Cards with Lady Gaga too.
10. CUE THE CREEPY CREDITS. I'm not sleeping tonight, am I?
11. Chloë Sevigny is making me so glad I already got my flu shot this year.
12. I still can't believe the cop with the eyebrows chose THIS hotel to stay in. Like out of all the hundreds of hotels in L.A., you choose to stay in the haunted, murderous one? COME ON.
13. OMG IT IS DRILL DILDO MONSTER.
14. And people covered in what I HOPE is mud screwing in the shower. How has the Hotel Cortez not been shut down by the health department?!
15. I want to drink a ginger ale with Sarah Paulson TBH.
16. "The hour between 2 and 3 a.m. is always the worst." Trust me, I've been out on a Friday night in L.A. before, I can attest to this.
17. And we're getting a flashback of a dead family from the cop with the eyebrows. This guy has so much damn baggage! How about a happy memory every now and then?
18. I wonder whose bloody Oscar that is? One thing I do know is that it's not Leonardo DiCaprio's!
19. Naomi Campbell come THROUGH!!!
20. Oh good call, hot eyebrows cop. Bring your daughter to the haunted murderous hotel. You've only lost one of your kids, why not make it two?
21. I refuse to take this fashion show seriously since Anna Wintour isn't there.
22. Oh great, the hot cop's daughter snuck away with the hotel owner's kid. I guess we know who won't be winning any "parent of the year" awards any time soon…
23. Jesus, crazy male model, you had one job: WALK IN A STRAIGHT LINE. And yet you couldn't even do that. SMDH.
24. Scraping your face with a pair of scissors? That's one way to quit modeling I guess…
25. Oh, a strange kid is leading you to the basement of a haunted hotel, and he's telling you to keep it a secret? By all means, keep following him!
26. Four creepy vampire kids in creepy coffins in an abandoned swimming pool? That's all the birth control I'll ever need, thank you very much.
27. Is it just me, or does anyone else want the crazy male model and Matt Bomer to get it on?
28. Elevator breaks down on the dark, abandoned floor? Go off and explore, crazy male model. It won't be the first bad decision a character has made on this show and I know it won't be the last.
29. Honestly, I feel like the most unbelievable part of this show is how few people we actually see STAYING at the Hotel Cortez.
30. Like, isn't the purpose of a hotel that people stay there? How does this stay in business?
31. OMG he just ate a bite of that maggoty sandwich. I guess bugs are high in protein though?
32. OMG EVAN PETERS. EVAN PETERS. EVAN PETERS!!!
33. Even though he's got a creepy voice, and an even creepier mustache, he's still handsome AF because he's EVAN PETERS.
34. Well that took a turn for the worse!
35. And is it just me, or is that laundress CRAZY?! Most housekeepers at the hotels I stay at are happy to give me free little soaps; this one loves to clean up bloody sheets. She is deranged!
36. WHERE ARE THIS GIRL'S PARENTS???
37. OK, maybe it's just me…but Holden might be the creepiest character on this show.
38. I guess Holden doesn't like to take selfies?
39. OMG, Sarah Paulson's bloody teeth falling out wants me to go brush my teeth and floss for DAYS.
40. "Kids are the best." No Sarah Paulson, in this hotel they are the WORST.
41. Eyebrows cop and Chloë Sevigny need to like, tie Scarlett to their wrists at all times so they don't need to send the entire police squad after her. SMDH.
42. "I took a selfie with him, so he's real!!!" Logic in 2015, I guess.
43. Also, if you're going to take a selfie with your long-lost, potentially undead brother, take a few tips from Kim Kardashian first.
44. When I get sick, I have to take NyQuil for a week and I've got a wicked cough. When Lady Gaga gets a virus, it gives her eternal youth and a supercharged immune system. LIFE ISN'T FAIR.
45. "I prefer blackout curtains and a Duxiana bed." SAME, LADY GAGA. SAME.
46. The sun saps your vitality? Lady Gaga just made me really glad I use sunscreen every day.
47. Wait, crazy male model wants to go hunt Kendall Jenner? But doesn't he know better than to try to keep up with the Kardashians?
48. Lady Gaga entering a disco club on a horse is probably the most important moment in television history.
49. Lady Gaga is probably the only person who could get away with dumping Matt Bomer and get away with it. Well, her and maybe The Rock.
50. "It's been a long time since man spun me around like that." YAAASS KATHY BATES GET IT GIRL!!!
51. Normally, I would be all for following Evan Peters up to his private office. But this is evil, murderous, creepy mustache Evan Peters so this is a BAD idea.
52. Also, this black and white is just not doing it for me. I can't tell what's blood and what's a really bad stain!
53. Trapping a girl behind a brick wall for pleasure? Creepy Evan Peters seems like a nice guy!
54. Although he kind of looks like an evil orthodontist with all that headgear on.
55. The crazy laundress can get a stain out of anything? I need to bring her my bed sheets…
56. OK, crazy Evan Peters' wife HAS to be Lady Gaga, right?!
57. "A part of me wishes you could go first so I could launder the sheets." Well, at least the evil laundress is committed!
58. Did she just do "Eeny-Meeny-Minie-Mo" to decide which weapon would kill her? THIS DAMN SHOW!!!
59. Eyebrows cop is staying in creepy Evan Peters' old office? Finally, this show is making some sense. It's deranged, but it's making sense.
60. I can't think of a more Hollywood way to die than to be murdered by an Oscar. And I bet Leonardo DiCaprio feels the same way.
61. Oh good, Ten Commandments-inspired murders. It's like Se7en, but without Brad Pitt and with three extra murders.
62. Of course the crazy male model picks up a lumberjack on Grindr. It's 2015, y'all!!!
63. Why does Lady Gaga look like an S&M leather army commander? Whatever, I'm here for it.
64. "Just 'cause I'm sucking on a dude doesn't mean I'm gay." HOT MALE MODEL, YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO BOTTOM. SMDH.
65. This show makes no sense. And I love it.