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45 Thoughts I Had During "AHS: Hotel" Episode 5

WHY ARE THE CHILDREN SO SCARY ON THIS SHOW?!

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1. I don't care if you're Chloë Sevigny, I still don't want a bloodthirsty vampire as my doctor.

2. OMG, Chloë shotgunning bags of blood is basically me every time I get around a slice of pizza. Including getting all the blood/sauce all over myself.

3. Why is she turning this kid into a vampire??? Has she learned NOTHING on this show?

4. And queue the creepy credits that will be giving me nightmares for the next week.

5. Call me crazy, but I wouldn't be mad if Matthew Bomer came knocking at my door at 4 a.m., even if he had drunk Kathy Bates in tow.

6. How is it that Angela Bassett looks so good in the middle of the night? At 4 a.m. I'm drooling on my pillow and my hair is like a rat's nest.

7. How am I supposed to pick between Lady Gaga vs. Angela Bassett and Matt Bomer? It's like trying to pick whether you get free ice cream or free pizza for the rest of your life.

8. Angela Bassett saying, "She been turn," should land her the Emmy, IMO. AMEN ANGELA!!!

9. Somehow I think little vampire measles kid is craving more than just jalapeno cheddar snacks…more like human blood.

10. Hungover vampire Kathy Bates looks like me before I get my morning Starbucks, aka a HOT MESS!!!

11. Lady Gaga drinking blood with a splash of triple sec somehow sounds like the most glamorous thing ever, tbh.

12. OH MY GOD vampire measles kid just ate his parents!!!

13. THIS IS WHY YOU GIVE YOUR KIDS A FLU SHOT SO THEY DON'T TURN INTO VAMPIRES AND DRINK YOUR BLOOD!

14. "Where are you? You didn't answer my texts?" "I almost died!" AKA me texting all my crushes ever.

15. Drinking your first grade teacher's blood? SOUNDS LIKE FUN!

16. Oh my god it's the dad from Even Stevens! Too bad he's probably going to brutally die soon.

17. Wow, to get murdered by an entire class of first graders. The American education system really IS messed up.

18. Oh good, the SWAT team is letting all of the murderous vampire children out into the real world. This is going to end well.

19. Seriously, vampire measles kid is giving Holden a run for his money for "scariest character on the show."

20. Why is hot eyebrows cop yelling at his lieutenant? They're literally alone in a room together. Use an indoor voice PLEASE.

21. He loses his kid, his wife, and his job. I feel like hot eyebrows cop should like, take a trip to Disneyland or something instead of continuing to stay at the haunted murder hotel.

22. Oh Darren Criss is here! The big question is does he get brutally murdered this episode…or next?

23. Oh my gosh, Darren Criss and his girl are like the worst Yelp reviewers ever. That's it, they're getting murdered this episode.

24. Lady Gaga and crazy male model look so amazing. I can't tell if she's being Marie Antoinette for Halloween or she's like, just dressing "normal."

25. I love how Liz Taylor is just like, casually reading Voltaire. When I go for some light reading, I just go for some Us Weekly or People.

26. Kathy Bates saying she's sweaty and nervous on Halloween is literally ME on Halloween.

27. "Make sure it's organic and non-GMO." Wow, she just sealed her and Darren Criss' death with her bonkers room service order, didn't she?

28. "They're like, gourmets or something." Why am I laughing so hard!!!

29. Vampire Kathy Bates and Liz Taylor need their own sitcom, tbh. I would watch the hell out of it.

30. TBH if Lady Gaga randomly showed up in my hotel room unannounced… I'd be pretty excited.

31. Real talk…Lady Gaga saying Liz Taylor's blood smells like a woman's actually was like, a really powerful moment? She can ACT.

32. "You don't lack beauty. You lack commitment." I'M NOT CRYING, YOU'RE CRYING.

33. "Goddesses don't speak in whispers, they scream." AMEN!!!

34. "Howdy boys!" Lady Gaga deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for murdering these homophobic assholes with the swish of her hand.

35. I'm half expecting Darren Criss to start singing "Teenage Dream" like he's still on the Warblers. Instead, he's eating cat food in front of Kathy Bates.

36. YAAASS KATHY BATES!!!! Murder those annoying hipsters! That's what you get for complaining about Romaine lettuce!

37. Hot eyebrow cops guy is probably the only person in the world who would be upset that he woke up next to Sarah Paulson. She is QUEEN!

38. That being said, I feel like it might be worth her time to change her hairstyle every now and then? The frizzy heroin chic look is getting a little old.

39. Vampire Kathy Bates and Liz Taylor bonding over Darren Criss and his girlfriend's corpses is both really creepy and also kind of heartwarming?

40. Wait, I want vampire Chloë Sevigny to be MY baby sitter. Lady Gaga, how do I make that happen?

41. Real talk, how does Lady Gaga's hair always look so amazing on the show? You'd think between changing all her outfits and murdering people she wouldn't have time to have perfectly coiffed hair…but she does!

42. "You'd be amazed at the wondrous possibilities that can begin with a simple 'Hello!'" Wait, this is actually pretty good advice for when you randomly see your crush at Trader Joe's!

43. Nothing says bonding with your son like damning yourself to living as a vampire for eternity and sleeping with him in a coffin in an abandoned swimming pool!

44. Wait…whatever happened to the horde of murderous vampire children? Did they kill their parents? Did they eventually go trick or treating??? I NEED ANSWERS.

45. I really am DYING to see next week's episode.

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