Hi, I'm Samantha! I'm trans, and I smoke weed. A lot of it. I have consumed every day for seven years. I can honestly say cannabis has made me who I am today, and I probably wouldn't be here without it.
So it's pretty much sacred to me. When I pack a bowl, I'm engaging in a ritual of self-determination that's brought me from somewhere really dark to being a person who is alive, thriving, and very much in the world.
Speaking of that... I'll be right back.
Being trans is beautiful, but let's be honest: A lot of the time it also sucks. Especially when you know something's up, but you haven't figured it out yet. Sometimes to find relief — and find yourself! — you need a little help.
When I moved back to California in 2014, I had this ache for something I couldn't name and was tired of trying to quell with sex, cigarettes, and alcohol. I also knew that cannabis lifted my depression for days after using it, and it made me present within my body in a way that felt really necessary. Three days after I arrived, I got a prescription at a storefront doctor's office and ordered my first delivery the same afternoon.
Since then, it's been a wild ride, and I've kept my friend Mary Jane at my side through it all.
I have very little at my disposal to cope with living in such a hostile world. There’s no good way to fight denial of medical care, leering strangers, or anyone intent on assault. But I can take up space perfectly legally on the sidewalk in the cloud surrounding myself and turn the volume on the raucous world down a little.
This ambivalence is a sacred right and a sovereign choice, because in addition to existing I have to cope with it: existing. Stares in the subway, the anger, my broad alienation, the withering of the world I thought I lived in into a sestina of empty promises. It is both too much to carry and unnecessary to hold. When I get high I can let go, not to get away from reality, but to drop back into it.