Updated on 16 May 2022

Every Single Grand Finalist In This Year's "Eurovision" Ranked According To Brilliance

"I feel like we've finally understood the Eurovision assignment."

by Sam Cleal, Benjamin Dzialdowski, Mariah Jean-Baptiste

Pictures of Mariah Sam and Ben with their names captioned on top

Sam: Points for intensity and hair, but there's sort of not much else going on. Such a meh follow-up to MATA HARIIIIII. 3/10
Mariah: I have no thoughts about this song. He's even lying down like he's given up! 3/10
Ben: Is he lying down because this song is putting him to sleep? 'Cause that's what I'm doing. 3/10
Total: 9/30 — youtube.com

Sam: Points for intensity and hair, but there's sort of not much else going on. Such a meh follow-up to MATA HARIIIIII. 3/10
Mariah: I have no thoughts about this song. He's even lying down like he's given up! 3/10
Ben: Is he lying down because this song is putting him to sleep? 'Cause that's what I'm doing. 3/10
Total: 9/30

youtube.com

Sam: Points for intensity and hair, but there's sort of not much else going on. Such a meh follow-up to MATA HARIIIIII. 3/10
Mariah: I have no thoughts about this song. He's even lying down like he's given up! 3/10
Ben: Is he lying down because this song is putting him to sleep? 'Cause that's what I'm doing. 3/10
Total: 9/30

Sam: This guy has a very UK-chart-sounding voice — think George Ezra, Lewis Capaldi, Tom Grennan. The song is sweet, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. 4/10
Mariah: I'm not gonna lie, I'd skip. 4/10
Ben: Ugh, why are you doing some sort of B-list John Lewis Christmas advert track on Eurovision? 2/10
Total: 10/30 — youtube.com

Sam: This guy has a very UK-chart-sounding voice — think George Ezra, Lewis Capaldi, Tom Grennan. The song is sweet, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. 4/10
Mariah: I'm not gonna lie, I'd skip. 4/10
Ben: Ugh, why are you doing some sort of B-list John Lewis Christmas advert track on Eurovision? 2/10
Total: 10/30

youtube.com

Sam: This guy has a very UK-chart-sounding voice — think George Ezra, Lewis Capaldi, Tom Grennan. The song is sweet, but it doesn’t really go anywhere. 4/10
Mariah: I'm not gonna lie, I'd skip. 4/10
Ben: Ugh, why are you doing some sort of B-list John Lewis Christmas advert track on Eurovision? 2/10
Total: 10/30

Sam: She's a good singer, but it's not hitting for me. It sounds a bit film-soundtracky, but not in a good way. 4/10
Mariah: A typical Eurovision ballad, I'm afraid. Nothing original, and it could've been sung in any year. 3/10
Ben: Why would you opt to be barefoot at Eurovision? Who knows what else has been on that stage? No shoes, no socks = low score from me. 3/10
Total: 10/30 — youtube.com

Sam: She's a good singer, but it's not hitting for me. It sounds a bit film-soundtracky, but not in a good way. 4/10
Mariah: A typical Eurovision ballad, I'm afraid. Nothing original, and it could've been sung in any year. 3/10
Ben: Why would you opt to be barefoot at Eurovision? Who knows what else has been on that stage? No shoes, no socks = low score from me. 3/10
Total: 10/30

youtube.com

Sam: She's a good singer, but it's not hitting for me. It sounds a bit film-soundtracky, but not in a good way. 4/10
Mariah: A typical Eurovision ballad, I'm afraid. Nothing original, and it could've been sung in any year. 3/10
Ben: Why would you opt to be barefoot at Eurovision? Who knows what else has been on that stage? No shoes, no socks = low score from me. 3/10
Total: 10/30

Sam: A lot of these lyrics are post-verbal, let's say, which doesn't exactly inspire me. Not a bad song, but a bit of a Coldplay reject. 4.5/10
Mariah: Not loving the simple stage design. It feels a bit like an X Factor winner's song. 4/10
Ben: Nice, inventive lyrics; she literally hasn't moved once. 2/10
Total: 10.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: A lot of these lyrics are post-verbal, let's say, which doesn't exactly inspire me. Not a bad song, but a bit of a Coldplay reject. 4.5/10
Mariah: Not loving the simple stage design. It feels a bit like an X Factor winner's song. 4/10
Ben: Nice, inventive lyrics; she literally hasn't moved once. 2/10
Total: 10.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: A lot of these lyrics are post-verbal, let's say, which doesn't exactly inspire me. Not a bad song, but a bit of a Coldplay reject. 4.5/10
Mariah: Not loving the simple stage design. It feels a bit like an X Factor winner's song. 4/10
Ben: Nice, inventive lyrics; she literally hasn't moved once. 2/10
Total: 10.5/30

Sam: I like it! It's slow, it's cheerful. It's almost like a background song on Heartstopper or something, but it’s not bad. 6/10
Mariah: The fact that she's sitting on a bed makes sense because she's sending me to sleep. 2/10
Ben: Ah, this takes me back to walking along a busy high street, and there was a busker playing Mumford and Sons — aka somewhere I don't wanna be right now. 3/10
Total: 11/30 — youtube.com

Sam: I like it! It's slow, it's cheerful. It's almost like a background song on Heartstopper or something, but it’s not bad. 6/10
Mariah: The fact that she's sitting on a bed makes sense because she's sending me to sleep. 2/10
Ben: Ah, this takes me back to walking along a busy high street, and there was a busker playing Mumford and Sons — aka somewhere I don't wanna be right now. 3/10
Total: 11/30

youtube.com

Sam: I like it! It's slow, it's cheerful. It's almost like a background song on Heartstopper or something, but it’s not bad. 6/10
Mariah: The fact that she's sitting on a bed makes sense because she's sending me to sleep. 2/10
Ben: Ah, this takes me back to walking along a busy high street, and there was a busker playing Mumford and Sons — aka somewhere I don't wanna be right now. 3/10
Total: 11/30

Sam: His outfit is giving me "Madonna being yanked off the stage" flashbacks. I'm living for the voguing, but the song isn’t "llámazing" to me. 5/10
Mariah: I love the performance and his PVC trousers, but the song is forgettable. 3/10
Ben: They seemed sort of bored while performing it, no? It's not a disgrace, but they needed more dancers to fill the stage! 5/10
Total: 13/30 — youtube.com

Sam: His outfit is giving me "Madonna being yanked off the stage" flashbacks. I'm living for the voguing, but the song isn’t "llámazing" to me. 5/10
Mariah: I love the performance and his PVC trousers, but the song is forgettable. 3/10
Ben: They seemed sort of bored while performing it, no? It's not a disgrace, but they needed more dancers to fill the stage! 5/10
Total: 13/30

youtube.com

Sam: His outfit is giving me "Madonna being yanked off the stage" flashbacks. I'm living for the voguing, but the song isn’t "llámazing" to me. 5/10
Mariah: I love the performance and his PVC trousers, but the song is forgettable. 3/10
Ben: They seemed sort of bored while performing it, no? It's not a disgrace, but they needed more dancers to fill the stage! 5/10
Total: 13/30

Sam: Hello, cursive. I'm getting major Lukas Graham vibes with a dash of Ed Sheeran. It’s alright, but nahhhh. 4/10
Mariah: A multi-instrumentalist who has clearly watched a lot of Ed Sheeran and worked hard on his fake American accent. 5/10
Ben: This guy would be called in after a failed X Factor audition and be put together with three other "nearlys" to form the next epic boy band...and that has no place on Eurovision. 4/10
Total: 13/30 — youtube.com

Sam: Hello, cursive. I'm getting major Lukas Graham vibes with a dash of Ed Sheeran. It’s alright, but nahhhh. 4/10
Mariah: A multi-instrumentalist who has clearly watched a lot of Ed Sheeran and worked hard on his fake American accent. 5/10
Ben: This guy would be called in after a failed X Factor audition and be put together with three other "nearlys" to form the next epic boy band...and that has no place on Eurovision. 4/10
Total: 13/30

youtube.com

Sam: Hello, cursive. I'm getting major Lukas Graham vibes with a dash of Ed Sheeran. It’s alright, but nahhhh. 4/10
Mariah: A multi-instrumentalist who has clearly watched a lot of Ed Sheeran and worked hard on his fake American accent. 5/10
Ben: This guy would be called in after a failed X Factor audition and be put together with three other "nearlys" to form the next epic boy band...and that has no place on Eurovision. 4/10
Total: 13/30

Sam: This is a young Liza Minnelli in an evening gown channelling air hostess with the moves, but even with all that, I'm still not a fan. 3/10
Mariah: SHE'S DRESSED LIKE LIZA! I love it, but the song is a bit meh. 6/10
Ben: If I was making a James Bond parody in my year nine media class, I would consider using this song. 4/10
Total: 13/30 — youtube.com

Sam: This is a young Liza Minnelli in an evening gown channelling air hostess with the moves, but even with all that, I'm still not a fan. 3/10
Mariah: SHE'S DRESSED LIKE LIZA! I love it, but the song is a bit meh. 6/10
Ben: If I was making a James Bond parody in my year nine media class, I would consider using this song. 4/10
Total: 13/30

youtube.com

Sam: This is a young Liza Minnelli in an evening gown channelling air hostess with the moves, but even with all that, I'm still not a fan. 3/10
Mariah: SHE'S DRESSED LIKE LIZA! I love it, but the song is a bit meh. 6/10
Ben: If I was making a James Bond parody in my year nine media class, I would consider using this song. 4/10
Total: 13/30

Sam: I would rather watch these guys do *something else* than sing. I'm here for their sexual chemistry, but not much else, sorry. 2.5/10
Mariah: A water feature, YES! And omg, the gay chemistry. 6/10
Ben: I spent the entire time wondering whether he was gonna take his leather trench coat off. Love the vibes, but where was the epic reveal? MISSED A TRICK. 5/10
Total: 13.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: I would rather watch these guys do *something else* than sing. I'm here for their sexual chemistry, but not much else, sorry. 2.5/10
Mariah: A water feature, YES! And omg, the gay chemistry. 6/10
Ben: I spent the entire time wondering whether he was gonna take his leather trench coat off. Love the vibes, but where was the epic reveal? MISSED A TRICK. 5/10
Total: 13.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: I would rather watch these guys do *something else* than sing. I'm here for their sexual chemistry, but not much else, sorry. 2.5/10
Mariah: A water feature, YES! And omg, the gay chemistry. 6/10
Ben: I spent the entire time wondering whether he was gonna take his leather trench coat off. Love the vibes, but where was the epic reveal? MISSED A TRICK. 5/10
Total: 13.5/30

Sam: It’s nice, and I’d be happy to listen to it while lying in the sun on a Saturday afternoon, but I'm not getting Eurovision energy here. Also, what's with the broken music box instrumental? 6/10
Mariah: Bit boring, tbh, and the stage direction is dark and too simple. Come on, it’s Eurovision! 4/10
Ben: What's this? Something kinda unique? No thanks; this one should live on a "Get me to sleep" playlist. 4/10
Total: 14/30 — youtube.com

Sam: It’s nice, and I’d be happy to listen to it while lying in the sun on a Saturday afternoon, but I'm not getting Eurovision energy here. Also, what's with the broken music box instrumental? 6/10
Mariah: Bit boring, tbh, and the stage direction is dark and too simple. Come on, it’s Eurovision! 4/10
Ben: What's this? Something kinda unique? No thanks; this one should live on a "Get me to sleep" playlist. 4/10
Total: 14/30

youtube.com

Sam: It’s nice, and I’d be happy to listen to it while lying in the sun on a Saturday afternoon, but I'm not getting Eurovision energy here. Also, what's with the broken music box instrumental? 6/10
Mariah: Bit boring, tbh, and the stage direction is dark and too simple. Come on, it’s Eurovision! 4/10
Ben: What's this? Something kinda unique? No thanks; this one should live on a "Get me to sleep" playlist. 4/10
Total: 14/30

Sam: This girl said, "I'm just gonna go out there and sing, no gimmicks, it’s just my voice." It works, for the most part — I'm into her Kate Bush dress, too. 6/10
Mariah: Beautiful outfit! It's a very meh ballad that takes a while to kick in, but I think it will do well. 6/10
Ben: It’s a pretty morbid title — oh, wait, it’s a pretty morbid song, too. I feel like this would've worked better if there was someone with her onstage. 3/10
Total: 15/30 — youtube.com

Sam: This girl said, "I'm just gonna go out there and sing, no gimmicks, it’s just my voice." It works, for the most part — I'm into her Kate Bush dress, too. 6/10
Mariah: Beautiful outfit! It's a very meh ballad that takes a while to kick in, but I think it will do well. 6/10
Ben: It’s a pretty morbid title — oh, wait, it’s a pretty morbid song, too. I feel like this would've worked better if there was someone with her onstage. 3/10
Total: 15/30

youtube.com

Sam: This girl said, "I'm just gonna go out there and sing, no gimmicks, it’s just my voice." It works, for the most part — I'm into her Kate Bush dress, too. 6/10
Mariah: Beautiful outfit! It's a very meh ballad that takes a while to kick in, but I think it will do well. 6/10
Ben: It’s a pretty morbid title — oh, wait, it’s a pretty morbid song, too. I feel like this would've worked better if there was someone with her onstage. 3/10
Total: 15/30

Sam: Okay, I’m here for Icelandic Haim! It’s pleasant but a little underwhelming, given what Iceland usually sends. 6.5/10
Mariah: I like that it's three women on guitars who look like different styles from the '70s, but it's a very forgettable song. 5/10
Ben: NGL, this is kinda underwhelming — where are the monster costumes and the drum solos? I think "Volcano Man" would have been a better choice. 4/10
Total: 15.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: Okay, I’m here for Icelandic Haim! It’s pleasant but a little underwhelming, given what Iceland usually sends. 6.5/10
Mariah: I like that it's three women on guitars who look like different styles from the '70s, but it's a very forgettable song. 5/10
Ben: NGL, this is kinda underwhelming — where are the monster costumes and the drum solos? I think "Volcano Man" would have been a better choice. 4/10
Total: 15.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: Okay, I’m here for Icelandic Haim! It’s pleasant but a little underwhelming, given what Iceland usually sends. 6.5/10
Mariah: I like that it's three women on guitars who look like different styles from the '70s, but it's a very forgettable song. 5/10
Ben: NGL, this is kinda underwhelming — where are the monster costumes and the drum solos? I think "Volcano Man" would have been a better choice. 4/10
Total: 15.5/30

Sam: There are so many songs in English this year! The fake rain was giving me "Cry Me a River". It's catchy and well performed. 7.5/10
Mariah: I enjoyed the fake rain, but it's a boring outfit and a meh song. 5/10
Ben: Wow, more falsetto! Other than that cool element, this is just giving me "sad montage" vibes. 4/10
Total: 16.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: There are so many songs in English this year! The fake rain was giving me "Cry Me a River". It's catchy and well performed. 7.5/10
Mariah: I enjoyed the fake rain, but it's a boring outfit and a meh song. 5/10
Ben: Wow, more falsetto! Other than that cool element, this is just giving me "sad montage" vibes. 4/10
Total: 16.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: There are so many songs in English this year! The fake rain was giving me "Cry Me a River". It's catchy and well performed. 7.5/10
Mariah: I enjoyed the fake rain, but it's a boring outfit and a meh song. 5/10
Ben: Wow, more falsetto! Other than that cool element, this is just giving me "sad montage" vibes. 4/10
Total: 16.5/30

Sam: He's hot and he can certainly sing, but the song is dull to the nth degree. It does get better towards the end, but it strikes me as a bit of a Christian camp–type song. 5/10
Mariah: I don't know why this performance looks like it has an old-school Instagram filter on it, but I'm guessing it's supposed to be the Wild West?! It definitely has that Eurovision vibe, but it's middle of the road to me. 5.5/10
Ben: I'm kind of here for the spaghetti Western style. Also, this guy looks super happy to be there, so good for him! 6/10
Total: 16.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: He's hot and he can certainly sing, but the song is dull to the nth degree. It does get better towards the end, but it strikes me as a bit of a Christian camp–type song. 5/10
Mariah: I don't know why this performance looks like it has an old-school Instagram filter on it, but I'm guessing it's supposed to be the Wild West?! It definitely has that Eurovision vibe, but it's middle of the road to me. 5.5/10
Ben: I'm kind of here for the spaghetti Western style. Also, this guy looks super happy to be there, so good for him! 6/10
Total: 16.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: He's hot and he can certainly sing, but the song is dull to the nth degree. It does get better towards the end, but it strikes me as a bit of a Christian camp–type song. 5/10
Mariah: I don't know why this performance looks like it has an old-school Instagram filter on it, but I'm guessing it's supposed to be the Wild West?! It definitely has that Eurovision vibe, but it's middle of the road to me. 5.5/10
Ben: I'm kind of here for the spaghetti Western style. Also, this guy looks super happy to be there, so good for him! 6/10
Total: 16.5/30

Sam: Why does this begin like the singer is a nurse in a patient's room about to deliver bad news? In fact, it feels like there’s a whole story going on in this song and a lot of metaphor going over my head, which is fun. 5/10
Mariah: Is she singing about Meghan Markle?! And washing her hands?! I have no idea what is happening. 6/10
Ben: I am at a loss for words. I feel like this is the final ceremony of a cult initiation, which I guess is kind of...interesting? 6/10
Total: 17/30 — youtube.com

Sam: Why does this begin like the singer is a nurse in a patient's room about to deliver bad news? In fact, it feels like there’s a whole story going on in this song and a lot of metaphor going over my head, which is fun. 5/10
Mariah: Is she singing about Meghan Markle?! And washing her hands?! I have no idea what is happening. 6/10
Ben: I am at a loss for words. I feel like this is the final ceremony of a cult initiation, which I guess is kind of...interesting? 6/10
Total: 17/30

youtube.com

Sam: Why does this begin like the singer is a nurse in a patient's room about to deliver bad news? In fact, it feels like there’s a whole story going on in this song and a lot of metaphor going over my head, which is fun. 5/10
Mariah: Is she singing about Meghan Markle?! And washing her hands?! I have no idea what is happening. 6/10
Ben: I am at a loss for words. I feel like this is the final ceremony of a cult initiation, which I guess is kind of...interesting? 6/10
Total: 17/30

Sam: It has relatable lyrics and a poppy sound! I mean, it’s kinda generic, but I'm into it. 6.5/10
Mariah: I can definitely see myself dancing to this drunk in the club. 6/10
Ben: This is a vibe and I’m here for it! Eurovision is for Europop, and they’ve nailed it. 6/10
Total: 18.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: It has relatable lyrics and a poppy sound! I mean, it’s kinda generic, but I'm into it. 6.5/10
Mariah: I can definitely see myself dancing to this drunk in the club. 6/10
Ben: This is a vibe and I’m here for it! Eurovision is for Europop, and they’ve nailed it. 6/10
Total: 18.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: It has relatable lyrics and a poppy sound! I mean, it’s kinda generic, but I'm into it. 6.5/10
Mariah: I can definitely see myself dancing to this drunk in the club. 6/10
Ben: This is a vibe and I’m here for it! Eurovision is for Europop, and they’ve nailed it. 6/10
Total: 18.5/30

Sam: I’m so easily swayed by a hot guy! I’m not sure any of these guys are great singers, but the song does have a good beat. 6.5/10
Mariah: This is Eurovision! Fire, drums, lights, and a man wearing eyeliner! 6/10
Ben: Fire? Yes, please. Extra points because the more intense the stare, the better, imo. 6/10
Total: 18.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: I’m so easily swayed by a hot guy! I’m not sure any of these guys are great singers, but the song does have a good beat. 6.5/10
Mariah: This is Eurovision! Fire, drums, lights, and a man wearing eyeliner! 6/10
Ben: Fire? Yes, please. Extra points because the more intense the stare, the better, imo. 6/10
Total: 18.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: I’m so easily swayed by a hot guy! I’m not sure any of these guys are great singers, but the song does have a good beat. 6.5/10
Mariah: This is Eurovision! Fire, drums, lights, and a man wearing eyeliner! 6/10
Ben: Fire? Yes, please. Extra points because the more intense the stare, the better, imo. 6/10
Total: 18.5/30

Sam: Okay, hello, Alexander McQueen fantasy with the Sam Smith vocals! This guy is such a good singer, and I'm definitely here for the theatrics and overall dynamic. 8.5/10
Mariah: Well, the outfit is giving me Met Gala, but the song is giving boring ballad. 5/10
Ben: BRB, just grabbing my European Interrail pass and heading to...Australia?! How has this happened? It's a good outfit, so they can have a few points for that. 5/10
Total: 18.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: Okay, hello, Alexander McQueen fantasy with the Sam Smith vocals! This guy is such a good singer, and I'm definitely here for the theatrics and overall dynamic. 8.5/10
Mariah: Well, the outfit is giving me Met Gala, but the song is giving boring ballad. 5/10
Ben: BRB, just grabbing my European Interrail pass and heading to...Australia?! How has this happened? It's a good outfit, so they can have a few points for that. 5/10
Total: 18.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: Okay, hello, Alexander McQueen fantasy with the Sam Smith vocals! This guy is such a good singer, and I'm definitely here for the theatrics and overall dynamic. 8.5/10
Mariah: Well, the outfit is giving me Met Gala, but the song is giving boring ballad. 5/10
Ben: BRB, just grabbing my European Interrail pass and heading to...Australia?! How has this happened? It's a good outfit, so they can have a few points for that. 5/10
Total: 18.5/30

Sam: I can hear how this song caters to Sam's amazing range; it's a bit Elton John meets Coldplay, with a Sia "Alive"–type chorus. I'm not sure I love it, but go off, Sam! 7/10
Mariah: I feel like we've finally understood the Eurovision assignment. 7.5/10
Ben: IDK why he's wearing the classic "I've just been to Thailand" throw as a jumpsuit, but going all in with the falsetto is a brave move, and I salute that! Sadly, for me, this song isn't great. 4/10
Total: 18.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: I can hear how this song caters to Sam's amazing range; it's a bit Elton John meets Coldplay, with a Sia "Alive"–type chorus. I'm not sure I love it, but go off, Sam! 7/10
Mariah: I feel like we've finally understood the Eurovision assignment. 7.5/10
Ben: IDK why he's wearing the classic "I've just been to Thailand" throw as a jumpsuit, but going all in with the falsetto is a brave move, and I salute that! Sadly, for me, this song isn't great. 4/10
Total: 18.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: I can hear how this song caters to Sam's amazing range; it's a bit Elton John meets Coldplay, with a Sia "Alive"–type chorus. I'm not sure I love it, but go off, Sam! 7/10
Mariah: I feel like we've finally understood the Eurovision assignment. 7.5/10
Ben: IDK why he's wearing the classic "I've just been to Thailand" throw as a jumpsuit, but going all in with the falsetto is a brave move, and I salute that! Sadly, for me, this song isn't great. 4/10
Total: 18.5/30

Sam: Um, WHAT? The Rasmus...of "In the Shadows" fame?? Wow, what a welcome throwback. I'm liking the lead singer's "Timothée shirtless at the Oscars" look. The song isn't bad, but it's not good, either. 5.5/10
Mariah: The Rasmus! I wasn’t expecting a Pennywise theme, but okayyyy. The chorus might be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. 7/10
Ben: Loved it from the first moment — finally, some actual showmanship! I will never listen to this again — therefore, it's perfect. 7/10
Total: 19.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: Um, WHAT? The Rasmus...of "In the Shadows" fame?? Wow, what a welcome throwback. I'm liking the lead singer's "Timothée shirtless at the Oscars" look. The song isn't bad, but it's not good, either. 5.5/10
Mariah: The Rasmus! I wasn’t expecting a Pennywise theme, but okayyyy. The chorus might be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. 7/10
Ben: Loved it from the first moment — finally, some actual showmanship! I will never listen to this again — therefore, it's perfect. 7/10
Total: 19.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: Um, WHAT? The Rasmus...of "In the Shadows" fame?? Wow, what a welcome throwback. I'm liking the lead singer's "Timothée shirtless at the Oscars" look. The song isn't bad, but it's not good, either. 5.5/10
Mariah: The Rasmus! I wasn’t expecting a Pennywise theme, but okayyyy. The chorus might be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. 7/10
Ben: Loved it from the first moment — finally, some actual showmanship! I will never listen to this again — therefore, it's perfect. 7/10
Total: 19.5/30

Sam: I mean, this is peak weird Eurovision — the lyrics, the performance, the song title. Just why? It’s giving me Duck Sauce vibes, tbf. 6/10
Mariah: Here for the WTF title! The lyrics are bonkers, and I’m still not sure why there are men dancing in yellow bodysuits singing about their grandma. 7/10
Ben: I couldn’t care less what the song is like — Norway clearly got the message to take the piss, and therefore they have won my vote. 8/10
Total: 21/30 — youtube.com

Sam: I mean, this is peak weird Eurovision — the lyrics, the performance, the song title. Just why? It’s giving me Duck Sauce vibes, tbf. 6/10
Mariah: Here for the WTF title! The lyrics are bonkers, and I’m still not sure why there are men dancing in yellow bodysuits singing about their grandma. 7/10
Ben: I couldn’t care less what the song is like — Norway clearly got the message to take the piss, and therefore they have won my vote. 8/10
Total: 21/30

youtube.com

Sam: I mean, this is peak weird Eurovision — the lyrics, the performance, the song title. Just why? It’s giving me Duck Sauce vibes, tbf. 6/10
Mariah: Here for the WTF title! The lyrics are bonkers, and I’m still not sure why there are men dancing in yellow bodysuits singing about their grandma. 7/10
Ben: I couldn’t care less what the song is like — Norway clearly got the message to take the piss, and therefore they have won my vote. 8/10
Total: 21/30

Sam: It's got Bond undertones in the instruments; I like it, but the best "Miss You" song is still by Blink-182. 6.5/10
Mariah: Not a bad song, but it feels like a '00s one-hit wonder — did Kandi write this? Enjoyed the Michael Jackson lean, though! 8/10
Ben: It's not very Eurovision, but it is a bit of a groove, so I’ll let them off. 7/10
Total: 21.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: It's got Bond undertones in the instruments; I like it, but the best "Miss You" song is still by Blink-182. 6.5/10
Mariah: Not a bad song, but it feels like a '00s one-hit wonder — did Kandi write this? Enjoyed the Michael Jackson lean, though! 8/10
Ben: It's not very Eurovision, but it is a bit of a groove, so I’ll let them off. 7/10
Total: 21.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: It's got Bond undertones in the instruments; I like it, but the best "Miss You" song is still by Blink-182. 6.5/10
Mariah: Not a bad song, but it feels like a '00s one-hit wonder — did Kandi write this? Enjoyed the Michael Jackson lean, though! 8/10
Ben: It's not very Eurovision, but it is a bit of a groove, so I’ll let them off. 7/10
Total: 21.5/30

Sam: This reminded me of when the Durmstrang boys burst into the Great Hall in Harry Potter. 5/10
Mariah: YESSSS, rap in another language! I don't understand a word, but I feel like he has bars. 9/10
Ben: I'm loving this — traditional flute, lovely hat, rapping, double bass. Give me more! 8/10
Total: 22/30 — youtube.com

Sam: This reminded me of when the Durmstrang boys burst into the Great Hall in Harry Potter. 5/10
Mariah: YESSSS, rap in another language! I don't understand a word, but I feel like he has bars. 9/10
Ben: I'm loving this — traditional flute, lovely hat, rapping, double bass. Give me more! 8/10
Total: 22/30

youtube.com

Sam: This reminded me of when the Durmstrang boys burst into the Great Hall in Harry Potter. 5/10
Mariah: YESSSS, rap in another language! I don't understand a word, but I feel like he has bars. 9/10
Ben: I'm loving this — traditional flute, lovely hat, rapping, double bass. Give me more! 8/10
Total: 22/30

Sam: This is what I want! A fierce diva in a glittery costume coming out and singing a dance track. It could’ve gone harder, but it was still good. 7.5/10
Mariah: Yesssss! This one bangs! 8/10
Ben: Hell yeah! Getting sexy dancers onstage with you is Eurovision 101, and not a bad track, either! 7/10
Total: 22.5/30 — youtube.com

Sam: This is what I want! A fierce diva in a glittery costume coming out and singing a dance track. It could’ve gone harder, but it was still good. 7.5/10
Mariah: Yesssss! This one bangs! 8/10
Ben: Hell yeah! Getting sexy dancers onstage with you is Eurovision 101, and not a bad track, either! 7/10
Total: 22.5/30

youtube.com

Sam: This is what I want! A fierce diva in a glittery costume coming out and singing a dance track. It could’ve gone harder, but it was still good. 7.5/10
Mariah: Yesssss! This one bangs! 8/10
Ben: Hell yeah! Getting sexy dancers onstage with you is Eurovision 101, and not a bad track, either! 7/10
Total: 22.5/30

Sam: You really can't predict where this song is going next! It's kind of like "Cotton Eyed Joe" meets the Dandy Warhols. Definitely entertaining! 7/10
Mariah: BONKERS! It starts off very rocky, then there's a rap, then this folky music comes out of nowhere — I love it all! 8/10
Ben: HERE WE GO! This is absolutely wonderful, and I have no idea what it is. I would happily have these guys play at my wedding. 8/10
Total: 23/30 — youtube.com

Sam: You really can't predict where this song is going next! It's kind of like "Cotton Eyed Joe" meets the Dandy Warhols. Definitely entertaining! 7/10
Mariah: BONKERS! It starts off very rocky, then there's a rap, then this folky music comes out of nowhere — I love it all! 8/10
Ben: HERE WE GO! This is absolutely wonderful, and I have no idea what it is. I would happily have these guys play at my wedding. 8/10
Total: 23/30

youtube.com

Sam: You really can't predict where this song is going next! It's kind of like "Cotton Eyed Joe" meets the Dandy Warhols. Definitely entertaining! 7/10
Mariah: BONKERS! It starts off very rocky, then there's a rap, then this folky music comes out of nowhere — I love it all! 8/10
Ben: HERE WE GO! This is absolutely wonderful, and I have no idea what it is. I would happily have these guys play at my wedding. 8/10
Total: 23/30

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