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How Freaking Terrible Are Your Migraines?

Rank your suffering!

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    You've woken up with a migraine.
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    Or had it totally come out of nowhere and hit you like a speeding runaway train.
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    A train that was aiming for your head.
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    If you had to rate the pain of the actual migraine headache on a 1-10 scale, you'd say something between 1,000 and infinity.
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    Post-migraine, you tend to feel…foggy and not 100% sure wtf is going on around you.
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    ...also sleepy and sad.
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    ...achy all over.
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    ...super forgetful.
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    ...like a puppet on floppy strings.
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    Your migraines come with a batsignal that announces their arrival — constant yawning, intense food cravings, sore neck, an aura, etc.
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    You get an aura that basically blinds you with lights, shapes, specks, etc.
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    Or you smell an odor that isn't there.
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    Or you hear sounds that technically speaking aren't actually happening.
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    Or your aura causes numbness/tingling/pins-and-needles.
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    You've been known to puke during a migraine.
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    Aaaand diarrhea comes with the territory.
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    Throwing up while having diarrhea is kinda your thing.
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    Your migraines can last several hours.
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    Or sometimes for an entire day.
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    Ugh maybe even 2-3 days?
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    Fuck it, maybe up to a week.
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    Rough estimate? 8-10 eternities.
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    You get migraines at least once a year.
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    Lol actually once a month.
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    You basically schedule in about one migraine a week.
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    You get migraines every day that ends in Y.
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    Even the dimmest of lights feel like they are tearing through your brain when you have a migraine.
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    And also beforehand.
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    And also after.
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    During a migraine, quiet sounds feel like they're screams coming from inside your skull.
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    And for a couple days before and/or after.
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    It's not uncommon to miss work or school because you have a migraine.
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    Or are 90% sure you're about to get one.
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    Or just had one.
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    Or had one last week but you still feel terrible.
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    You've tried explaining your migraines to professors, co-workers, managers.
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    Your migraine is triggered by....red wine.
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    ...aged cheeses.
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    ...your period / hormonal changes.
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    ...processed foods.
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    ...stress.
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    ...strong smells.
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    ...bright lights.
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    ...changes to your sleep routine.
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    ...changes in the weather.
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    ...exercise.
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    ...chocolate.
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    ...caffeine.
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    ...literally everything good and delicious in life.
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    You don't step one foot outside your home without migraine rescue meds.
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    And a backup supply just in case.
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    There's literally no event or food or drink special enough to get you to expose yourself to a trigger.
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    You keep ear plugs and a sleep mask in your bedroom / in your bag at all times.
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    You are never not exceedingly well stocked in Gatorade / Pedialyte.
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    Every so often you see, hear, or smell something that makes you wonder if you're getting a migraine.
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    You've had to suppress your rage when someone called your migraine a "headache."
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    Or when someone suggested trying meditation to treat them.
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    Or when a person suggested cutting _________ out of your diet.
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    And with that person who said, "It's probably stress-related. Are you stressed?"
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    You have a post-migraine ritual you never miss that involves...Gatorade/Pedialyte and saltines/dry toast.
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    ...taking a bath or shower.
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    ....eating fast food/takeout/some kind of "junk" food.
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    ...stretching or doing very gentle yoga.
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    ...getting a back/neck/scalp/head rub.
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    ...lying around with a hot or cold compress.
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    Telling everyone to leave you alone forever.
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    Your post-migraine ritual is sleep. Just sleep.
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    Maybe with some crying?
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    Sometimes mid-migraine you've thought "Hey, if this is the time my head actually explodes, well, at least I wouldn't be in pain anymore."
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    You cry as soon as you realize a migraine is coming on.
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    You weep during your migraines (as quietly as possible).
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    As soon as your migraine is over, here come the water works.
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    You've been known to have a good sob in the days following your migraines.
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    There's literally no stage of your migraine that's tear-free.
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    You are convinced that most people think that migraines can't possibly be as bad as you say they are.
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    You think non-migraine people who complain about PMS have it damn easy.
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    You think non-migraine people who complain about PMS should not be allowed to speak around you.
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    You're confident that having a migraine is in the top three most painful things a human being can experience.
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    And you've said that to people.
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    Many times.
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    Checking items off this list has made you think you're getting a migraine.
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    That's not funny.
 
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