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5 Ways To Find A Date For Valentines Day

Do you tweet "Currently accepting applications to be my Valentine," as a joke to hide your true insecurities. Are you tired of eating an entire bucket of KFC's fried chicken alone in your cold, dark basement? Do you have voices in your head that tell you that you are going to die alone? Well if so, this list will help you put down the gun and pick up the phone to make reservations at Chilli's. Because you my friend, have a date this year.

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1. Download Tinder

"Tinder: The only place where you can meet your future spouse while pooping." You're welcome, Tinder, for that slogan. I'll take a royalty deal. If you are struggling to meet people because you are married to your job or you have weird facial structure, tinder is a quick and easy way to find a perfect match. All you have to do is download the app then create a witty bio like, "I probably like your dog more than you." After that super original bio, you will want to upload pictures of yourself. Probably the one where you are standing next to your hot friends. Finally get to swiping. Pro tip: If you're a soft 5, that super model that you match with is probably real. You should totally sign up for whatever link they message you.

2. Buy a date

"SHES NOT A PROSTITUTE MOM, SHE'S AN ESCORT!" Craigslist is probably the best route for this adventure. With the right amount of money, your valentines day will be filled with delicious food, great drinks, and the stench of cigarettes & suppressed childhood memories.

3. Ask your grandma

"Hey Grandma, will you be my date for Valentine's day?"


"I said, will you be my date for Valentine's day?"

"what!? speak into my good ear honey."


"Nah bruh, I wouldn't be caught dead with your bitch ass."

"That's kind of mean, Grandma."

"I lived through the great depression, polio, and two world wars... I could beat your ass."

4. Build a date

Step One: Apply to MIT

Step Two: Get accepted to MIT

Step Three: Major in Robotics at MIT

Step Four: Learn how to build a robot wife like Plankton did

Step Five: Ask thus robot out on a date (program it to say yes)

Step Six: Pay back $250,000 in tuition loans

Step Seven: Die broke with a sticky robot wife

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