One of the most heartbreaking things someone can experience is trying to have a relationship with a parent who doesn't give back the same effort.
So, when I saw Reddit user u/dirt-slut ask: "What did *that* parent do that ended your relationship with them?" I thought it would be helpful to share their experiences so people may feel less alone. Here's what they had to say below:
1. "The last straw was when my father convinced my grandparents to get me kicked out of their house while I was finishing up university by telling them that the hookah I was partaking in every few weeks was an illegal drug. During finals, which was pretty fun."
2. "Not no contact, but I'm very limited and selective about what I tell [my mom]. Last year, I wanted to have my birthday celebration at my grandma's house because she has a garden and my mom only has a flat, and I wanted to grill instead of ordering pizza or going to a restaurant. Well, she did not like that, and after some back and forth, and me just repeating, 'I want to grill, and it's summer, and we can sit outside at grandma's,' she told me, 'Well, go do it at grandma's then — nobody wants to talk to you, anyway.' Let's just say I said, 'Yeah, right,' and left. Guess what? We had my birthday at grandma's. It was my 25th birthday."
3. "My mother often said, 'Your sorry daddy never cared enough about you to pay child support,' but I found out later, he had money order receipts. He was a career Navy man so he'd have been forced to pay. She stole two of my paychecks when I was a single mother, signing them over to herself in her sweeping left handwriting; I'm right-handed."
4. "After a childhood ripe with physical, emotional, and psychological abuse followed by limited contact through my 20s, I finally decided to confront my mother. She agreed to go to therapy with me. A couple of days later, she started asking questions about the cost to which I said I’d pay. A couple of days after that, she was asking about how often we had to go. A couple of days after that, she said she didn’t want to go because I’d 'expose her.' I was then told that the abuse I endured was my fault because I had given up on being a good son. This all happened four years ago, and I went no contact immediately after. My life has gotten better since then."
5. "My somewhat estranged father insulted my amazing wife — so I didn't talk to him for years. He got back together with my former stepmom (lovely lady) who told him to smarten the fuck up — he was losing out on his son, grandkids, etc. I was hesitant when he called (he had broader issues). I went gingerly until he took a soft shot at my wife. I told him he had two choices: apologize and we will move forward, or I'm done. He took another shot; I said we are done and hung up. He proceeded to take shots online about me, his ex, and my mom."
6. "My girlfriend died, my cat died, my car got stolen — that’s not even the whole list, but it all happened so fast. I called my mom for some love and support. She told me, 'Just remember: Everything bad that happens to you is YOUR fault.' Thanks for the pep talk, ma."
7. "My mother couldn't stand my wife. Twelve years after we got married, my mother still referred to my wife as 'my roommate.' She was constantly trying to break us up. After my father died, I stopped contact with her completely."
8. "He started treating my son the way he treated me when I was growing up. Ended up going no contact before my daughter was born. No way in hell was I going to expose my kids to the trauma I endured as a child."
9. "It was 'his weekend,' and I needed tampons. He took me to Walgreens and tried to drop me at the door, and I said, 'I don’t have any money.' So, he gave me the cash and said I could pay him back. I was 12. He wasn’t kidding. I never respected my dad again after that. I told my mom, and she offered to send me money, but I told her I didn’t want to go there anymore after that."
10. "Emotional and psychological abuse. It wasn't one event, it was more of a realization that the cycle of abuse was going to continue to repeat itself. One of the last times I was in the cycle of being the 'bad kid' in the family, and I was hurt and upset; my boyfriend (now husband) said, 'Why did you think it would be any different? If someone keeps punching you in the face and you keep getting within arms reach, what do you expect will happen?' And it was the first time anyone had ever pointed out that I had a choice to not allow it. That was 15 years ago. The healthier I got, the sicker I realized they were. I would never campaign for people to cut family off for something that can be worked out, but I totally advocate cutting all ties with toxic people. Toxic will always be toxic until they do work to heal themselves."
11. "With my job, it is almost impossible to get holidays off. She lives close enough that it isn't a flight, but far enough that it would ideally be an overnight trip. Two years in a row, she said we can plan Thanksgiving around when I can come out, and two years in a row, literally an hour after plans are made, she changes dates knowing I can't make it. It wouldn't be an issue if she didn't offer, then immediately backtracked."
12. "She was terrible with boundaries and taught me to live my life through a lens of fear the way that she did. She relied on me for emotional intimacy when I was a child in ways that I don’t think were appropriate in hindsight. She was never abusive, and I could probably forgive her for any one of the above issues, but all three of them together was just too much."
13. "My mom never used to do anything with me unless it seemingly benefited her in some way, but whenever I'd get into trouble with someone else, she'd do the whole 'loving parent' thing. My parents divorced and I went to visit her for the first time in five years, asked her why she never did anything with me as a kid, and her answer was: 'Because I was never good at those things.' That wasn't the fucking point; it was spending time with your kid. My dad did his best, but he was in the military so he was gone a lot during my childhood. 90% of my current issues stem from being neglected and not having anyone realize I was severely depressed after my only friend at the time died. (I hung out with other kids but didn't think of them as friends.)"
14. "It's such a long story, but maybe I can sum it up. My mother married my stepfather when I was 13. Before then, we had been very close. She was my only parent since my dad died. The new stepfather seemed nice at first but turned out to be an abusive asshole. For whatever reason, he focused most of that abuse on me. My mom turned a blind eye to it. He was the man of the house. He was in charge. She'd do nothing. Eventually, I moved out and went to college. I never went back home. My stepfather died from a heart attack eventually. I have seen my mother a few times since, but it can never be the same as it once was. We're like strangers treating each other politely. But we have little to say to each other."
15. "My boyfriend and I have a very healthy relationship. I am going to marry that man, and ain't no one stopping us. The reason my mom was seething about it is quite funny actually. It's because he takes care of me. He cooks for me, buys me some things from time to time, and brings some stuff for me (like food and blankets) if I can't get them myself or if I don't know where it is. It's funny because she didn't ever do that. She would be mad at me if I asked for food. I still will panic if anyone offers me food because I'm afraid they'll scream at me. It's 'abusive of my part' to 'force' him to do that. And that was it. That was the final straw for me to lose it with her. She won't take care of me or love me? Fine, I guess she's not obligated to. But now, she wants to stop others from doing so, too?"
16. "I suffered a brain injury as a teenager. The first thing my mother said the morning after it happened was, 'Your father and I are going to be very angry if you develop epilepsy from this.' No support, no concern, no hugs, or promises to help me figure it out. Just anger and threats."
17. "A snowstorm was coming. My cat got paw prints on my dad's Range Rover, and my dad tried to get me to throw him outside for the night (possibly forever). I packed up my things and left. I haven't seen him in four years. To be clear, there was a lot leading up to this — this was just the straw that broke the camel's back."
Did you ever cut ties with a parent based on a specific thing they've done? If so, tell us what happened in the comments below:
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.