For women, it can be incredibly frustrating to be expected to do so much when it comes to our relationships, families, and kids — but men are often praised for simply doing the bare minimum.
So when Reddit user u/ii_abby asked the r/AskWomen community, "Ladies, when did you realize that the bar was low for men?" I thought it would be helpful to share their experiences. Here's some of what they had to say:
1. "My husband brought me up a cup of coffee while I was WFH and on a Zoom call. People on the call were literally like, 'Whoa, gurl, you got him whipped!' And 'Where do I get service like this?' A few weeks later, a colleague told me she told her boyfriend about this, and he told her there was no chance any guy would do this. I mean, it's just a nice thing he does every day when he makes his own coffee, and it's something that I appreciate, but he's not saving the world, is he?"
2. "I was on a second date with a guy, and I let him know I wouldn't be sleeping with him and that I wanted something serious. He still told me he'd be walking me home. When we got to my place, I let him in (silly, I know, but I trusted him). As he was leaving my apartment, he saw I had this thingy that needed installing. He immediately said he could take care of it for me if I wanted to, and I remember just being in shock and couldn't speak. I wasn't ready for a guy to be nice without the promise of sex. I said, 'No, no, it's fine.' He asked me how long it had been waiting to be installed, and I said, 'Two to three months.' He said, 'Really, it's not a problem. I can take care of it for you — it'll take me a second.' To be honest, I was flabbergasted that he kept being so nice and respectful."
3. "I always knew things were different, but it became REALLY pronounced when my husband and I became parents. And we both noticed it. If he takes my kiddo anywhere, people will come up and shower him with compliments. If I take my kiddo anywhere, I get more 'advice,' criticism, or side glances than compliments, if I'm noticed at all. Like, we praise the bare minimum for men but then criticize women unless they are absolutely perfect (and even then...)."
4. "I realized I was amazed that he didn't require me to be hairless at all times, like my exes had."
5. "At the beginning of the relationship with my partner, he would initiate things like cooking dinner and cleaning up afterward. I profusely thanked him for being so thoughtful, and he was shocked that it was such a big deal to me, when in his eyes, he was just doing things that needed to be done. That’s when I realized what a low bar I had been setting for myself, too."
6. "After realizing how many men think that arrested development, learned helplessness, and weaponized incompetence are cute quirks (e.g., men endearingly calling themselves 'idiots' whenever they make blunders in relationships, blunders that probably wouldn’t happen if they exercised the slightest bit of forethought or empathy). It feels like the bar has to be pretty low if we’re holding men to the same standard as literal children — or, more accurately, they’re holding themselves to that standard and we’re expected to follow suit."
7. "When a colleague of mine had been reported and disciplined for bullying and sexual harassment. My boss (also male) commented on the situation as follows: 'I feel sorry for him because it can’t be fun for him that the women here don’t want to work with him…'"
8. "By my early 20s, since I lived in a conservative area and did not feel comfortable outing myself to most people, I had come up with a way to avoid being set up on dates. I had a set of rules: no smokers (I have asthma), no alcoholics, no drug addicts, no prison time, must be either pursuing education or have a job and have regular access to a car (rural town, no public transit, and I got real tired of being a chauffeur). Every time someone wanted to set me up with a guy, they failed those requirements. They are not excessively stringent requirements!!"
9. "Hearing so many of my straight friends hyping up the most basic shit. Things that I've done for them as a friend that they hype up for their boyfriends."
10. "When I was 12 and complained that my brother — who is 18 months older than I am — always did a bad job on his chores but mine had to be perfect. My mom made me redo his chores, even the harder things, like mowing and trimming the lawn."
11. "When he willingly went down on me and enjoyed it and cared about how I was feeling. I thought he was the best lover ever, but it should be the bare minimum."
12. "My tall brother carries his toddler (who takes after him) more than his wife does, and my aunt believes that makes her a lazy mom. My cousin was shocked to learn that he changes his child's diapers."
13. "When I see dressed-up women accompanied by slovenly looking men."
14. "I had people say I was taking advantage of him when we started dating because he would bring me stuff, when I was 'more than capable.' I have pretty bad social anxiety — I especially got it when I was younger — and at parties, he would get me a beer or pizza or whatever while I sat on the couch. Or his older sister said I should be fixing his plate, not him fixing mine."
15. "When I started dating my boyfriend. He is always so excited just to spend time with me and treats me with kindness and affection — small, thoughtful gestures, what you’d think are basic things. I literally couldn’t wrap my brain around why he was doing these things for me. The biggest thing was him remembering things I'd said in passing months or weeks ago. It literally blew my mind."
16. "I and my husband both work full-time jobs. One time, because of work stress, I forgot to send my husband some important documents he needed, although I had promised I would send them. I apologized profusely. He forgave me, but his family made it seem as if I'd made a huge mistake (just FYI, I did send those documents, just a day later). On the other hand, one time, my husband put some stuff on the stove, left it lit, and left the house. We were a few minutes away from visiting his family, and we got a call from the fire department. Nothing burned down, but the neighbors called the police and fire department because the smoke alarm went off. The kitchen was blackened, and some utensils were destroyed. My grandma-in-law said how it should be the wife's responsibility to look at all the knobs and switches and make sure everything is turned off before leaving."
"I had just returned from work, gotten ready, and left for the visit. I didn't even know my husband had turned on the stove. It always seems to be their go-to thing to say that I should keep an eye on his actions to stop him from making errors. But I have enough things that I need to do; I don't think it is fair to expect me to monitor his life completely."
17. "When I started thinking, At least he didn't send a dick pic whenever weird men texted me."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.