If there's one emotion that's really hard to shake, it's anger. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being or getting angry — after all, it's an emotion that can signal to you when a boundary has been crossed and is a necessary component for our survival — there are some unhealthy ways to process it (i.e. physical or emotional violence toward a person).
So, for Mental Health Awareness Month, I found a Reddit thread where user u/Grouchy-Trip9582 asked: "What do you do to calm your anger?" and I thought the answers would be helpful. Here's what they had to say.
1. "I have to get away from people."
2. "Think about cooking. It sounds weird, but I debate what I'm gonna cook for dinner and run through the ingredients in my head. That way, I'm distracted from rage, and it gives me time to process my feelings."
3. "Step back and ask myself why the thing making me angry is making me angry. Is it a knee-jerk defensiveness because something I take for granted has been challenged? Was it an intentionally inflammatory statement designed to make me angry for the sake of attention or clicks? Am I missing an understandable reason someone might do or say something that seems offensive on the surface? Is the person I'm talking to genuinely too ignorant or stupid to understand the implications of what they're saying or doing? Or, after all the other possibilities are exhausted, is the anger legitimate? And by the time I've gone through all that, even if it is legitimate, I will have cooled off enough to behave rationally despite any underlying anger."
4. "I begin singing something in my head. Something calming like Pink Floyd or any number of Black Sabbath songs."
5. "A therapist of mine told me that most anger is a reaction to a different type of feeling. I try to analyze what other feelings I'm feeling and get to the core of it. Sometimes, it sucks because anger is a knee-jerk response usually and hard to really calm — but to avoid arguments, it's better to analyze. It also helps you to understand others more."
6. "Have you ever read about stoicism? A big part of that is the neutrality of perception. Changing how you perceive the world can help you control how you react to it. In the moment, though, it's more about recognizing the signs you're about to lose your temper and intervening somehow. Taking a deep breath, leaving the situation, and doing a grounding exercise."
7. "For me, strong emotions are like a runaway train. I can't 'just breathe.' First, I need to catch my breath, so to speak. I was given a technique to try called 'Five Senses.' It's been very helpful when I experience strong emotions and feel overwhelmed. Name five things you can see, four things you can feel, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste."
8. "Remember the three Rs: Recognize that you are becoming angry. Remove yourself from the situation. Return to address the situation."
9. "Beat the shit out of the pillows on my bed."
10. "I try to unravel why I'm reacting with anger to the situation, but step one is figuratively biting my tongue before I say something destructive. I can get quite snappy when I'm angry, and I regret it almost as soon as the words escape me. I try to remind myself whether the target deserves it and whether I deserve the regret that inevitably follows. Also, whether what I want to say on impulse is even about what's made me angry. Then try to take a few moments to think of how to channel or express the anger productively or at least release it in a way that doesn't cause a fight. Either choosing tactful words or calling a friend over a cup of tea and having a nice rant. I used to turn my anger inwards as a child and in my teens until I learned to express it more healthily. I used to cry with anger very easily because I didn't know how else to release it."
11. "I touch various parts of my palm with my thumbs. It helps with being presently minded."
12. "Running. Going for a jog has saved my mental state more times than I can count."
13. "I eat spicy foods, or I walk. Spicy helps me to redirect the heat of anger, and walking helps disperse the energy elsewhere."
14. “'Double breathing technique.' You take one big inhale to expand your lungs to near full capacity, hold for four seconds, then take another smaller inhale and hold for four seconds. Then, I take a big exhale until my lungs are nearly empty of air, hold for four seconds, and flex my diaphragm to do a little exhale afterward. Then, I go back to regular breathing and realize how immensely it has helped. In my opinion, holding for four seconds between each interval really helps clear the mind and lower tension in the body. Hope my explanation wasn’t too shitty."
15. "Got my lifelong ADHD diagnosed and medicated, plus therapy and knowing how it affects my temper."
16. "Remember that your anger is not you, it is something being forced on you, similar to pain. You are not pain, you are feeling pain. You are not your anger, you are feeling anger. This is an outside force attempting to influence you. It is an external foe to be defeated."
17. "I kinda just let myself be angry. I’ll literally just sit there and be mad because nothing else works."
18. "I heard a psychologist once say that anger is the direct result of violated expectations. If you're expecting A and get B, you become angry."
19. "After a fight, I start doing things I like. It calms me down for some reason."
20. "I remember a few years ago, one of my best friends from high school died (we were both only 20 or so). I have the distinct memory of being really stressed out about work and other things, and then, the moment I found out she passed, none of it mattered at all. Ever since then, it's really given me more perspective on what matters in the grand scheme of things. Most things in day-to-day life don't, and therefore, it doesn't make sense to get angry about it. Appreciate the little nice things in life, and let all the other little things go."
21. "In my case, when I'm extremely angry, I can't out-reason with my thoughts and emotions. What has worked for me is: (1) separate myself from other people, (2) make myself feel the emotions at their highest level, (3) try to remember to be patient with myself if it takes a while for things to subside, (4) also try to remember not to judge the thoughts that come across my mind, (5) take deep breaths in and out, (6) listen to loud music and sing, (7) journal absolutely everything, (8) walk outside, (9) if I can manage, ask myself what the underlying emotions are that caused the anger, (10) talk to others once I've composed myself enough, (11) do something good for someone else. If I talk to other people, I make sure that they aren't going through a rough time of their own and that they will not encourage the anger/add fuel to the fire (people who thrive off drama to satisfy their own turbulence)."
22. "Try reminding myself constantly that my own feelings of inadequacy make me irritable and that anything someone else does is usually a reflection of their own personal struggles and really has nothing to do with me. Realizing we’re all doing the best we can, some struggling more than others for reasons within or without their control. Everyone has problems, and everyone’s journey is different. I guess you could say looking at everyone as if they’re struggling with some part of their lives and adding anger to the equation only casts a dark shadow on everyone around."
Are there unique ways you try to manage or calm your anger? If so, tell us what they are in the comments below.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.