5 Adult Things I Half Ass That Prove I Am Too Young For This Shit

Pay no attention to the adult behind the curtain.

1. Laundry

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While I am a champ at creating piles of dirty clothes on my bedroom floor, motivating myself to actually put those piles into the washing machine is a Herculean task. And then I have to remember to move that pile into the dryer, and considering there's a flight of stairs between me and said dryer, I'm much more apt to let that pile of dirty clothing congeal on the side of the washer.

The truly daunting task comes after the clothes have been washed and, eventually, dried: folding and putting away the clean items. I have lost track of how long some of my clean clothes have laid in stasis in my laundry basket after I took them out of the dryer. Days, weeks, months, maybe a year. Not to mention how much I procrastinate making my bed once I've washed my sheets. I once washed a set of sheets and then slept on the god damn couch for over a week because I couldn't get myself to take five minutes out of the day and do what needed to be done.

2. Cooking

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I see you eyeing your screen, wondering to yourself how this 26-year-old woman has survived while never having made anything that requires more effort than tossing random canned vegetables into a crockpot and waiting several hours. Fast food, bitch. That's how. I let other people do the cooking for me, even if that means my meal probably sat under a heat lamp for a good portion of the day.

My definition of cooking is heating a microwavable meal for one minute increments until it explodes. And if that's not your definition, too, then you're either a fully functioning adult or eat more McDonald's than I do. Godspeed, latter group. Godspeed.

3. Waking Up

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Who doesn't love to set multiple alarms and hit the snooze button about 17 times before finally getting out of bed about ten minutes after you needed to leave the house to get to work on time?

Don't ever believe me when I say "I'll do that in the morning." Because I most definitely will not have time for anything other than potentially grabbing two mismatched socks and darting out the door. There are so many things left undone from promising myself that I'll rise with the sun and complete my paper or prepare a lunch or exercise. RIP everything and anything I commit to doing before 9 AM.

4. Dating

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I can't date to save my life. In fact, I've anxiously avoided dating for so long that I've accidentally been celibate for years. When you say you're "single af" I have got you beat.

Am I a hopeless romantic? Yeah. Do I want to go on dates and kiss cute people and find that someone? Yeah. Am I going to admire my crush from afar and never instigate anything while simultaneously dodging every dating app and website created? You bet your sweet ass I am.

By the way, would your sweet ass like to go out some time?

5. Exercising

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You mean death?