Queer romance isn't quite normalized the same way heterosexual love is yet. Could this be why gay men and women falling in love with a straight person is kind of a common phenomenon?
Falling for a hetero is kind of a queer rite of passage. That's why we asked queer folks of the BuzzFeed Community what their experiences were with falling for someone straight. Here are some of their stories:
1. "I moved to Australia just to be with my three-year-long straight crush to university. He was my first love. I did everything to make sure he never felt any inconvenience with me. The worst happened when I was outed to him by another roommate after I rejected their advances. I never saw him again until I received his wedding invitation and found out he actually knew that I liked him. He just used me. Falling for him destroyed my confidence and my own ability to love, but maybe that was the easiest way to move on."
2. "I had just started 10th grade in a new high school full of strangers. The girl with the locker next to mine had purple streaks in her hair. I thought she seemed cool, and we became friends. I didn’t know I was gay yet. We were the type of friends who were always hugging, holding hands, and playing with each other's hair. One night, during a drunken sleepover, we kissed. After that, it would happen every time she drank. I never felt that way kissing boys, and I realized that I was in love with her. I did come out to her eventually. It was years later because I was worried she'd think back on our innocent sleepovers and sweet kisses and get weird about it. She’s still dating the same boy from high school, and our friendship was never the same. It hurt at the time, but I’m glad it happened. My best friend helped me discover a part of myself that I tried so hard to bury, and I live such a full life now because of her."
3. "We were assigned to the same host family on a mission trip in high school and became best friends. He made me laugh and smile harder than anyone else. He was the hottest guy I'd ever met. One night after we got back, he drunk-FaceTimed me. He said he was questioning his sexuality and wanted to experiment with me. I decided to not bring it up unless he said something. He never mentioned it again. I keep going out with guys that look like him, so I definitely don't think I'm over it yet."
4. "In seventh grade, my close friend came over to my house one day to hang out. One thing led to another, and we ended up making out...a lot. I stuck pretty close to her after that, but she kept pushing me away. She recently came out as trans, but he previously denied being into girls and that anything happened between us. I think he was just as terrified as I was."
"I was falling super hard, which scared the shit out of me because I couldn't be gay...right? It hurt going through my whole sexual awakening alone.
I am now proud to be pansexual, and I've learned that you can't control other people's feelings or actions, only your own. And sometimes that hurts. A lot." —Anonymous, Washington, 17
5. "We met on a hookup site six years ago. He’s straight, I’m gay. We had such a good time that we saw each other every night for two weeks straight after that initial hook-up. Then, he ghosted me for months. That became a pattern: he'd disappear, reach out, we'd hook up, and he'd ghost again. This went on for years until I realized it needed to stop."
6. "After I started questioning my sexuality, I realized that I had a huge crush on one of my best friends. She was probably the one person in my life that I told almost everything. We texted almost constantly all day and, sometimes, pretty late into the night. She had just started dating a guy, and that made me insanely jealous. Eventually, her semester at college ended, and she came back home for the summer. I had built up this whole rom-com-level scenario in my head that I would tell her how I feel, she'd have some massive realization that she loved me, and we'd end up together. I didn't end up doing that. It was so good just to see her in person, laugh, and hang out together that I realized that I didn’t need to be dating her to be happy. I forced myself to stop daydreaming about her and threw myself into dating other queer women. We’re still close friends, and I’m really glad I didn’t make it awkward."
7. "I harbored a secret crush on my high school friend. He never knew, and I mostly pined away in secret. We drifted apart but reconnected our first year of university and lived together in a two-bedroom apartment. One rainy day, out of nowhere, he asks if I had had a crush on him. 'Yeah,' I admitted, 'back in high school. But after seeing your dishwashing routine, I'm pretty much over it.' He looked very thoughtful for a moment, then asked me, 'Would it be weird if we made out a bit? I've always wondered how it would be to kiss a guy...and college is for experimenting.' Suffice to say, a lot more than kissing happened that night. Afterward, he confessed that while it was okay, he didn't think he was bisexual. We continued to be friends and, honestly, it was nice to never have to live with the 'what if' thoughts."
"A part of me thought it would be a terrible idea for our new friendship...but another part thought about how I dreamed of it before. I went for it. Cool guy. Went to his wedding to a wonderful girl a month before the pandemic hit." —Anonymous, Dallas, 31
8. "I identified as a bisexual cis woman and was married to a man at the time. I developed a massive crush on my boss, who was also a cis woman and married to a man. We always had a flirtatious relationship. I fantasized about her all the time, often in the middle of meetings. About a year after we no longer worked together, we went out for drinks. She brought up a specific moment in an elevator a few years earlier where she thought I was going to kiss her. I knew the exact moment she was talking about. I told her I did want to kiss her then, but because she was my boss, married, and straight, I held back. We hooked up that night. That was two years ago and there have been ups, downs, and messy divorces mixed in there, but we are still together, and she is the love of my life."
9. "I fell for my best friend and kept it to myself for four years until we left school at 16. He was the first person I ever came out to. I expected him to hate me. Instead, he told me, 'I'm not gay, but I still love you as one of my best friends.' Since then, we've stuck together through thick and thin. We share our troubles, say we love each other as much as we can, and he’s still comfortable to share a bed with me and spoon together, as long as we never do anything more. The bottom line is that he will never be with me. Our friendship is the most beautiful thing in the world and also the most painful."
"He’s had many girlfriends, and I always try my best to be supportive. He's aware I still have strong feelings for him to this day. Still being in love with him is the main reason I’ve never been in a relationship. Loving someone the majority of your life without ever being able to be with them is hell on earth." —Anonymous, United Kingdom, 27
10. "We met in our college freshman year. We hung out almost every day and she’d joke about us dating so much that my roommate asked me outright if we actually were. Even when I left school to move back home, we kept our strong bond. The years went by; whenever she broke up with whatever boy she was dating, she’d send me lots of nudes. My friends felt like she was just jerking me around for validation. But when I was brave enough to ask her to be my date to my best friend’s wedding that I was a groomsman in, she accepted. A couple months later, she told me she had a new boyfriend and would still come to the wedding, but was struggling to book her flight because of ‘issues with a new credit card.’ She said she’d let me know once she straightened it out. A couple weeks go by — nothing from her. I sent her a text asking what was up. She left me on read for weeks and that was the final straw. I deleted her from social media and purged her texts, pictures, and phone number."
11. "I fell in love very deeply with my high school best friend, and I didn’t even notice it until after we graduated and she moved hours away to study at another university. She knew I was pansexual/bisexual, but I don’t know if she ever suspected anything; I was always terrified that telling her would ruin the close bond we had. We drifted apart over the years, but recently we met up when she was in the area to talk and get breakfast. I’d been psyching myself up to tell her everything to get that last bit of closure, only for her to suddenly drop the ball and say how happy she was with her newest boyfriend. Amazingly, it didn’t hurt at all to hear her gush about him. I knew then that I’d already had my closure. Bringing up those past feelings would have only made things awkward and possibly create drama."
12. "When I moved home after college, I became really close to a friend still living there. It was a small town and there wasn't much to do, so I spent all my time with her. I was there for her when she was recovering from a surgery. Her shitty boyfriend couldn't be bothered to come support her and I had the time and desire to be there for her. We drifted apart when I went back to grad school and she got back together with her boyfriend (again). Our experience got me through a rough patch in my life and now, I am more open and aware of how I feel about other people."
"We were spending so much of our free time together. We'd play video games together, work out at the gym together, and go out of our way to dress up to do something special together. I was sleeping over in her bed and just cuddling like three nights a week.
I had no idea what was going on because young, queer, repressed me had never gotten the chance to experience this kind of thing before. I think she was a little lonely and my anxiety disorder was really bad at that point. We talk sometimes, but there's distance — physical and emotional. We were really cute together, but I think we just filled each other's needs.” —Anonymous, California, 29
13. "I fell in love with my straight housemate while we were living together. We were such good friends so I felt like I was betraying this friendship with my feelings. I did eventually tell her when I had moved out and had mostly got over it. Being honest with her actually helped me move on because it stopped my brain constantly overthinking about her and 'what could be.'"
"It actually went pretty well. The initial sting of rejection only lasted for about 30 seconds. Once we had talked things through a bit, it was all good. It felt like a weight was lifted off me because I didn't feel like I was pretending to be a good friend or anything anymore." —Anonymous, United Kingdom, 24
14. "Growing up closeted in a tiny, hyper-conservative, Christian community has never been easy, to say the least. I'm a bisexual, aromantic, gender-fluid woman. I don't fall in love. I form very strong queer-platonic bonds with people. But there is this one girl: She doesn't know I'm queer, and she most certainly doesn't know I'm into her. Sometimes that straight friend just is not going to be into you. But as an aro(mantic) person, I can tell you: other relationships are just as rewarding. Don't give up on a relationship just because romance is off the table."
15. "In 2001, a mutual friend introduced me to 'Aversa.' I was very much an awkward teen grappling with my sexuality back then. His good looks, deep voice, and confidence instantly attracted me. One fateful night, I confessed my romantic love for him. He appreciated the confession but couldn't return the feelings. Fast-forward two decades later, I'm now an out and proud man who enjoys his career and bachelorhood. I reunited with 'Aversa' during the summer and we caught up. Everything that came out of his mouth sounded immature, with a heavy dose of ego. I never noticed his entitled narcissistic qualities before that. He'll still be the love that was not meant to be, but I am thankful that I forged my path for better things.”
"He left his studio job very early in his career to focus on his script that hasn't gone anywhere. He refuses to listen to any advice because he feels like everyone else doesn't understand his genius. The mutual friends we have cut off contact with him a long time ago. He hangs out with unsavory folks and still chases 18-year-olds! Even his own family keeps him at arms length.” —Anonymous, Ontario, 38
16. "I was in love with an older woman while I was in the Navy. I'd go out of my way to spend five minutes alone with her every day. She made me smile and feel safe. She's in a different state now and married to a man. I learned to find peace within myself, but she'll always hold a special place in my heart."
"I never had the chance to say how much she meant to me. She's in a different state now, married to a man. It broke my heart. Now I'm back home in Texas, putting my life back together." —Anonymous, Texas, 40
17. "I was in love with one of my good straight friends for most of high school. He had a girlfriend, but acted pretty flamboyant and got along with me really well. Our friendship, to me, became intimate. I was driving him home every night, our hugs became tighter, we’d rest our heads in each others’ laps often, and even cuddled together on a few occasions. We drifted apart after I went to college and I’m glad. I realized I was chasing after something that he just wasn’t going to give me. The lack of romantic reciprocation in that friendship made that one of my top priorities I look for in a relationship now."
“I felt uncomfortable about trying to push things further because I'm a year older and he had a girlfriend. To this day, I have never told him about my feelings and I’m okay with that. I am very lucky to be dating my wonderful boyfriend for over a year now. I do not think I would be the same person or partner without the incredible amounts of work that I did to get over and move past my straight high school crush." —Anonymous, California, 21
18. "A couple years ago, I fell in love with a straight coworker. She was smart, pretty, and funny with the most flirtatious personality. She made me feel seen and I fell for her instantly. I was bold and asked her out — she said yes! We had a whirlwind romance, so I was shocked when she broke up with me. She said I wasn't the type of person she could fall in love with. Meaning, a woman. She taught me that I deserve someone who is certain in how they feel about me and to never again mistake uncertainty about where I stand for love."
19. "I was in love with my best friend from high school. I came out to him shortly after I graduated. He was very supportive, which was a huge relief. But then he confessed he wanted to try having sex with another man, even though he considered himself straight. I couldn’t resist the temptation, but I wish I had. It was super awkward during. Things became generally awkward between us from then on, until we drifted apart not too long after."
20. "I was working at a huge corporate office and he was on a rotational program right out of university that had him in a different office every six months. I mentored him, we worked on a lot of projects together, and we became friends. He was handsome and he flirted back. He moved on to a new city, so when an opportunity came to visit him, I went. I needed to see if there was ever a chance to be with him. I fell more in love with him over that trip, but nothing happened. It’s been 15 years and I'm now happily married and in love with my soulmate, but I still think about him."
21. "I was deep in the closet at an all-girls high school, but ended up telling a few close friends. When prom was coming up and most of my friends and I didn't have dates, I asked one friend if she wanted to go together. She said she didn't do friend dates. I said that's not what I meant and she said, 'I know.' After that, she refused to be in the same room as me and made things very tense for our whole friend group. Everyone blamed me. Turned out later that she was gay and too afraid to come out. I still think about how we could still be friends if I never said anything and how I wouldn't have lost my other friends because of it."
—Anonymous, Pennsylvania, 25
22. "I clearly remember the day he transferred to my high school. He was wearing a blue button down, khaki cargo shorts, and Birkenstocks with socks. I thought he was so fucking hot. We became best friends and I never came onto him. He disappeared after high school but a couple years ago, he came back to our old high school as a teacher. I work there too as a substitute teacher. Whenever he pops up on my social media, I'm praying it's not a pregnancy announcement. I want him. I doubt I'll ever be able to get over him until I'm with someone else."
23. "I almost always fall for my straight coworkers at every job I've worked at, but I fell hard for my (now former) coworker. He was pretty much everything I wanted in a man: smart, adorkable, sexy as hell, and he was a former Naval officer. The worst thing about him was that he did not like me, or that I was gay, at all. I was in limbo, lusting after someone who did what he could to either get me fired or quit."
"He was ultimately fired. Not because of his antics toward me, but because he was calling out of work way too many times." —kevinsteele2013
24. "We were so close that we were practically sisters. I was struggling with my sexuality, but I knew I wasn't straight. She was the first person I told I was queer and she was so cool about it…almost too cool. The way she reacted made me wonder if she felt the same. We had this playful flirting thing, held hands in the dark, and bonded over love songs. I was so sure she liked me until I found out she’d been dating a guy off-and-on for a year and never told me. I realized that she just liked leading people on and playing with feeling because that’s what she did to the boyfriend too, so I cut her off."
"When she started making homophobic comments and picking on me, I knew it was best to stop talking to her. It still hurts and I still miss her." —aboredperson
25. "My biggest straight-crush was a waitress at a restaurant I cheffed at. She was a few years older, but we hung out at bars after work and it turned into more of a friendship. I was in a difficult relationship at the time, so often went to her place. One evening, she asked me to stay but said nothing could happen because she 'wasn’t into girls.' It was a tense night. Some light, unintentional touches convinced me to leave my current partner. After a few days, straight girl invited me to stay again and I decided to take a chance. What followed was six months of crazy passion, fucking in the staff room, and hiding our time together...until she met a man. I'll always wonder if I was an experiment or a true love she never wanted to accept."
26. "I've had a lot of 'straight except for you' situations. One of them messaged me one random night after years of no communication. I asked her why she was reaching out now, she said she didn't know, and then blocked me. I later found out that was the night before she got married to a man."
"I'm out and proud living my best life though, so meh!" —e4ada6546c
27. "I fell in love with a teammate. We were good friends for a year before I realized how much chemistry we had. I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to distance myself from her, but in the end I couldn't and decided to just hold my feelings in and ignore them. One night after we had been drinking, she just straight-up asked, 'Why aren't we hooking up?' Five years of dating and a cross-country move later, we are now engaged."
28. "She cut in line in front of me for coffee while stroking my arm, refilled my drink with extra vodka when I was out of the room, and asked me to sleep over in her dorm all the time. She was my first crush that I accepted as me being queer, rather than me just being 'weird.' But she wasn’t into women."
"My head got twisted when we spent time together." —yoursisterdebra
29. "A couple months after I started my old job, I fell in love with a brand-new coworker. We had hit it off right away. I’m out and proud, so he knew I liked men. We FaceTimed every night, I slept over all the time, we cuddled, held hands, and even said we loved each other. Four months into our friendship, he got a girlfriend and we fell off a bit. Three months later, he ghosted me. I’ve never fallen so hard for someone and I’m picking up the pieces now."
30. "I fell for one of my best friends in middle school. I wasn't out yet, or at least not actively trying to date anyone, so my queerness was hardly an interesting point in my life at the time. Except with her. She was my favorite person to be around, and one day coming back from a long trip for school she fell asleep on my shoulder. I didn't move an inch for two hours. That was when I realized I was smitten. She transferred to another high school our sophomore year for academic reasons and stayed in contact with me and our friends. I shied away because I felt like not admitting my feelings was clearly the way to go. She was the first girl I fell in love with, and every day I regret the way our friendship ended."
"We were great friends at first, so by the time I developed feelings, we were too intertwined for me to pull away. I was too intimidated to admit my feelings." —e_a0025
31. "This has happened to me multiple times. What they all had in common was that they were friends dealing with a breakup. The deepest one I fell for was an old roommate. We became a lot closer as I began to fill that empty space his breakup left. There where a few situations that I held onto, like the time he said a very romantic song reminded him of me — 'minus the sex stuff,' he said. There was a couple of situations where he tried to get closer, but I pushed back because we were in public settings and I regret it to this day."
32. "I fell in love with my best friend while we were performing in our high school’s musical. I figured there was no way that she was also interested, but told her anyway since we shared everything together. She took it really well and told me that while she didn’t reciprocate, she still loved me as a friend. I was crushed, but glad to still have her in my life. I assumed that life would just go on as normal after that. But when we went to parties, she'd try to kiss me in front of other people. When I said that I didn’t want to, she'd just laugh it off and claim she was so drunk and didn’t know what she was doing. It was obvious that she was trying to kiss me in an attempt to impress or turn on the guys that were there. If someone treats your sexuality as purely decorative or uses it for their own personal gain, you deserve better."
