It feels like more and more of the couples who I was rooting for in my own life are parting ways as I venture further into my 30s. So, I was very interested when u/lastknownstar asked experienced daters, "What common mistakes do people make when choosing a life partner?"
And while most answers were born out of heartbreak, it was refreshing to read about these folks' approach to dating after not getting it "right" their first time:
1. "Moving in with each other after only knowing each other a few weeks, a few months, or even a year, is a huge misstep. Even more so if you're getting married at that time."
2. "So many of us make the mistake of choosing someone we think we should be with instead of someone we're actually compatible with. I feel a lot of people have a picture in their head of who they think they'll end up with and chase that ideal instead of acknowledging their own personality and aiming for someone compatible with that."
"I understand it's easier said than done, but finding a compatible partner takes work."
3. "Willingly having children with someone before really getting to know the person can be a huge mistake. It’s important to know who your children are going to be exposed to — many people are on their best behavior early on. And in a short period of time, you likely haven’t seen how they handle a difficult situation."
4. "Giving up too much of yourself to accommodate someone else."
5. "It's a common and huge mistake to go into a relationship with a mindset of, 'I know this person has flaws, but when we're married, I can help fix them.'"
6. "Another common oversight is not discussing big life issues: your preference for having kids, parenting styles, deep religious beliefs, career aspirations, significant trauma, and anything else that may affect how you make decisions together later on."
7. "Not discussing goals and boundaries, or waiting beyond the honeymoon phase to do so."
8. "They fall for the sunk cost fallacy and assume that because they've been together X months or years or whatever, they must be life partners, or that things must move on to the next 'stage.' Just because you've given someone five years doesn't mean you owe them another 50."
9. "Sleep and temperature preferences. These may sound like little things, and that's because you're underestimating them. Sleep is so damn important, and I have seen too many couples break up over thermostat fights."
10. "Paying too much attention to bonding over shared interests and not enough attention to discussing different values. One doesn’t matter much at all; the other is the thing that matters most of all."
11. "Don't fall in love with being in love. My ex-wife and I realized years after our divorce that we pretty much liked each other and stayed together only because we gave each other the attention we were craving."
12. "Thinking physical attraction is enough. It's a huge mistake to focus only on their appearance and not their soul."
"When I met my wife, she was hotter than a five-dollar pistol on Saturday night (32 years later, she still is). But what grabbed me was that she and I saw eye-to-eye on everything that mattered: sense of humor, priorities, and values.
Mind you there were differences. But with her, every conversation was, well, effortless. Still is today."
13. "Not addressing your attitudes toward money! Most couples have a saver and a spender — get ahead of this early. Be on the same page, goals, habits, and debts."
14. "Getting married because all your friends are doing it, or because it would make your parents happy."
"Could not imagine! A lot of people my age are starting to get married, and I really feel like too many of them are doing so more for the attention and parties than wanting to commit to the person they are with."
15. "People sticking with a type, overlooking some otherwise amazing people instead. When I was single, I had this attraction to artistic, neurotic types — fragile psyches and all. I couldn't understand why my relationships always went sideways. My future wife? Absolutely nothing like that. The exact opposite, in fact."
16. "Find someone who wants to be committed to a relationship rather than just be in a committed relationship. Makes a hell of a difference. If you can't hold each other accountable, you're going to have problems."
17. "Everybody's got differences in opinion, a host of red flags, personal issues, etc. The biggest mistake is ignoring these things and not having a frank discussion about how to talk about them going forward."
18. "You marry their family, too. I've seen too many people overlook that, and it can be hard if their family isn't similar to your family dynamics or requirements. Holidays especially."
19. And finally: "Being misled that there are any rules about finding 'your person.' Many people would say you won’t meet 'Prince Charming' throwing up in the club at 2 a.m. or that an internet date isn’t real love or that you can’t love someone because of some other checklist item. If you feel a connection, shoot your shot, try to get to know each other, and see where it goes."
