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DeVOS DESTROYS TACO TUESDAY

"How can I enjoy Taco Tuesday when I'm sick to my stomach?"

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TUCSON, AZ -- Just hours into her confirmation as education secretary and Republican/bad tipper if her Diet Coke is half-empty Betsy DeVos is already derailing students.

Basil Wright, a rising junior at the University of Arizona, says she usually swings by Los Betos for tacos after Piloxing, but the DeVos development has, “changed all that.”

“There are few things as pure as slow-roasted chicken wrapped in fire-kissed corn tortillas sprinkled with cotija cheese, but how can I enjoy Taco Tuesday when I’m sick to my stomach?” Wright asked.

Despite 24 hours of protest by Senate Democrats, DeVos was confirmed 51-50 when Vice President Pence cast a tie-breaking vote. The historical move has many concerned for the future.

“I can’t eat which means I can’t sleep which means I can’t focus on my World Biogeography final,” Wright sighed before adding, “I’m not some billionaire heiress who can buy a job with her daddy's money. I need to actually know shit.”

Determined to “go high,” Wright managed to memorize the physical processes of soil formation, and by midnight was surprised to feel her stomach grumbling.

“Taco Tuesday is over, but I know a great all-night shawarma place.”

When Wright reached Mediterranean Grill, it was closed. A sign on the door read, “Muslim Ban = Unfal-lafel.”

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