5 Things You Must Do Before Ordering Pizza Anywhere In America

These days it's tough to eat out at Italian Restaurants. You never know if your money is going towards supporting child sex slavery. Luckily, this handy guide will help you weed out evil pizza parlors like Comet Ping Pong that cater to the evil pedophile elite. With these 5 easy steps you can be happy knowing that your dollar is going to a friendly Italian pizzaman. (Make sure he's Italian)

1. Call Your Congressman

I know what you're thinking, "Government has no place in my schools, bedroom, or pizza." But pizza is one place where advice from your congressman is crucial. It's very simple: If your Congressman recommends any pizza restaurant to you DO NOT GO THERE! The government is completely complicit in the pizza-pedophilia empire and Congressmen are invested financially in any shop that supports it.

2. Ask Your Server If You Can Inspect the Back Room

Be polite, but firm.

3. Force Your Way Into the Back Room

If the server will not allow you into the back then that means this establishment has something they are trying to hide. This isn't about pizza anymore, it's about saving lives. If you don't know how to break down a door I will give you a quick tutorial. Firstly, get a large running start, then jump and plant both of your feet squarely into the middle of the door. If that didn't work repeat until that door is dust. Remember there are scared CHILDREN on the other side. PROTIP: Yelling "FALCON KICK" as your feet connect will increase the power by 75%.

4. DO NOT TIP YOUR SERVER

Even if your investigation of the back room did not yield any results it is very important that you do not tip your server. Servers are also part of the pizza-pedophilia empire and any money you give them goes directly towards expanding the operation and enslaving more children.