What It's Like To Love Someone Who Cuts

*Self-harm trigger warning* Learning to understand others' mental illness by experiencing my own.

Long story short it sucks and it will follow you for quite some time.

Long story long keep reading.

It started when I was 17 years old and my best friend was dealing with severe anxiety and depression. I didn't know the extent of it until one night when she asked if we could meet up because she had something she wanted to talk about with me. I was unfortunate enough to have a crush on her, so my mind immediately went to thinking she felt the same way. I was nervous, of course, I had never really asked anybody out or talked about my feelings with someone before. She met me outside of work and showed me her arms. I could see she had cuts and scars up and down them. I was speechless. I had never actually known anybody who self-harmed before, let alone seen someone's scars. All I could do was hug her. I had no words and no understanding of what she had been through, what she was going through, and what she would go through. I could only support my friend with love. We stood there in the back parking lot of my work just hugging for a long time. Later that night I gave her a ride to her friend's house. I asked her about her self-harm, and she told me. I was overwhelmed. I had thought all day "maybe she likes me too" and feeling so excited and here I found out my friend was suffering. Eventually I did bring up what I had thought she was going to tell me. I was finally able to work up the courage to open up and tell her how I felt. She had to be brave enough to open up to me about her self harm, I needed to be honest with her. To my surprise she felt the same way. From that point on we were inseparable. We were both in our first relationship. We didn't know what we were doing, blinded by the fact we were both falling in love for the first time.

I would see new cuts appear every once in a while on her wrists and legs. Again, I didn't understand it. It would make me sad to see her hurting herself. It hurt me to know she was hurting. I felt worthless because I couldn't keep her from doing it. After a few months it became more than I could take. I did not really know anything about mental health, depression and anxiety. I didn't know how to deal with what I was feeling. I even considered taking my own life during this time. Eventually I spoke with my mother about seeing a therapist. The therapist was completely unhelpful, she didn't try to get me to open up and at the end of the hour she told me I didn't need to come back.

Meanwhile all of this was taking a toll on our relationship. She told me she was constantly afraid that I would break up with her over her self-harm. I continued to reassure her that wouldn't happen. I told her I would love and support her no matter what, and I would remind her that I knew about her self-harm from the beginning. While on the inside it was killing me. I would be up all night trying to make sure she was ok and that I could be there for her to talk to. Eventually enough stress was put on our relationship between her depression and my inability to understand. She ended it. We wouldn't speak for another year, shortly after that we stopped speaking again, and wouldn't have any contact for years after that.

5 years later: I was going through a rough time. My engagement had ended, I couldn't get the motivation to do anything, I hated myself. Every day was a struggle. I was seeing a therapist and on medication for depression. One thing would keep coming to my mind, self-harm. One night home alone I had a bad night. I couldn't deal with the emotional pain I was feeling so I took one of my pocket knives and went into the bathroom and carved up my wrist. As soon as I was done I went back to my computer and researched self-harm. I understood why it made me feel the way it did. I didn't know what to do, so I texted my best friend telling her I needed to talk. I went down to her apartment and showed her my cuts. She hugged me and supported me. I would continue to cut for a few months after that, during which time I slowly told my friends. Two reactions stand out. The first, was my friend (and years later present roommate) and he just hugged me and gave me the reaction I was looking for, the same thing I had done five years prior for someone else. The second, was another friend (and former roommate) I showed him and he freaked out. He didn't know how to handle it. His solution was to tell me that if I didn't stop he would tell our friends. I completely shut down. I kept cutting and just didn't tell him. Another lonely night I was battling the urge to cut and broke down and lost to my urges. In my instant regret, self disdain, and shame I thought back to my old girlfriend. I could finally see where she was coming from. How she must have felt separated from all the people around her no matter how much love and support I could have given her. I tried to reach out to her and told her I was sorry that I never understood her mental illness or her self-harm. I never got a response. Eventually, through therapy and support I was able to get my urges under control and was able to manage my feelings.

8 years later: Unfortunately for me, it is a constant struggle. Two months ago I relapsed with my self harm. I was spiraling, I didn't know what to do, my head was racing, and I lost control. I got out my trusty knife and made three small cuts along my wrist. My friend was just one room over. I could have easily asked for help, but I didn't want it. I knew what I was determined to do. I wasn't ready to stop myself. The following morning I freaked out. It had been over two years since I had cut. I went to work and immediately threw up due to my own anxiety and was sent home. Instead of going home to what would have been an empty apartment, I ran away to my friends' house. I knew I wasn't safe. I eventually had to commit myself to an outpatient program at the local psychiatric hospital. I went in with the intention of getting better and returning to my life. By the time my two weeks of partial hospitalization were up I had come to the sobering realization I needed to leave my job and change my life. It was causing me to unhinge mentally, and I knew I would not survive going back. I went in with my head held high, and told them I needed to quit, and that I would not be returning to shift, because I would not survive it.

I have now been self-harm free for two months and counting.

Life happens, it changes and we need to roll with the punches the best we can, and when we get knocked down, we get up and continue on, because we need to go out there and live the best life that we can. There are always people you can turn to. 1 [phone] is the national suicide prevention hotline. [phone] is the S. A. F. E. Alternatives line. There are internet chat options as well as a number of online resources. Find someone, I promise you it isn't worth it.

Now it is nearly 8 years since that initial conversation that started all of this. I recently reached out to her because I always felt bad for how things had ended between us. Enough time had passed that we both could look back at ourselves and apologize for how we were. Now we're on good terms. No anxiety over the idea of running into her when I'm visiting friends back home. I have true closure on a part of my life that I carried with me for so long, and I find it gives me peace.

Patrick David Constantine Hayes