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21 "Overheard" Tweets That Are Never Not Funny

"I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, 'Well, unfortunately, you’re human.' I don’t know the whole story, but SAME."

1.

Today I overheard someone say, "P as in pneumonia"

2.

Overheard conversation: 8 year old: “I’ve been a flower girl at 6 weddings.” Friends: “What’s your secret?” 8YO: “I beg until they say yes.” You’re on the right track to sales, kid.

3.

Dad joke overheard @ bar: Dad 1: Do you have any holes in your socks? Dad 2: *gasp* of course not! Dad 1: Then how the hell did you get your feet in? I lol'd

4.

Overheard @misspinkkate and the boys playing "Chopped." "Both your dishes are on the chopping block! You put poop in your food and you made a banana cream sauce out of green peppers and onions."

5.

A kid I overheard at the grocery store: “I’m gonna get my brain taken out so I can just relax” Same kid, same

6.

Overheard in the dining hall: Kid: “Can i get a wrap?” Server: “Ok lemme drop a beat” Kid: “What??”

7.

Overheard on the scanner: "The condition of the wiener dog is unknown but you can stand down."

8.

Overheard in this coffe shop: Guy: Can I get a coffee? Barista:Sure that’ll be $2 Guy: Uhh I forgot my wallet, all I have is this $5 target gift card. The barista looked him dead in the eyes&goes “Deal&I’ll give you a free refill” Officially moved to the barter system here

9.

Overheard at the Smithsonian today: "I don't get it. A mummy is just a wad a tissue paper. Whats the big deal?" The guy at the Fossil Lab stops. Looks up. Shakes head. Looks down again at the mummy he's working on.

10.

Overheard on r train: u gotta cry ugly because if u don’t there’s no passion

11.

Just overheard Darcy in her room say to her cat, “can’t believe I birthed this perfect angel”

12.

“I need to finish school and take some time off cause I just half-ass everything, I don't whole-ass anything.”

13.

Overheard in west campus tonight: “sometimes we take shots of la croix but if we’re really feeling wild we’ll shotgun them”

14.

Just overheard a college student say, “I can barely take care of me and my fish.” It’s good to know our limits. #fishrescue

15.

Overheard: Man in a 7/11 pre-empting the cashier to clarify that he, in fact, walked in with his own banana and did not retrieve banana from the $2 banana basket

16.

I’m at Target and just overheard a mom tell her toddler, “Well, unfortunately, you’re human.” I don’t know the whole story, but SAME.

17.

Overheard: A bunch of bros in Supreme gear walking through the hall of stuffed birds at the museum, "Bro do you think you could eat that egg?" "Idk man, it's probably got a massive yolk." "Aw hell yeah, massive yolk bro."

18.

Three year old 'put the dress on me so I can do the hooker dance.' Me 'oh shit, what has he overheard?!' Turns out 'hooker' and 'haka' sound the same coming from my toddler #raisingtinykiwis #narrowescape

19.

Overheard at LaGuardia “I told my grandson now that I’m 70: sex drugs and rock and roll. You know all that? I put it off 70 years and now that’s all I’m doing. Well, planning on, I haven’t started yet”

20.

Overheard at breakfast... Guy 1: “I like the musky smell of dead leaves.” Guy 2: “Everything’s dying. It’s like a Shakespeare tragedy!”

21.

I just overheard someone say "Ugh I can't wait till Monday" and honestly that just goes to show some people were just not raised right

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