We asked hairstylists of the BuzzFeed Community to share their craziest, grossest, and most hilarious client stories. Here are the insane results:
1. This guy who was caught choking the chicken.
"In beauty school, a classmate was cutting a guy's hair when she noticed him moving around under the cape and moaning with his eyes closed. I ran to get an instructor, who quickly ripped the guy's cape off. It turns out he'd been sitting there with his dick in his hand!" —Vanessa Love, Facebook
2. This stripper who was willing to risk it all for a touch-up.
"A gorgeous young woman came in one late afternoon to get her roots touched up. She was a dancer at a local strip club and had recently gotten cheap breast implants out of state. The implants were now infected, swollen, painful, and oozing puss, plus she had a fever. I begged her to let me call an ambulance, but she was determined to get those roots done and catch her flight back to the doctor that night. I still wonder if she's okay." —l4697fe8cd
3. This story about the never-ending dandruff.
"A favorite client of mine brought her son in for a haircut. He seemed to be in his late twenties or early thirties. I noticed how greasy his hair was and decided to wash it first. As I was lathering, I felt some texture through the shampoo and quickly realized that he had the thickest amount of dandruff I'd ever seen. The stuff was still coming off his scalp several washes and rinses later. I tried not to gag as more scalp came off during the haircut. When it was finally over, my entire station was covered in thick dandruff hair sludge." —Kasey Ann Hall
4. This cautionary tale about a moldy ponytail.
"My hairstylist friend had a client who had a busy career and would usually just shower and immediately put her hair into a bun or ponytail. This went on for a year or so until the client finally came in for a haircut. When my friend ran her fingers through the client's hair, she felt what turned out to be a disgusting fungus mold substance growing on her scalp. Needless to say, the client ended up getting a pixie cut." —Ellie Agler, Facebook
5. This man who was white-girl wasted.
"I'd just started at a new salon when a regular client comes in reeking of alcohol. According to my coworkers, he's always super drunk when he comes in. After my coworker takes him to her station, I check the garbage bin where he threw out a paper bag and, sure enough, there was an empty liquor bottle in it. I texted my police officer husband, who was on duty, and told him what was going on. So when the guy left, my husband and another officer pulled him over down the street and arrested him for a DUI." —heartofthesea
6. This shampoo service that required a full can of Febreze.
"A woman called asking if we could shampoo her hair, so I said, 'Of course.' Before I start, she tells me that she hasn't washed her hair in six months because of a back injury. Big yellow and brown chunks started coming out of her hair during the shampoo. I started gagging from the terrible smell and had to breathe out of my mouth to finish the service. Shortly after she was done, her father came in and paid. He then told me it's been a year since she washed her hair and that there was nothing wrong with her back, she's just lazy. After they left, customers were complaining about the smell. We used almost a full can of Febreze to get rid of it." —karinm46677b439
7. This mom who took grounding her daughter to a new level.
"I have been a hairdresser for about eight years now, and this moment still haunts me. My client was a a teenage girl with the most BEAUTIFUL thick and wavy red waist-length hair. It turns out she had been caught drinking beer with her friends, so her mother was making her cut and donate her hair as punishment. The mother stayed by my side as her daughter cried the entire time. I tried to be kind and leave it as long as I possibly could, but the mother kept making a scene about cutting it shoulder-length. I've never felt so sorry or so uncomfortable in my entire career."
8. This story about the lying client and her melting hair.
"In beauty school, a client with long black hair told my fellow classmate she wanted to lighten her hair. She swore she had never used box color, even after we stressed how important it was for us to know her entire hair history before starting. So, we begin lightening her hair and it starts to get really hot and turn bright green! It then became extremely mushy and started to break off. We immediately rinsed her and deposited dark color back into her hair to try to seal it. Long story short, she had a chemical reaction to something she had used at home. Always be honest with your hairdresser!" —j42f7c0ca5
9. This man who'd make most hairstylists reconsider their career choice.
"My grossest story is about a client who told me he only cuts his hair twice a year. I thought, Okay, whatever. But then, during his haircut, I noticed a poop stain on his pants (don't worry, I bleached my chair after) and some green/white gunk covering the back of his ears. And as I was trimming his beard, chunks of food and beard hairs flew everywhere! I don't even know how I kept a straight face." —breemartell12
10. This one client who didn't make it to the bathroom in time.
"This woman had dropped her older mother off at our beauty school for an appointment. During her shampoo, the client kept moaning like she was in pain, but reassured me that everything was fine. Later when I was curling her hair, she said she had to use the restroom, so we start walking to the back. Halfway there, she says, 'It's running down my leg.' In the bathroom, she pulls her pants down and has poop everywhere. I went and got a teacher and they came and changed her. It was one of the worst experiences ever for everyone involved."
—Kayla Covey, Facebook
11. These creepy AF dudes who should be banned from all salons everywhere.
"I've had some creepy encounters in my two and a half years behind the chair. I've been asked by two brothers to have a threesome. I've been asked to go to a hotel room with another guy client. And I've been asked out by a 80-year-old man. (I'm 21.) One fortysomething-year-old guy even invited me to cut his hair in his basement, and old me not to worry because 'he lives with his mom.' I don't know how to respond because I have to be professional even when they are being horribly rude. It always leaves me a little shaken after." —rachellfant
12. This client with the inflamed pus-filled swelling.
"I used to have this client who had a 2-inch boil on his head. It was disgusting. He came in once every two weeks for months and my boss would always make me wash the client's hair because his boil grossed him out too much — not just the size of it, but the fact that the client always felt the need to talk about it. Thank god I finally quit my job."
13. This couple who definitely do NOT understand how hair works.
"I had an older woman with a botched color job come in with her husband. I tried advising her against going from a dark brown to a high-maintenance platinum blonde, but both she and her husband insisted, so I eventually agreed. But when her dark roots started showing, she and her husband threatened to sue me for 'making her hair grow faster so that she would have to get her roots done more often.' After five weeks of threatening phone calls, I told them that if they'd rather spend money on a lawyer than on maintaining the hair color they had requested, that was their choice. That's the last I heard from them." —Kiraa Molloy, Facebook
14. This story about the phantom flat iron.
"When I was still in school, a woman came in for a wash, blow-dry, and flat-iron. I'd already straightened about half of her hair and was about to start the section around her ear. I was placing the flat iron on my cart for a second, when all of a sudden she screams and jerks forward. The woman then starts yelling at me about how I just burned her ear on purpose and that she wants her money back. Meanwhile, I'm just standing there looking at the flat iron that's still on my cart..."
—Heather Dingman, Facebook
15. This woman who really just needed to invest in a hairbrush.
"I had a client whose hair tangled so much that I had to spend two hours detangling it with a Wet Brush. She apparently never brushed or combed her hair because it tangled so easily. I then spent the next 20 minutes trying to convince this lady to invest $8 in a Wet Brush because she definitely needed one. I'm so happy she never came back." —tiedye98
16. This ridiculously anal husband who should have just cut his wife's hair himself.
"I was cutting a woman's hair in beauty school when her husband walked in, stood right next to me, and whipped out a ruler to make sure I was cutting exactly the right amount. He kept measuring every piece as I cut and instructed which sections to cut or texturize and which to leave. Hardest haircut ever." —Liz McCort, Facebook
17. This grandma who apparently solves her problems by peeing on stuff.
"We had a regular client who came in with her grandson to get his hair done. The kid had lice, though, so we had to refuse the service. The grandma was so mad that she peed in our trash cans!" —hayleyz4462358ce
18. This tick that tried to pass as an earring.
"Worst thing I ever experienced was when I was shampooing a client. I thought she had a cartilage stud earring in, so I was careful not to hit it. Then, I noticed that the 'stud' had legs... There was a freaking TICK on this woman's ear! I finished the wash as calmly as possible and led her to her stylist's chair, where the stylist casually pulled off the tick with a towel. I felt like bugs were crawling on me for the rest of the day." —Breton Stailey, Facebook
19. This guy who basically just started freaking the fuck out.
"I had a client who brought in her longtime boyfriend. Before she left, she told me to call her if he got out of hand. So, in the middle of the appointment, he started acting REALLY weird, like trying to pull off the salon wallpaper and asking me to read something on his phone, which wasn't even on. At one point, he mumbled something then grabbed my arm, so I figured something was REALLY wrong. Our receptionist called his girlfriend, but she didn't answer her phone! We ended up having to call the police, who took care of everything. It was the most frightening moment of my career."
20. And this person who got kinky with a comb.
"So I'm not a hairstylist, but a woman with lots of hair came in during my appointment to get her hair dyed. When her stylist left her station to get something, the woman took the comb that was left in her hair and stuck it up her butt. She kept taking the comb out and putting it back in again even when the stylist returned. She kicked the woman out and disinfected the comb, but I was so disgusted that I chose not to go to that salon ever again." —cheesefries21
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Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.