Where it began
My name is Fiona I’m nearly 20 and (as the title reads) I have dropped out of college twice, can’t hold a job and am struggling to understand why I want to continue living.
Currently, I struggle with severe anxiety and depression mixed with a good helping of suicidal thoughts for good measure. I am unemployed, cant see a future for myself and am struggling.
Since I was 12 I struggled with depression. Over the years it became more severe and I also developed extreme anxiety around the age of 14. All this lead to me dropping out of high school after achieving a respectable 3 higher qualifications.
After a year of miserably trying to combat depression and anxiety, I tried college. This was a complete failure. I had gotten past the interview and the induction but when it came to the first real day I couldn’t bring myself to move. In fact, I barely could even open my eyes, completely paralyzed with fear I lay on my bed silently crying and did so for about three days.
Another year went by unsuccessfully. This time I tried getting a job. I tried working in a fast food restaurant, a mailroom job, in a cinema and in a football stadium but none worked out. I was always on time (very early in most cases because you know, anxiety) and great with customers but I couldn’t bring myself to deal with the stuff that most people do and ended up quitting all of the jobs.
Last year I tried going to a different college and I made it a month into it before dropping out. I tried a completely different course too but after getting the frankly horrific results of my first exam I couldn’t handle it. The stress of being a normal teenager was so difficult for me to cope with.
So why am I telling the internet about this? I strongly believe there is not enough help available for mental health problems. There should be more exposure for people in a similar situation as I am and more ways for people to get the help they need.
Where I am now
Currently, I'm not in a good place. My anxiety is bad and I am suffering from multiple panic attacks on a daily basis as well as struggling with severe depression. It is very difficult for me to admit my issues to loved ones and accept the help I need. I know that I cannot continue to live like this and I just hope I can get better.
Why am I writing this?
You might be thinking "okay but why share this?" and the simple answer is I don't know. I want other people to read this who might be in the same place as me to get the help they need. I also think that sharing this might make some people understand it a little better and be more sympathetic to their sister or brother or friend who might be struggling and is unable to do ordinary things. People with mental health issues are not lazy. Sometimes they just need help.
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