Mikala's 'Choose Your Own Adventure' Birth Playlist

"Pregnancy and motherhood are the most beautiful and significantly life-altering events that I have ever experienced." - Elisabeth Hasselbeck

Hey Mikala,

Take it from me. The road to motherhood is full of turns, twists, and ~bumps.~

(Hopefully it doesn't take you too long to go back to your pre-baby weight. Remember, it's called "pre-baby weight" not "pre-baby wait")

But seriously, the twists and turns start now. When you tasked me with the impossible duty of scoring your birth, I didn't know where to start! I have a degree in journalism, so I started at the beginning. But because you can't expect the unexpected (especially when you are expecting!!!), I turned your playlist into a choose your own adventure.

Good luck Mikala, I hope this whole thing works out for you.

Best,

Thank you,

Omri.

Songs 1-6: General Vaginal Warm Up Songs

little bob

Like a meeting in Venus, it's important to take things slow. Just warm up to these pussy power tunes, and let your vagina do the thinking FOR ONCE.

7 -14: It's time to start pushing, Mikala.

I think Melissa took this video of Colleen.

Lets make like Mufasa on the edge of the cliff and push it. What did you come here for anyway?

15 - 17: Skip to these songs if you're not actually giving birth today.

*Use in case of a false alarm*

18 -31: If you made it here, the baby is really coming. You betta work, bitch.

With 14 labia-tearing tunes, this is the longest section... but it's better than a c-section.

Unless that's what you want, of course, because it's your body and you should choose and if you want a bikini body step one put a bikini on your body i'm sorry i even brought it up.

32 -34: Skip here if you shit the bed.

One time, non-celebrity Jenny McCarthy took a break from literally making things up about vaccines to talk about how she shat the bed when she gave birth. Can you believe we consider her a celebrity? A few years ago I ran into her twice in one day. If you and I have the same routine, you're not famous. Anyway, you might shit the bed. The next songs are to power you through that movement... I mean, moment.

35 - 41: Looking into your husbands eyes after pooping in a hospital gown.

Pooping during childbirth is normal. If god didn't want it to happen, she wouldn't have put your butt hole so close to your baby hole. These songs are all about butts, which are vaginas for gay men.

42 - 45: Mommy's medicine + Jai Ho.

Fika corporate

Quickly skip to this section when you ask for drugs. (Also Jai Ho is here)

Lets be honest, you and I have never had anything bigger than 7 inches enter or leave our bodies. Now this 7 pound baby is going to slippery-doo out of your cat and you're not going to want to feel it. Natural childbirths are so dated anyway. These days Epi-pens may cost $500, but epi-durals are priceless ;)

46 - 61: Skip straight here if Mike bails.

GOOGLE LABS

Look Mikala, you're not having this baby... you're AND Mike are having this baby. You might have been walking around with a baby for 9 months, but Mike has been carrying his sperm in his sack for like... 19 years. If the pressure gets to him and he splits, bump these tunes. (Sorry Mike).

51 - 58: The female empowerment path.

It's a good year to be a woman. We like women so much, we're even voting an old one into the White House. Thanks to Lena Dunham and Amy Schumer, even men like transparent want to be women. In conclusion, you can do anything if you put your mind to it. Today, put your mind to having a baby.

59 - 63: Getting in touch with your body.

When pushing a living person from inside of you, it's important to listen to your body. Shhh... What's it saying? Is it telling you that your sex having days are over? Well, it's wrong. Mariah Carey is both a mother and a sex-haver.

64 - 71: Skip here when you can see the baby's head.

OMG. IT'S HERE. IT'S PROBABLY QUEER. LETS GET ZED OUT OF YOU!

72 - 76: Your first songs as a mother.

Congratulations, you've now joined the ranks of Kim K, Bristol Palin, Sharona, Pregnant Seller, Eve, and more. This is an elite group that communicates over public facebook posts. Feel free to breastfeed ANYWHERE. And if anyone tells you otherwise, put it in a facebook post.

77: Cool down.

Photo worm

WE DID IT. This is just that one song from the end of Bridesmaids.