Despite NASA's extensive research, I have compiled a list of habitable planets based off a recent trip to Chicago's Planetarium that is far more comprehensive than anything found so far, answering the age old question:
Where would we live if Earth died?
Mercury
Now, right away Mercury is an unsuitable place to live due to its heat. Closest in proximity to the Sun, this place is a living, breathing L.A. Tan. The expenses you save from vising tanning beds would burn a hole in your pocket. Literally. Those gauchos you love so dearly are in flames now, girl.
Aside from the heat, anyone who enjoys their naturally dark hair could not live here. Since it is so close to the sun, you would constantly have to re-dye your hair to get rid of the beautiful blonde highlights that show up over time. This is not only inconvenient, but confusing. If we're all blonde, how will we be able to tell one another apart? Are you my mom? My girlfriend? The mix up could result in dire consequences.
One day on Mercury is the equivalent to 176 days on Earth. It takes longer to fully rotate on its axis which results in longer days. Although days are longer, years are shorter, since Mercury revolves around the sun so fast. Therefore, we would have more birthdays due to the fact we would separate dates according to hours instead of days. A positive, right?
Wrong.
You may have more birthdays, but there will be no Denny's chain restaurant to celebrate in. Mercury is 3,032 miles in diameter and has a mass of about .055 Earths. That means it's really small. So small, it would crush under the weight of multiple Denny's, meaning that free birthday meal you're waiting to claim would never exist.
Mercury has no place for Denny's. Mercury is not a suitable place for habitation.
Venus
Say goodbye to sleep. Similar to Mercury, there are no moons on Venus. That means no good nights rest, no satin pajamas, no matching onesies for you and your significant other, nothing. All you have is you and your thoughts to keep you up at night. Yikes.
Sleep is a small price to pay in exchange for no more periods. That's right, ladies. Without a moon cycle to dictate days, your vagina will be so confused it will just give up and stop your crimson tide from bursting through. No more sitting in a pool of your own blood or having your deadbeat husband impregnate you to save your dying marriage. From now on it's just you and your barren vagina.
Your little lady isn't the only thing that's going to be confused on this planet. While Venus moves forward in its solar orbit, it is also slowly rotating backwards on its axis, resulting in time being reversed. Clocks render useless on Venus. Appointments cease to exist because no one can be anywhere on time. Work dinners are missed because people don't know how to schedule them. In short: No responsibilities!
But wait, if Venus rotates backwards, does that mean you have to walk backwards as well?
Its true, folks. In order to live on Venus, you must adapt to the rotation of the planet. For college tour guides everywhere, this is cause for celebration. Finally, your useless knowledge of sprinting backwards without knocking over trashcans is valued. However, for those of us who lacked school spirit in our early 20's, the outlook is grim.
Venus offers no safe space for child bearing or forward walking people. Therefore, Venus is not suitable place for habitation.
Mars
Mars: NASA's designated go-to planet in the event of Earth's destruction. For years, astronauts have praised Mars for the similarities it shares with Earth, most notable being its 25 hour days and capability to provide water. No doubt, these are sound scientific reasons to consider it a possible backup when the time comes, but have we looked in to spiritual reasons?
One of the first things you should always look for when shopping for a new planet is the aura surrounding it. A good aura guarantees immunity from things like stress, other peoples' judgment, and ghosts. When you look at Mars' surface, all you see is red, a telltale sign that the aura there is not necessarily a happy one. Is the ghost population fully responsible for Mars' unhappy aura? Or is it something more sinister?
Turns out, Mars ruined its potential all on its' own.
Before becoming involved with Mars, Phobos and Deimos were two asteroids enjoying the single life. They'd take shots of Moonshine, tease other planets, everything a couple of carefree rocks could ever ask for. Then one day, the two stumbled in to orbit and were snatched up by Mars. Luckily, Phobos and Deimos became best friends, but only after bonding over their anger towards Mars. As a result, the ghosts on Mars have lived in constant fear of Phobos and Deimos retaliation since the beginning of time.
On top of this, dust devils are incredibly common on Mars. Tornados appearing in the form of dirt can be a nightmare to anyone, especially moms. Your mom will spend countless hours attempting to vacuum up the debris left behind by a dust devil. In fact, they may shed all responsibilities to take up storm chasing, pointing their vacuums at the sky in a desperate attempt to clean up the dust devils.
Mars has angry moons, no moms, and spooky ghosts. Mars is no suitable place for habitation.
Jupiter
At first glance, Jupiter seems like a relatively okay place to live. It's cold, big, and is far enough away from Earth that we don't have to be reminded of what used to be. However, not all that glitters is gold. Scratch below the surface. Let's see what we uncover.
Jupiter's atmosphere is comprised of hydrogen and helium. If you are unfamiliar the affects helium has on a voice, let me inform you. Too much helium increases the speed of your voice, resulting in a higher sound. More likely than not, this will lead to increased activity in the bully community due to the fact everyone will be an easy target for ridicule. A planet with helium in its atmosphere and negativity at its core is no welcome environment for anyone.
Similar to Mars, people on Jupiter must live in constant fear of the moons. On Jupiter, there are 66 moons, 600 less moons than the number 666. The weight of this number hangs terribly over the head of all Jupiter residents, as it is an invitation for Satan to wreak havoc whenever he pleases. Sure, 66 is 600 numbers off from Satan's favorite number but it's Satan. He doesn't care if it's 66, 666, or 6666.
Speaking of selfish characters, Jupiter has an ego larger than its mass. In 1610, Galileo used an early telescope to discover Jupiter's four largest moons. His observations of objects orbiting a distant planet were among the strongest evidence that Earth was not the center of our Solar System. The praise Jupiter received after figuring out the entire Solar System was tremendous, leading to it having a "star status." Since then, Jupiter has made its mission to let every other planet know how much better it is.
Jupiter is pro-bullying and full of itself. Jupiter is no suitable place for habitation.
Saturn
Saturn is one powerful lady. Despite the rings adorning its outer regions, this is one independent planet that don't need no man. Heterosexual relationships, be warned, you may want to veer clear of her. She'll knock your man out faster than you can say, "please, no I'm afraid of being alone."
If you fear commitment, Saturn is for you. 29 Earth years is the equivalent of one year on Saturn, meaning that relationships tend to move at a pretty serious rate. If you spend one year with a person, you're either dead or married. Since there's no set timeframe to abide by when it comes to deciding how long you've been with someone, people tend to avoid relationships all together. As a result, the casual encounters section on Craigslist is a lot more approachable.
There are no set months on Saturn, making holidays completely extinct. As incredibly sad as this may seem, it is actually good. You may not know that the only song ever played on Saturn is Beyoncé's "Single Ladies," a good reflection on this planets inability to let go of control. Saturn put a ring on herself and she's hoping you do too, so much so, she punishes any lady trying to "feel herself" on Halloween. Slutty nurses, ghosts, and pumpkins are instantly blasted to smithereens by Saturn's rings. So, if you're looking to freeze your butt off in a sexy Ninja Turtles Costume on a breezy fall night, consider somewhere else.
Saturn is an arrogant ruler who has her own set ideas of feminism. Saturn is no suitable place for habitation.
Uranus
Uranus has been, and always will be, the butt of every Internet meme. Already, this hinders the planets chances when considering a new place to live in lieu of Earth's demolition. If chosen to house human life, we would constantly have to be writing down "Uranus" on every letter we mail to other planets thus, securing our place at the bottom of the bullied food chain.
On the plus side, people with victim complexes will thrive under Uranus' harsh conditions. They'll have every opportunity to complain about the cold, the name of the planet, and all other problems they feel like they're experiencing alone! Negativity will be their driving focus as they attempt to out victim one another.
You better hit up Dick's Sporting Goods before you make the move, because this planet is COLD. Fashion freaks and summer lovers everywhere will flip out once they learn they only get to wear winter coats for the rest of their lives. Shorts, crop tops, and sandals are all things of the past on Uranus. Here, it's just you and the Tundra.
Thankfully, this will result in a decrease of cat calling, since men cannot "see what they're dealing with" and chase after women in the 52 layers they are sporting. Overall, they will be more likely to give up altogether and accept their fate of blue balls. Literally.
The biggest reason Uranus sucks is because of its inability to go a single day without promoting a healthy lifestyle. No more Netflix binges or Thai food, with Uranus' constant spinning comes the constant need to wake up and workout. From the moment Uranus wakes with the western sun and sets in the eastern sky, it is always moving, and it wants to make sure you are too.
Uranus is an internet meme and works hard to encourage fitness. Uranus is no suitable place for habitation.
Neptune
The journey to Neptune is a long and arduous one. Make sure to avoid any big gulps you may be craving at 7/11, because there are definitely no pit stops between Earth and Neptune. If you've got to go, you're going to have to go in your zero gravity pants, and there's no way that's going to get past the other people in your spaceship.
Apart from the lack of gas stations, Neptune is comprised of 80% water. Lifeguards may revel in steady employment and a 401K, but what about the people who never learned how to swim? Point blank: you're going to drown. There's no tip-toeing around it. This is what God meant when he said, "the meek shall suffer in a galaxy far far away."
If we're one of the lucky few able to tread water for the rest of our days, we may happen upon the oceans of liquid diamonds hidden beneath the surface. Great news to everyone apart from those wishing to propose to their significant other. Since the diamond will be so devalued, they will have to find a substitute to the ring, such as a bottle of ketchup or a stapler. Predictably, a "no" is to be expected, leading to a lifetime of heartache and loneliness.
Neptune's badly behaved magnetic field is 27 times stronger than that on Earth's. With the ability to chaotically change, precautions must be taken. To avoid being flung from place to place, the outlawing of belts is necessary. Magnets attract other magnets, so if you're wearing a rhinestone belt in Denny's at one end of the planet and a different Denny's magnetic field starts acting up, get ready to dine and dash. Your WWE world title means nothing to the outstanding power of the great Neptune.
Neptune hates wedding rings and WWE all-stars. Neptune is no place for habitation.
Pluto
Planet status still up for debate. Will re-consider upon acceptance.
Following investigation in to each planet, I have found that nowhere is an acceptable place to live. In fact, Earth itself is barely an acceptable place to live. Instead of pouring government funding in to the space program we should just give up. The most logical conclusion is to avoid reproduction and let the human race die out altogether.
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