My Top Five Breakups That Took Place Over Hushed Whispers At Olive Garden

My Top 5 Breakups In That Took Place At Olive Garden's Across the Country, Ranked In Descending Order From Which Hurt Least To Which Hurt Most.

1. My Breakup With Andrew

Technically, this was in the parking lot of Olive Garden. We didn't even make it in to the restaurant before I, on a power kick after listening to all of Jagged Little Pill, decided to pull the plug on Andrew and I's already fleeting relationship. In the backseat of our friends' car. While they were all there. Taking place over silent whispers in Chris' moms minivan, Andrew put his arm around me in an attempt to mend the wound that had grown between us. But it was too late. I was already thinking about the basket of bread I would not be eating that night because of my decision to breakup with my high school boyfriend.

2. My Breakup With Jack

Again, this one is a bit of a stretch, because TECHNICALLY, Jack and I never dated. But in my head, we were the power couple of the century. A real Noah and whatever Rachel McAdams name was (?) in The Notebook. We were out to eat with a crew of people who had just finished filming a silly little video when I realized it would never work for us. He was reaching for the menu when he turned to Eric to talk about how he liked Grace, which was completely valid because, again, we were not dating. A silent relationship that started in my head and a silent breakup that ended in my head, I was completely crushed. I only ate half a plate of fettuccini alredo before boxing the rest. That never happens.

3. My Breakup With Ethan

I was about halfway through my plate of Olive Garden House Salad when Ethan started talking about the girl he was going to take to prom that was not me. Which was bullshit, considering we had gone to homecoming together. I immediately began giving him the cold shoulder. I mean, Ethan really played me. Didn't he know what I had gone through for him? I had sat through OK Computer AND Kid A, which are good albums I guess but I could have spent that time listening to Jagged Little Pill instead. What a waste of time. You don't just take a Junior to homecoming and then tell her you're not going to take her to prom. Christ on a stick, Ethan. What more did you want from me.

4. My Breakup With Mitch

Similar to Radiohead-obsessed-Ethan, I should have seen the red flags with Mitch early on. The first date Mitch and I went on, he made me dress up really fancy because he told me we were going to a fancy restaurant. It was Taco Bell, a move I found hysterical, but definitely one that set the precedent for our relationship. We never went on fancier dates than that. At most, the fanciest date we went on culminated in us at Olive Garden, with me stuffing breadsticks in to my purse while he discussed reasons we weren't right for each other. He said I didn't listen to him. I said can you pass the butter? The breakup on this one came later. It was messy.

5. My Breakup With David

This was the silentest of the breakups. David and I hadn't talked or cleared things up between us for a really long time and it had gotten to a point where everything was confusing. The waitress came over and automatically could tell something was wrong, considering I was making that face where you try really hard not to cry and really hard not to fart because you ate beforehand but can't SAY you ate beforehand because it was YOUR IDEA to get your heart kicked in the butt at this Olive Garden. As the waitress went back and forth taking our order, we attempted to speak about what we should do in this very loud restaurant, which was difficult because we were trying to whisper. We pseudo-broke up and I ate spaghetti with a side of tears. Fortunately, enough breakups happen in Olive Garden that the waitresses are now trained on how to deal with it. The kind lady Wanda gave me two extra chocolate mints and a knowing glance before I left. In the end, I'd give Olive Garden a 5 star rating if you're trying to chose what restaurant to cry over lost love at.