We're a long way from Groundskeeper Willie, y'all.

As long as he scrubs dat ass with iodine beforehand, we good.

Se(a)men joke here.

Calls the shots/can help you find something cute and supportive for a high arch at Foot Locker.

Those nipples will definitely be hot if he doesn't invest in some anti-chafe cream.

Doesn't grow older — only grows bigger.

AKA Penis Pan on laundry day.

You're hot for sure, dude, but I am gonna be so pissed if there's no actual pizza in there.

Crouching tiger, hidden fuckboy.

Likes to clean? Check. Otherwise filthy? Check. Consider my flue open for business!

Have mercy.

Not sure why this came up in our "sexy" search, but you could always cut a naughty little hole for your balls or something.

For Sexy Brooklynite, just add LP collection.

Sexy because you know he'll listen intently to all your fascinating stories about Mittens.

Complete with backward views on consent, reproductive rights, and the wage gap.

Would tear apart with my teeth.

Because who needs a firearm when you're packing that baton?

When that sexy doctor told you to cut back on sugar, this isn't what he meant. Quench your thirst.

Will never forget your anniversary/tampons/Chipotle.

Delicious.

Can chop down my cherry tree anytime.

And if you ever saw him, you would even say you blow.

You know he'll put a ring on it, plus dude's rocking one hell of a flavor saver.

Oh, those white gloves are not gonna work where you're going.

Sexy because he is comfortable with his marginalized sexuality.

What?