1. When ESPN is on, and you'd run away but you don't run:
2. When someone asks you how you stay fit:
3. And when you would laugh, but TBH you probably wouldn't even make it to the vault:
4. When your co-worker who never shuts up about football tries to get sassy:
If you're sick of hearing about Pokemon Go for the past week let me tell you what hearing about sports is like for the past three decades.
5. When some guy at the bar where you're TRYING to fall asleep in your potato skins in peace won't stop screaming at the game on TV:
6. And when the Olympics are on and you're forced to evaluate your life:
7. When there are just so many variables you can't control, you know?
8. When you know you've chosen the right squad:
9. And when your group chat is accordingly lit:
10. When you're looking for a new fling...
11. ...so you try to fool that cute jock at work/school into thinking you have stuff in common...
12. ...but then they actually strike up a conversation and you realize you've made a terrible mistake:
13. When you're running out of excuses for your gym teacher/acquaintance who plays recreational kickball/etc....
14. ...so you're forced to participate in some godforsaken athletic activity...
15. ...and you're just like, OMG THE BALL IS SO SCARY I SHOULD DEFINITELY JUST CLOSE MY EYES THAT WILL HELP:
16. Needless to say, you and everyone else on the team immediately regret this decision...
17. ...and all you can do is wish you'd had this kind of foresight:
18. And then a few days later, when your doctor asks what minimally taxing physical activity you're in for today...
You know it's bad when you pull a muscle in your back while bowling. #NonAthletic
19. ...and you realize it's simply time to embrace your truth:
Hey, you tried to warn them.
