Suicide Prevention

Learning from a Life Experience: Tragedy to Triumph by Noah Bouvin

Suicide Prevention

Learning from a Life Experience: Tragedy to Triumph

by Noah Bouvin

There is a suicide in the USA every 13 minutes. That might not be as shocking as it sounds. But when you hear these statistics as someone who has been very suicidal it is just terrifying. Being like that feels like there's no way out except death. You feel trapped by your own emotions. I felt like there is no hope for you and nothing that anyone can do will make you better. You resort to things like self harm and drugs because you're so desperate to feel something other than pain. It's a crazy thing. We are uninformed about this huge issue, It's not just in the United States that it's an issue. It's all over. Worldwide there are around 880,000 suicides in one year, which is equivalent to one suicide every 40 seconds. Take a second to think about that. If you have a watch with a second hand then look at it. Count 40 seconds. Within those 40 seconds, someone has killed themselves.

So why is this devastating and growing issue get pushed away? Maybe because we as humans don't want to talk about those types of emotions. Maybe it's because the media doesn't like to report on people killing themselves. Maybe it's because we can't detect depression as well and people aren't interested in it. Maybe we can decrease suicide rates if we pay more attention to this issue.Awareness is the key to unlocking the door for help and support. Parents may know what to look for in their children, but what are the obvious warning signs that parents should be aware of: One is depression.

I personally have a lot of experience with depression and suicide. My mother struggles with severe depression and has come close to suicide multiple times. One night when I was talking to my friend my mother had a breakdown. I heard my dad yelling for me in the other room, so I quickly hung up the phone and came into his room. My mother was laying on the bed crying and saying things like, "It's time for me to go!" and "I've lived too long!" My father and I were standing by her as she was on the bed and were trying to comfort her but she was inconsolable. We told her that she needs to stay , and that we loved her, but she didn't believe us. We immediately took her to a hospital in Chicago. As we were driving there I had to watch her in the back seat to make sure she didn't use the seat belt to choke herself. Then, she tried to unlock the door to jump out. I had to reach over and lock it. She also was asking for her pills. According to her, she just wanted to hold on to them to keep them safe. But we knew better than to give them to her. When I saw my mother in this state that was the moment my perspective changed on suicide and depression.

My mother, the woman who raised and nurtured me throughout my childhood and she didn't believe that we wanted her or needed her anymore. This made me terrified. I didn't want to lose her. From then on, I was determined to help her. This traumatic experience is what drove me to want to help other people as well. I was terrified for awhile. I knew just how serious depression was in a family environment. My inspiration

was my mother and I am determined to help others because of her illness.

If that wasn't enough for a young child to handle, my father shared many of the same thoughts of depression and suicide. I too have had my fair share of suicidal thoughts and actions. I've struggled with depression ever since 4th grade. I remember crying and grabbing the dagger underneath my bed and angling it toward my chest wanting to put it into my heart. I would do that at least twice a week during 4th grade. After that the suicidal thoughts settled down a bit. They were still there but I was able to control them better. I had no motivation throughout elementary school, middle school, and my freshman year of highschool. During 8th grade I started to have more suicidal thoughts and had started to self harm. Once I started with it, it was like an addiction. I couldn't stop, and I was too afraid to tell anyone. I had started to get more and more hopeless. I didn't believe that I could get better. I didn't believe that I was worth anything. Once the summer started, things started to plateau. I hadn't really done anything during the summer. I just hung out with some friends and everything went well.

Freshmen year was difficult, I started to self harm. This was the worst spiral I had ever been in before. My suicidal thoughts had started to take over my life. Then first semester ended. When second semester started I continued to self harm, to have suicidal thoughts, and then added to that I started having anxiety attacks. It was very frustrating because I had been on medicine for awhile at that point and it was supposed to be helping. I was convinced the medication was not helping at all. About two months into second semester I started seeing a psychiatrist. The first thing he did was decrease the medicine I was taking from 30mg to 10mg. Then that week, I attempted suicide. I had hit rock bottom. My parents didn't know about the attempt until about a week after it happened. Then they started to lock things up like knives, razors, medicine, and ropes. After my suicide attempt I had my medicine increased back to 30mg. It seemed to help a bit more, but I was still very unhappy. My psychiatrist never did anything about it. I went through the rest of second semester very unhappy and suicidal. I found that was able to tolerate the depression and suicidal thoughts. Then school ended and summer started.

I started to pick up some new hobbies to try to get me through the summer, and I started to see a new therapist. I could tell she was trying to help me. She cared about me a lot, but I wasn't being honest with her and wasn't putting work into my therapy. My depression and suicidal thoughts became worse.. I became more unhappy and started having more urges to self harm. Suddenly, I hit my breaking point.

It was a little over a month ago that I made my second suicide attempt. I had taken lots of advil in hopes that it would destroy my liver and I'd bleed out. Thanks to my friend calling the police,I was quickly taken care of. When the police came to my house my parents were on their way to the gym. The funny thing is is that as they were leaving our subdivision they saw the police and ambulance coming.

Once the police asked me all their questions they called my parents. They had just gotten to the gym and had received the emergency call from the police. By the time my parents arrived at home, I was riding away in an ambulance. They took me to the ER where I got a saline IV. The emergency doctors completed blood tests on me and treatments to make sure I didn't have any advil left in my body. Then, I met with the counselor at the hospital. It was decided which hospital I would be going to and the plan for my treatment. I left the ER at about 1:00am and arrived at the psychiatric hospital at about 2:30am. After that I had to do a lot of paperwork and finally got to bed at around 4:00am. I was still very overwhelmed at the time so sleep was not an option. I just had to push through and get through that first day.

After that first day, I was doing well and felt good about my treatment. I had made some friends, got along with the counselors, and felt like I was making some real progress. I did make a mistake when I took a metal piece from the bathroom and used it to self harm. The consequence was not exciting from my perspective. I was only allowed finger foods. My utensils were taken away, I had to wear gowns, and could only use crayons to write. It was a bit of a setback in terms of my discharge date, but it was something that was needed. After 12 long and hard days, I was released and started my partial hospitalization program (PHP).

When I started PHP I realized that going to the hospital was kind of like laying the foundation of what I was going to need in the future. PHP helped me to rebuild structure in my life. I've been so much happier after PHP. I'm more energetic. I spend more time with family. I have just changed with the support of PHP. I learned how to deal with the little things in life that trigger my problems. I learned how DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.) can support my success and learn how to accept myself for who I am as a person.

My point in sharing all of this is that there are these issues going on daily that we can all recognize and offer help to others. As a school we(students and staff) can make a difference. For all you know your best friend could be struggling with the same things I did: depression,self harm and suicide.Some people aren't so lucky to have survived my situation. If I would have succeeded in my suicide attempts I would have been one of the people during those 40 seconds in the beginning. Our society doesn't realize that we don't seem to think of the people suffering mentally. Their are people who wake up every morning and wish they would have never woken up. It is up to you and me to change all this. It's up to us to focus on these issues, help people out, and ultimately reduce those numbers at the beginning of the article.

For anyone who is struggling out there, know there is hope. I know for a fact you are not alone. There are so many people at different ages in life struggling with the same issues of depression, self harm and thought of suicide. All it takes is for you to REACH OUT.