How To Defer A Rabid Customer In Retail

You're having a great day at work, when suddenly an enraged mother-of-6 appears.

[01.19] Many calculations mean victory; few calculations mean no victory; then how much worse when there are no calculations? From this perspective I can clearly predict victory or defeat.

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It is important to assess the situation ahead. Make note of the customer's frustration within themselves for not carrying the cupcake you just sold to them carefully, thus causing it to overturn in their bag on their way out. Also, watch out for the children for they have the tendency to burst out crying about sweets.

Maybe you should have paid more attention to the precious dessert if it was that important to you, Karen.

[01.14] Therefore, if able, appear unable; if active, appear inactive; if near, appear far; if far, appear near.

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Never, ever, let the customer see you sweat. Many customers have the tendency to sense fear or anxiety, and utilize that in order to cause a bigger scene that could risk trouble with leadership.

It's always a good idea to act ignorant and new to the job. Don't let your ego or 3 years of experience doing this job defer you in to conflict with said customer.

[03.18] Therefore, there are five factors of knowing who will win: (1) One who knows when he can fight, and when he cannot fight, will be victorious;

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Realize that in any customer service-oriented job, the customer truly is always right. Even when you know you did nothing wrong, there is no use in putting up an argument.

You can rant about the customer's wrongness once you clock out.

[02.18] Therefore, the important thing in doing battle is victory, not protracted warfare.

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Next, figure out the quickest way to both tame the angry customer, and make them leave satisfied. You want to plan to leave tonight with as little drama as possible.

Never suggest that the customer is acting unruly. A smashed cupcake decoration can turn very personal, very quickly.

[02.19] Therefore, a general who understands warfare is the guardian of people's lives, and the ruler of the nation's security.

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Some customers need to be told the same thing many times in order for it to become comprehensible. It's always helpful to tell your boss when a customer is upset. That way, the consequences for the customer's predicted actions falls on your boss as well. Sometimes it takes a village to contain the wrath of a customer. (I'm looking at you, Karen)

It also helps if your boss is a Russian woman who has no time for ridiculous complaints and doesn't care for America's form of etiquette in customer service.

Sit back and watch the Russian lady do her thing.

[03.23] Therefore I say: One who knows the enemy and knows himself will not be in danger in a hundred battles.

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You have to realize that many customers will complain in order to get free things. If you have to risk a profit in order to keep the customers happy and coming back, then so be it. Consider how many cupcakes you make a day, and consider how many are discarded due to mishaps in the workplace. A refund is always the best way to save face in the times of conflict.

As long as you're still getting a paycheck on Friday, no need to worry.

[05.15] They offer bait that which the enemy must take, manipulating the enemy to move while they wait in ambush.

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After the customer receives their money back, they are still without a cupcake for their screaming child. Now, you offer an alternative. I suggest offering a cupcake that isn't selling as well, therefore, you are moving product in order for more to be made and satisfying the customer.

This will also give more reason for your boss to like you, especially given the fact that her Russian accent makes it seem like she is angry with you all the time.

[05.09] Therefore, the force of those skilled in warfare is overwhelming and their timing precise.

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Once they have accepted the refund and exchange, this is you chance to decide whether or not you want to go above-and-beyond. You could use this opportunity to offer additional desserts to the customer, in order to ensure that they come back and that they know the company always puts the customer first.

This step is optional however due to the riskiness of your boss not approving of the decision you made or whether or not the customer is willing to stick around instead of making a fast getaway after receiving their free item.

[04.13] Those skilled in warfare cultivate the Way, and preserve the Law, therefore, they govern victory and defeat.

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Now that the customer is satisfied and ready to leave, you can go in the back and feel good about yourself for overcoming the wrath of Karen. You have succeeded in yet another day of working customer service, and you should be proud.

You are more than welcome to go home and have that drink or four that you've been thinking about for the past 8 hours.

[04.07] Winning battles such that the whole world cries 'Excellent!' is not the highest excellence.

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Know that this will not be the last upset customer. For as long as you work at a bakery, there will always be an overturned cupcake, and there will always be an enraged Karen.

Celebrate for now, but tread lightly. Tomorrow is soon to come.