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Which 305 Hoe Are You?

Take this quiz to find out which classy lady in Room 305 you are. For reference please listen to this song before you begin

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  1. Once upon a time not long ago, I was a...

    puppy sloot
    wannabe hoe
    person who lived in this room (sometimes)
    frostbitten toe
    basic hoe
    serial monogamist
  2. And I'm ______ it

    being highly sarcastic about
    texting my friends during
    clogging the sink with
    fantasizing about
    saving myself for
    living in it
    quietly agreeing about
    laying in my bed watching
    listening to sad music about
    sticking my fridge between
    dreaming about
    waitin for him to put an ethically sourced ring on
  3. Won't take it back, 'cause ______

    I'm a savage
    I'm waiting for someone to put in a work order
    I only know that and pop music from 7th grade
    I'm oblivious
    Me have hot bod
    I'm praying for forgiveness
    I'm making a pun out of it
    it was some good times and I bunked by bed for it
    I'm watching netflix
    I'm not trying to bother anyone
    I was tired despite drugging myself
    I'm already halfway down the aisle
  4. What is your typical going out routine?

    Starts getting ready when everyone else is leaving
    "Oh were we planning on going out?" I'm in a onesie
    Same clothes, different day
    *packs a puke bag for the kids*
    Started getting ready the day before then wonders why no one else is ready
    *trap music plays in background*
    Can I wear Love Your Melon?
    21 since September and still haven't been to a bar
    nap until 15 min before leaving
    no shoes, no shirt and I still get service
    gets drunk off of one shot but still loves le tequila
    I don't care as long as I still have time to take shots
  5. Movie genre?

    Period pieces
    whatever's on the Catholic channel
    Porn (in groups)
    Well my boyfriend only watches critically acclaimed films...
    Korean cinema
    is 50 shades a genre?
    rom com
    anything that makes me cry, aka anything
    I can't even see the TV
  6. Bed Time?

    a normal time bc I do my homework 10 minutes before class
    I'm nocturnal
    When the demons allow it
    When the birds chirp and I can hear them outside my tent
    chugs coffee and chocolate *almond* milk at 9 and goes to bed at 1
    door is always closed so not sure
    gotta wake up early so it's time for momma to turn in
    not sure she lives in this room
    now, I have practice in the morning
    after I've orgasmed 7 times minimum
    8 pm on the dot bc UTI
    doesn't matter but MUST wake up at 7 am
  7. Pick your poison:

    le tequila
    who cares, I'll get drunk anyways
    4 loko bc I predicted the election
    must stay sober for all the babies
    Spiked seltzer cuz I'm classy
    beer (old reliable)
    Old-fashioned (#21)
    bacardi party
    anything you can put in a shot glass
  8. What's your catchphrase:

    I put hot sauce on it
    Remember that one guy that nodded at me in lower that one time
    Wanna hear something really sad?
    Everybody loves me. Literally, he won't stop calling me.
    I just want Starbucks and Chipotle
    "How's Trix?" *doesn't wait for answer* "Trix are for kidz"
    I'm gonna take a nap
    Sooooooo shots?
    Hi friends!
    like my pajamas?
    I’ll make my mac and cheese for you
  9. What's your role in the common room conversation?

    *Covers ears and closes eyes*
    *emerges from room disheveled in order to comment in a political manner*
    brings up conspiracy theory/ demon experience/ dream
    wants every conversation to somehow involve sex
    "This one time when I was having sex..." moons window
    I’ll make my mac and cheese for you
    emerges for snack, engages in convo
    idk she's in Australia
    is asleep in a very uncomfortable position
    denying the fact that there is an alien birthing site at Area 51
    "That's not nice."
    I am not allowed to speak in the common room
  10. What do you look for in your future spouse?

    a nice boy
    the devil himself
    an older athlete who will take our three kids to church on Sundays
    settle down?
    Old, tinder
    I'm already planning my wedding so that's besides the point
    virgin, 8-pack, and loves to party
    emotionally damaged, everyone hates him
    hot & rich
    white beard, kinda chubby around the middle, wears all red, calls everyone a ho
  11. Favorite BC Memory

    USC game
    hooking up with that guy from Juice
    Probably that night I orgasmed 7 times (we would hope- seriously, tell us how you do it)
    I was asleep for it (was actually probably too high to remember) or maybe the time I ubered from mac to upper #glorydays
    Still waiting to hook up with a hockey player, I’ll get back to you
    *almost* meeting my husband
    Falling asleep in Chris’s bathroom
    when Marcus bedded me
    “I did not wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy”
    I don’t remember but I was told I vomited
    failing at shower sex WITH A BROKEN FOOT
    taking that first and only shot, it was epic
  12. What are you looking forward to in the next 9 months?

    Immaculate conception
    not giving birth bc pro choice
    Giving birth to the spawn of Marcus the demon
    Giving birth to a leprechaun
    Giving birth to a damn well dressed Insta famous baby
    Giving birth to a jellybean
    Giving birth to some Australian’s baby
    I’m uncomfortable with a lot of things...
    Giving birth bc everyone else is doing it (pregnancy pact)
    Starting senior year!! :) HAGS!
    Giving birth bc the condom got stuck inside me
    Santa’s baby, I’ll slip it out right under the tree, for me

Which 305 Hoe Are You?

You got: Claire

I hope you went to church this week, because you’re as holy as they come. Except no one comes in your world. You’re also ironically the one who is always down to #hang and #party, probably because you procrastinate on all your homework and are the only one who is #twentyfun. You are currently in Old Britain kissing cute English boys, so we are all low key very jealous. Way to go!

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You got: Nicole

Are you watching Netflix on your phone while also doing a crossword on your computer? Are you lit af? Is your favorite quote incredibly morbid? Well, obviously, because you’re a Nicole! You watch Galavant with your roomies and genuinely can’t understand why nobody else could enjoy this beautiful and musical period piece. Your bed is your true sanctuary and the cashiers at City Co. probably know your life story. You wear some banging booties (with a moderate heel) and you have the finest ass in this godforsaken school. Brush up on your politics knowledge because the LSAT is coming up fast, and if you’re ever going to make it as the governor of North Carolina, you better ace that shit. You also never black out or vom and I think you should get more credit for that.

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You got: Shannon

Congrats, you two time Least Valuable Player, sink-cloggin’, uninvited member of our room. Your activities include making questionable decisions, avoiding peanuts, shirts and responsibilities, answering physics questions, and, more than anything, clogging the dang sink. If marielle is smell sensitive, you’re sink sensitive. This is awkward bc we didn’t invite you to join our quiz. What are you even doing here anyway?

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You got: Marielle

Berenstein or Berenstain?! Welcome to Marielle’s world, that is, the Twilight Zone. Crack out that Ouija Board and remember to say goodbye, even though it’s already too late and Marcus has your soul. I’ll bet you’re unapologetically sassy and yet somehow everyone still loves you because you look strikingly similar to Dobby the Elf. That’s some damn good genes. You are smell, temperature, and germ sensitive and you go to Lower at 4:30 daily to get your nightly bagel. Good job. Keep researching those conspiracy theories.

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You got: Lori

Between your depressing music and your dark, dark soul, it’s a mystery how you get out of bed in the morning. If you even live in this room… you’re never here because of your hectic and demanding lifestyle that focuses mainly around HIV/AIDS. You insist that all the bands you listen to are extremely popular even if no one else has ever heard of them. Your Illinois history education failed you when it failed to teach you about Watergate, and you named your high school clique, like a real life teenage drama. Currently, you study in Ecuador and we miss the sounds of you, most importantly your incessantly loud nose blowing.

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You got: Courtney

If you’re a Courtney, you love dogs, Christmas and sex in that order. Most of your conversations end in startling sexual revelations and/or pictures of Bali. Your favorite fantasy probably involves Santa Claus and/or your physics TA in a tent, idk you’re probably weird. You bunked your bed because of the challenge of sexual intercourse on the top bunk, and you’ll be damned if you fail. You are single handedly responsible for feeding the entire room on Thursday nights and letting us know when the froyo machine is on. You’re also strikingly attractive. Like damn. One final piece of advice for you Courtneys out there: If you’re not even feeling this Four Loko yet, I feel like you’re not drinking it fast enough.

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You got: Keegan

You’re probably from New Jersey, aren’t you? If you’re a “Keegan,” you think about sex or peanut butter every 3 seconds. Its statistically proven. And you would know, you’re a math minor. At a party, we can always find you taking shots or in the center of the dance floor. You don’t give a fux about anything except your peanut butter and texting your friends bc some bois can’t ~satisfy~ you.

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You got: Shauna

Adorable. Angelic. You’re the mom of the group, and have pulled each of your friends from death’s door. You probably have extra tall rain boots purely for the purpose of jumping into puddles because if you can’t be a child at heart, can you even live? You are a great human bean and always smell like you just got out of the shower (because you did). Get yourself a hedgehog for a pet (RIP Turtle), some penguin paraphernalia, maybe some wine if you’re feeling a little wild, because you are without a doubt a Shauna.

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You got: Alexandra

If you are taking this quiz past 8pm and you got Alexandra, you definitely picked wrong. You are reliably in your bed/in the shower anytime past 8 and we can always rely on you to come out every couple of hours to contribute to the convo and grab frozen grapes and mustard.

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You got: Victoria

V-I-CKY The sound of her name makes the little kids cry (AHHHHHHH) Hey vicky you're so so icky Just the thought of being around you makes me oh so sicky Hey vicky won't you please explain why you get so much enjoyment out of causing kids pain (OH OH OH!) A chick who's just plain mean A sour sweet 16 She's a fire breathing dragon in a pair of black jeans (EEEEWWWW) AHOOOOOOO Hey vicky won't you tell us true how'd we ever get the bad luck to be stuck with you Oh vicky can we say one thing It's your super total yuckiness that makes us wanna sing OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH! Icky Vicky ooo ooo Icky Vicky ooo ooo ICKY VICKY! Enough said. If you're a Victoria, you're just plain icky.

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You got: Jess

If you’re a Jess, you’ve just spent the last five months in sunny Australia kissing boys (and maybe a bit more… ok A LOT more). You have some pretty sick beach pics and you’ve probably been Disneyland more times than Walt himself. You’re a Zumba queen (or king, we’re inclusive in this quiz) and that’s how you keep your hot bod. We’re looking forward to having you back this semester to fuq sh!t up.

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You got: Kat

Good news, you’re the only one who can call Shauna mom. You make some meannnn mac and cheese and you are always on point with your puppy videos and LYM attire. You’re trendy and artsy and kewl and you’re probably the only one who has your shit figured out.

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