The Subtext Of That Photo You Shared At The Bar

Going out to a bar with friends is an occasion for good times. But when you attempt to document your activities with Instagram, we know what you’re really saying. And if you’d like to call “No Bollocks” on your own photos, pay a visit to the Newcastle Subtexter.

1. The balcony shot.

SUBTEXT: Sure is nice here, looking out at the bar from the balcony. You know who else looks out over throngs of assembled proletariat from a balcony? An Archduke. You know who ALSO else looks out over throngs of assembled space-proletariat from his cyber-balcony? The dashing hero-Archduke in the near-future ebook I’m scribing in my free time. His name is Dash, which is also a verb.

2. The groupshot you arranged.

SUBTEXT: LOL do I have fun very much??? LMAO do I have cool-ass friends who also own numbered clothes, which are like normal clothes except you can count them??? ROFL Is that a pretty cool chimney in the background of my shot??? Is it providing very much heat to me and my running krew as we gesture for the camera????? Don’t bother answering it’s rhetorical. Hi haters.

3. The completely indiscernible shot of the wall with the border for some reason and the caption “Bad feeling”

SUBTEXT: I sincerely believe myself to be the most important artist in America or at least in this bar at this given moment.

4. The picture of a somewhat unconventional choice of beverage.

SUBTEXT: Oh, this? Ha ha, I drink this all the time. Must be something I picked up overseas as a youth, or during my undergrad years at Cambridge, or possibly my grad years at La Sorbonne, or my post-grad years back at Cambridge except watch out it’s italicized this time and also I watch Anthony Bourdain reruns very often.

5. Drinks lined up.

SUBTEXT: I want you to think I spent significantly more money on my friends at this bar than I actually did.

6. Pictures of fancy cocktails with garnishes and junk.

SUBTEXT: I know more about drinking and botany than you do.

7. Beer glass with a quote on it.

SUBTEXT: I’m better than you, because I can drink and read pithy aphorisms at the same time. That’s called killing two birds with one stone, which is a phrase I just now invented.

8. The picture of someone else in a picture.

SUBTEXT: I want you to picture this mysterious guy when you think of me. Please think of me as mysterious. Please for the love of hero-Archduke.

9. The “doing Sudoku in the bar”.

SUBTEXT: If life were the movie The Fast And The Furious, my brain would be the cool black car that Vin Diesel drives in the sequel.

10. The champagne flute.

SUBTEXT: I want you to think I am classier than you remember.

11. The scary low light pool table shot.

SUBTEXT: I basically am all of the characters from the movie Grease combined into one person, like Voltron. I’m basically Grease and Voltron at the same time.

12. The indecipherable lights and not much else shot.

SUBTEXT: I want you to know that I’m having a really good time but I don’t want you to know what everyone looks like at the moment.

13. The whole hand with the drink.

SUBTEXT: I really want you to compliment my bracelet too.

14. The secret shot of the bartender from a side angle.

SUBTEXT: Check out the hottie tending the bar. Yeah, he’s talking to me. Yeah, I’m pretty much already doodling his last name with “Mrs.” and my first name in front of it.

15. The subtle picture of the coaster with the name of the bar on it.

SUBTEXT: I want you to know EXACTLY where I am, and Facebook and Foursquare and location-specific Tweets were not enough.

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