1. Get the whole family together… or at least try.
Because there’s no place like home for the holidays.
2. Cook up a special Christmas goose.
Please, for all that is holy, make sure it no longer has a pulse before you put it in the oven.
3. Tell everyone about your exciting new career.
You’re finally doing something you love, and you might be the only one in your family with an actual job right now. Be proud!
4. Drink and drink and drink and drink and drink.
And drink some more.
5. Entertain the family with an interpretive performance of “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
Because the chicken dance isn’t that festive.
6. Spend some quality time with your mom.
Because it’s the only gift you really want.
7. Make awkward small talk with your cousin.
You could chat about school or how nuts your family is, but never, ever address that one time you made out.
8. Realize you made a huge mistake in thinking the day would go smoothly.
Cheer up, champ. You’re related to a bunch of weirdos — something strange was bound to happen.
9. Try to escape the madness by slipping out the back door.
A trap door is even better if it’s available.
Because there are only 365 days until you have to do it all over again.
11. And realize that you love these misfits no matter what.
After all, family is the most important thing… after breakfast.