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Note: This post includes topics of sexual assault.
For Black History Month (and beyond), we wanted to shed a little light on a niche community of professional sex workers: Black women in BDSM. BDSM — which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism — is a widely misunderstood practice and community that has been around for decades, if not centuries. Its practice and close-knit community is grounded in foundations of consent and communication, which contrasts many popularized versions of BDSM and kink in the media.
We talked to three Black professional dominatrixes — Venus Cuffs, Supreme Coyote, and Madame Namio — about their experiences in BDSM and kink communities and how their identities affected those spaces, what the future of kink looks like, and, of course, their favorite sex toys.
First up, Venus Cuffs, BDSM consultant and lifestyle domme who has been on the NYC kink scene for years.
On what happened when she first started exploring the kink scene: "When I first came into the BDSM community, I would go to a lot of parties and literally be ignored. It was very white, especially when I started. If you were Black, you were kind of an addition to the party — I would have people following me around calling me 'goddess,' 'mocha,' 'chocolate,' whatever."
On how her Blackness intersects with her identity as a dominant: "Because I'm one of the most visible Black people in BDSM right now, I get a lot of everything. I've faced a lot of racism, for sure, but I've also gotten a lot of love. I think my experience is going to be different from a lot of Black people in the community because I'm so public-facing, that a lot of what I've experienced in kink is shaped by that."
On curating events and creating safe spaces in the kink community: "I'm visible, but also, I'm not the conventional standard of what everyone else wants BDSM to be. When people come into these spaces, they want to walk into a dark dungeon, they want the avant-garde, the masks, the secret society. It's like no, just come into the space and adhere to the consent rules. So many people come in thinking, 'Hey, the first person I see, I can just touch them because we're at a sex party, so what's the big deal?' You can't do that. [They have] no concept of needing permission to touch someone or that you need permission to perform each act with them."
On her hopes for the future of BDSM and kink: "I actually would like to see BDSM go back underground. I'm very happy that it's more visible and not in a horrible way. I really love that people are exploring their kinks and getting to learn their kinks and really getting what they enjoy, so that part doesn't need to go back underground. For the future of kink, I'd love to see more authenticity."
Venus Cuffs's Favorite Sex Toys:
1. The Bender vibrator from Unbound, which she loves because according to her, "It's bendy, the material feels like real skin, it has a bunch of different settings."
2. Wooden paddles or wooden canes, since impact play is her favorite. "They deliver the most impact in my opinion," she said. "They can also, especially the longer ones, be a bit thuddy."
3. Massage candles — especially Lelo's body-safe massage candles — are her favorite for temperature play. "It feels really good to get the temperature play going and also have the massage element added to it," she said. "It's sexy, great foreplay or aftercare...and it feels really, really good."
Next, Supreme Coyote, who's been in the professional dominatrix business for five years so far, and works to destigmatize and celebrate Black sex workers as they do it.
On how they first got into BDSM: "When I got into the industry, I actually had no idea what was goin' on. I just had a very wealthy white man who wanted to set up some sort of arrangement with me. The catch was he wanted me to be mean to him. And I was like, but what does that mean? What do you mean 'be mean to you.' I'm not really picking up on that. And he was like, no, I want you to tell me what to do. I was like, ok, I think I can do that. And then, the next thing you know, he's at my apartment asking to pay reparations because he's white and asking to be waterboarded in my bathtub."
On being Black and queer in BDSM and sex work: "As you know, just as a Black queer person, it's very hard to get into any kind of workforce industry and feel any kind of empowerment or labor body autonomy. When you get into sex work and the BDSM scene, the thing that I love about BDSM is that it's all about body and labor autonomy."
On their hopes for the future of Blackness in kink, sex work, and BDSM: "I have a huge soapbox when it comes to this because I'm very much an advocate for destigmatizing and decriminalizing sex work as a whole, especially when it comes to the stigma of pro-BDSM service members. My dream, especially for Black sex workers, in this year of 2023 and moving forward would be just seeing us flourish and prosper this year."
Supreme Coyote's Favorite Sex Toys:
1. The Electroshock by Shots E-stimulation cock ring, because they really love electro play. "It has a little remote connected to the ring where you can fine tune the frequency of the shock or the intensity of it," they said.
2. The Desire Luxury Rechargeable Remote Control Vibrating Strap-On by Lovehoney, because it's versatile, easy to use, and easy to clean, even though they think the harness could be improved. "But you can customize the harness or switch it out," they said. "I do love the different features that this vibrating strap-on kit has. You can change the frequencies, the vibrations, and it's waterproof, so that's good."
3. Chastity devices, but especially a chastity cage for penis owners. It's Coyote's professional opinion that male submissives aren't entitled to ejaculation. "I think it is a privilege, and I think it is a privilege that has to be earned," they said. "So, if you're not using it, you're gonna lock it up."
And Madame Namio, a former dominatrix, licensed esthetician, and sex-positive internet meme queen.
On how she entered the BDSM and kink scene: "I learned about kink and BDSM initially when I was in college. Unfortunately, the second month of college, I was raped in a frat house, and I buried that. All the memories came back in my junior year, and I actually ended up reporting my rapist to the university. It was absolute fucking hell. I lost a lot of friends. I was ostracized and attacked because I publicly denounced him. It was a huge thing. And after that, I just felt completely defeated and alone and ugly, and fucking horrible, and I wanted to do an art project to help me heal. I was thinking, what's a powerful, beautiful, strong woman? What's that look like? And that's how I came across dominatrixes online, and I was so intrigued by that."
On how her Black identity intersects with her work in BDSM: "When I was a domme, I did center it around my identity a bunch. I liked to call myself a 'reprogrammer' where, if I was dealing with a client who was white and we were doing extreme humiliation sessions or any kind of goddess worship session, where my body would be worshipped, or I would be worshipped, waited on hand and foot. I would always remind them, 'You are serving a Black goddess, and this is a gift. This is a gift that you are being given, and you should not fuck it up.'"
On finding community in kink: "There was a lot of community I found with other Black dommes and how we do our practice. The misconception is that you only deal with white clients that want to be humiliated or have specific fetishes, and that is not true. I took care of everybody. There's this misconception that Black people don't want to be submissive, and the thing is that we're going to do it in a different way."
On the future of Blackness in BDSM: "My hopes are that things switch around, and Black dommes are paid top dollar every time. Also, that the Black community starts to recognize that kink is a part of our history, too. Some of the people that brought kink to where it is today and taught the basics of BDSM — they were Black. Black people have always been a part of this culture and are a vital part of this culture flourishing. BDSM is Black. It is a part of Blackness. It is something to be respected and celebrated."
"I look forward to the future of BDSM and sex work being told through the perspectives of the people that actually make it happen, and not voyeurs who want to look into our community and use it as an aesthetic, but do nothing when our rights are stripped away from us. We would be nowhere without full-service sex workers; they created this culture. The language we use in our culture and everyday life, sex workers created that. When you say 'dick appointment' — come on! if you're going to be so enamored by our culture, which you will always be because it's a beautiful culture that's rich with history and power, you need to uplift and respect the people that make not only this culture, but the world what it is. And part of that also means honoring Black sex workers as well."
Madame Namio's Favorite Sex Toys:
1. The Big Boss vibrating dildo by Fun Factory because it's huge. "I call mine 'Thanos' because if Thanos from The Avengers had a dick, that's what it would look like," she said. "I love it because it's really, really good for self-pleasure because the handle is easy to use, but it's also really good for using on other people."
2. Dame's iconic Eva couple's vibrator. "I love this mainly because I like to put it on and wear it while I'm playing video games," she said. "Sometimes, if I'm playing a really difficult boss — like, I had to beat this one boss in this game Wolfenstein — and oh my god, beating the boss and coming? It was wild. ... It was wild."
3. Nipple clamps, in all shapes and sizes. "I think people neglect their nipples a lot, and it's really unfortunate because there's a lot of nerve endings there," she said. No matter your gender, "nipples are awesome. These cute red clamps that have a heart on them, they're really cute, and they stay ON."
4. Unbound's Shimmy vibrating butt plug, which she finds is a great fit. "It's [also] completely waterproof. So, I like to use this when I'm taking a bath," she said. "It's pretty snug, and I find that it's pretty easy to use."
And as an honorable mention, the Njoy wand, which is made out of stainless steel and a great option for temperature play. "You just have to be careful because it's heavy," she said. "It's got a really good weight to it, which is good for anchoring yourself during solo play. If you stick it in the refrigerator for a while, it works very nicely."
That being said: Pay sex workers, pay Black sex workers, pay queer sex workers, follow the rules of consent in kinky spaces, pay for your porn, and tip gratuitously.
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