We Had Relationship Therapists React To The Alleged Jonah Hill Texts To His Ex-Girlfriend, Sarah Brady

"[It's] not simply like, 'This is a thing that I feel,' but 'This is the thing that I feel plus therapy has condoned this way of feeling.'"

By now, you've probably seen the alleged texts between Jonah Hill and his ex-girlfriend, Sarah Brady. The allegation of "emotional abuse." The assertion that Jonah had Sarah turn down work opportunities. The prolific use of the word "boundary."

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So, BuzzFeed sat down with two relationship therapists to speak generally about the implications of the texts and what it says about the cultural moment we're in.

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Note: These two therapists have not treated Jonah or Sarah.

Licensed clinical social worker Stephen Hirsch, from The Relationship Suite, told us, "Typically, when people are talking about 'boundaries,' they're talking about things that they themselves will or won't do. I do that, I won't do that. I hesitate to make a judgment without seeing all the texts in the context. But from what I've read, the use of the term 'boundaries' is all about what she can or can't do."

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"That's a distinction that jumps out to me. That's a hint that he's not using boundaries the way a clinician would."

Instead, Stephen said that the term "comfort level" was more apt than talk of "boundaries" in this case. He explained, "That suggests his reaction to what she's doing. I'm comfortable with this. I'm not comfortable with that. He's within his rights to say, 'This is what I want in a relationship, this is what I don't.' But if he's doing things after the fact, if he's doing things in a manipulative way, then that's not good."

When asked about the discourse surrounding Jonah's use (and potential weaponization of) "therapy speak," Stephen continued, "These are clinical terms and clinical diagnoses. So for trained clinicians, these are tools that you use to help understand a case. Tools are tools. Tools in the hands of a skilled practitioner are very useful. Tools in the hands of an unskilled practitioner can be very dangerous."

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"So many of these terms are in the culture. Now, it's gotten very easy for people to latch on to them. But still, there are clinical tools with a very specific meaning — and they can be either misunderstood or manipulated very easily in relationships."

Stephen has seen similar dynamics play out with other couples, noting, "The points he was making do seem to be of a controlling nature, with his 'boundaries.' I want you to do this, I don't want you to do that. And that does happen, right? It's not always in this direction, gender-wise."

"From a pure communication perspective, in my practice as a couples counselor, text messages play a very negative role. They're ripe for miscommunication and all sorts of things can happen that would be much less likely to happen if you're talking face to face."

BuzzFeed further spoke with licensed clinical social worker Matt Lundquist, founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, who said, "As a therapist, I'm really intrigued by this question, which is with the language of therapy, and in this particular case, the language of boundaries, what sort of value are we adding? Rather than saying, 'I don't like it when you do this, I don't want a relationship when you do this.'"

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"[It's] not simply like, 'This is a thing that I feel' but 'This is the thing that I feel plus therapy has condoned this way of feeling,'" Matt continued. "'I'm not simply stating a preference that has a certain value system that underlies it, that women ought to be in the world in a particular way, men they're dating have a right to set limits on that' — rather than owning that, because I think that probably doesn't align with his self image of, I would assume, a progressive guy who supports women."

"['Boundaries'] functions as this extra layer of justification, that in reality doesn't really have much meaning. I think it doesn't really have much to do with therapy, or at least with good therapy," Matt added, further speaking about how terms like "self-care" and "trauma" have been adopted into the popular lexicon in ways that can often differ from their initial therapeutic conception.

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Matt said that he saw the relationship dynamics at play in two different ways. First, he saw it as a couple reaching an "impasse" — "not so different" from a situation where one partner might want to move and another might not want to.

However, he continued, "We don't want to ignore the gender part of this, which is men having a certain set of ideas about women's bodies and the kinds of relationships that women should have. And some men having the idea that they have a right, entitlement, and authority to stipulate that with the expectation that the women they're in a relationship with are going to comply with."

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BuzzFeed has reached out to Jonah Hill's representatives for comment on the alleged messages.

Note: Quotes have been edited for length and clarity.