We were never taught the important things in school...how to do taxes, how to understand insurance, how to remove your foot from your mouth, or how to talk about serious illness and dying.
Below are my tips on what not to do.
Don't share your treatment ideas.
I can't tell you how many times someone mentioned an article they saw on how (insert exotic fruit, positive thinking, boutique vitamins, etc.) can cure cancer. Believe me, I wish it would work, and so does someone facing that diagnosis.
Whatever treatment method they choose, they need to believe that it is the best possible option, and you should show you believe in it too, even if you do.
If you really believe you are on to something, buy the vitamins, bring over the healer and set up the essential oils. Just don't burden the patient with wondering if they are making the right treatment choice.
Don't say "if there is anything I can do..."
Instead of saying that empty phrase, offer to do something specific.
Say you'd like to bring over dinner on a particular day. Call when you're at the drug store and ask if there is something you can pick up. Ask to take the kids out for a playdate. Show up and rake the leaves. Just don't throw out an expression.
I know they mean well, but when you are this type of situation it is so hard to ask for help. My mother was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer just a few months after I graduated from college. I was running the family business, going home to spend time with my mommy, trying keeping the house together with extended family staying over, and dealing with a needy boyfriend. I didn't know how or who to ask for help.
Do what you feel comfortable. Seemingly minor acts can really help.
A neighbor who's kids I use to babysat stopped by with a giant cooler full of soft drinks, waters, and juices. Another friend asked if she could help decorate for the holidays. It's been 10 years and I remember their gestures so well and hold them in a special light.
Don't say "I'm praying for you".
I will spare you the details of the questionable types that said this so awkwardly or made me question why they felt the need to lie about praying. Luckily, facebook wasn't as widely used when my mother was dying. Those 1 like equals 5,000 prayers makes me cringe.
If you have a ritual or a connection with a higher power ask if you can include that person.
In that time period my faith was lacking, it touched my heart when an acquaintance of my parents asked if she could hold my hands and pray for my mother. I can't explain how moving it was to have someone talk to God so sweetly about my mother.
I have noticed some facebook comments where the prayers are typed out instead of just endless comments of "Praying for you" plus a handful of emojis. Taking the time to do that is very heartwarming, but if you are not spiritual don't fake it.
My mother's girlfriends said they all went out and had a glass of champagne to celebrate my mother life after they attended the funeral. Not saying they were heathens, but this is a great example of sharing something genuine, and specific.
Hearing how much someone cares for your loved one makes a lasting impact.
Don't bring flowers to the hospital, or mention why you need to leave.
Don’t say why you can’t come to the funeral.
I overheard an Aunt explaining that her adult daughter “can’t handle funerals” to another family member. I had some other cousins who didn’t show for whatever reason, even though my mother and I attended all their weddings and baby showers with gifts in tow.
It’s only a few hours out of your lifetime, but it is the final hours of someone else's.
I don’t want to hear your excuse. Never mention it and hope it goes unnoticed. You can show your support from a distance by sending flowers to the funeral home or church. Even a fruit or cookie bouquet sent to the house will let them know you care while avoiding the attendance topic altogether.
Don’t say that their loved one is a guarding angel by their side.
The feeling of permanence of losing my mother was so heavy in the first few years. I moved back in with my parents after graduating college and started working in my mother’s store. We shared so much, and the hole left was so massive. I couldn’t feel more alone. Even though I believe in Heaven and seeing her again one day, the expression can be infuriating.
Instead, just talk about them. Share a sweet memory or a funny moment.
David and Francine Wheeler lost their 6-year-old son during the Sandy Hook School shooting. In a recent interview, they explained, "The worst thing you can do to a grieving parent is not to mention the child. Then you’re not acknowledging his existence. And so when people do acknowledge it, I’m so appreciative. I say, “Oh, thank you for--” and even if I’m crying, they’re like, “I’m sorry I made you cry.” I’m like, “No, you didn’t make me cry. You brought him back.”
Don’t expect an honest answer to “How are you doing?”
Expect to receive answers from autopilot. It takes a lot of energy to get back to doing normal tasks.
“It felt like some people wanted an emotional reaction out of me,” a dear friend shared after unexpectedly losing her mother to cardiac arrest, “like they wanted me to break down in front of them.”
I wanted to escape my grief if only for a second and pretend I had a normal life. In the few month following my mother's passing, I would roam around at high-end stores where I knew the associates would be pleasant and chatty with me.
Realize they may be in shock, or just in survival mode.
Just remember to be genuine. If all else fails, keep your mouth shut and open your arms for a big hug.
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