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1. Keep your room cold. It’s scientifically proven by science that setting your bedroom thermostat lower helps facilitate sleep. Optimal temperature is around 60-67 degrees Fahrenheit—or the core temperature of a server room for a Bitcoin mining operation. But try and focus your thoughts away from Bitcoin and the regret of a comfortable life that is now unattainable.
2. Spray essential oils on your linens. Essential oils have a therapeutic and calming effect on the human body and that hippie-dippy stuff is the antithesis of the sterile, technological world of Bitcoin. Spraying your linens will help calm your anxiety-filled mind and slow your palpitating heart. A natural remedy in a world so cruel and artificial.
3. Change Your Mindset. Let these feelings go and understand that one door closing allows for another one to open. You are now free to jump on any bandwagon or potential ponzi scheme!
4. Heavy medication. You’ve tried but you just can’t let it go. It’s going to be a tough life living with this regret, knowing someone’s friend of a friend invested back in 2012 and now has everything they ever wanted--including access to illegal snake fighting at the Governor’s mansion. You know your body best. Stick to what you know.
5. Start a YouTube Channel. People love having Bitcoin explained to them and what better platform than YouTube. History has shown it is often times more lucrative to be an expert on something than to actually participate in it. Remember while Bitcoin may be skyrocketing, the most meaningful virtual currencies are views and double taps on Instagram.
6. If you still can’t sleep then get up and do something—like spreading rumors about a volatile market. Since cryptocurrency is all speculative, it relies on the trust of investors to survive. Its dizzying to think how quickly Bitcoin could crash if the market panicked. The motto, “Think global, act local” is a great motivating tool when spreading your grassroots rumors. While you may just be having a casual conversation at the gym or with your local hedge fund manager, your actions could very well lead to sending a multi-billionaire dollar trading market back to oblivion.
7. Play some Billy Joel. Billy Joel doesn’t give a bottle of red or a bottle of white about cryptocurrency. He’s already a millionaire and not one of his songs mentions something so ridiculous. Listen to his music and let his homely voice pull you into a nostalgic New York upbringing you never knew.
8. Serve as the people’s avante-garde. Remember that mustached lady killer, Salvador Dali? Well, he used to hold a spoon while he fell asleep. When the spoon would drop, he would wake up and paint what he dreamed of. That’s how we got that much needed painting of the tiger jumping out of a fish jumping out a pomegranate. Yoshiro Nakamatsu, inventor of many crucial things for life in modern society like the self defense wig, claims that diving underwater and depriving himself of oxygen always brings him his best ideas. Quentin Tarantino stares at women’s feet. Try and come up with a quirky way to work around your “No” block so you can come up with the next best thing like a functional government or waist trainers for pregnant women!
9. Uberman Sleep. Ask any Wall Street executive what the number 1 reason for their success is--after cocaine, the next reason will always be Uberman Sleep. Uberman Sleep is the very healthy sleeping cycle consisting of six 20 minute naps, which equals the total running time of 2009’s Best Picture winner, Slumdog Millionaire. Uberman Sleep is a great way to get around the frustrating nightly routine of trying to sleep but being unable to due to your haunting past mistakes and the crushing waves of regret. With Uberman Sleep you can instantly slip into a deep sleep at your desk, while driving, or even bathing your children. Speak to your doctor about any family history of being Koalas as this sleep schedule will be problematic.
10. Debate buying Ethereum. You didn’t buy Bitcoin, but the fastest growing cryptocurrency is actually Ethereum. Sit on that idea until it’s too late to buy in.
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