1. Chad Mcghee, Everyone. Everyone, Chad Mcghee.
The pride of Knox City, Texas crushes cans… and hearts.
2. D4NNY says goodbye to all the H8ERS, goodbye to all his fans…
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye
…and goodbye to the myth that with enough autotuning, anyone can sound on-key.
3. One of these toy guns is not like the other…
I’d point out which one it is, but I wouldn’t want to be a dildo about it.
4. What’s better than girls falling off skateboards?
How about girls falling off skateboards in an infinite loop?
5. Oh wonderful. Passive-aggression now comes in pop-song mode.
First of all, you probably didn’t get the mass text because you’re 25 and still hanging around a high school.
Fun fact: Tay Allyn is what we call a double-threat. She can act, too! She played someone who didn’t know she was pregnant in I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. Tay, what can’t you do (besides receive mass texts)?
6. Paging Tosh.0… and Child Services.
7. An Aussie gentleman maintains his dignity, and penis, during an arrest.
Update: Man escaped. Penis still in custody.
8. Gravity: 1, Sexy Cliché: 0
9. And of course the biggest winners of all, our neighbors to the south.
It’s tempting to think of a panicked bald eagle soaring through a loud megachurch as a perfect metaphor for the United States, but on the other hand… actually no, go ahead and think of it as a metaphor.