1. John McClane = (Dirty Harry + Roy Rogers) / 2 + ⅛ Kojak
One of Hollywood’s baddest bad-asses and the role that continues to define Bruce Willis’s career, John McClane is the ultimate Everyman Action Hero Slash Cowboy With A Code. Also? The first Die Hard is the best Christmas movie ever made.
2. Sarah Connor = Bear Grylls + (Lara Croft - Money)
Like Cassandra from Greek mythology, Sarah Connor has seen the future, and nobody believes her. So she does what anyone would do: Breaks out of her mental hospital, teams up with a time-travelling cyborg and trains her ten-year-old son to be an unstoppable survivalist force for good.
4. Seal Team Six = 300 Spartans + Ninjas - bin Laden
If you are a terrorist, these guys are LITERALLY in your nightmares. Not only did they kill bin Laden and save hostages from Somali Pirates, they also… oh that’s right. We’re not allowed to know. Because they’re not just the hardest-core fighting force on the planet, they’re so secret that nobody knows what they look like.
5. Vladimir Putin = (Ivan Drago + Boris Badenov)/2 + √(Richard Branson + [-1 x James Bond])
Which of the following animals has Putin brought down by himself?
C) Polar Bear
All of them, stupid. Vladimir Putin, a real-life Bond villain if there ever was one, also rides with a biker gang called Night Wolves, flies fighter jets, puts out forest fires, is a judo master who literally wrote the book on judo, ran the KGB during the golden years…. and is standing. Right. Behind. You.
6. Beatrix Kiddo = Revenge + work ethic
Death is afraid of Beatrix Kiddo AKA The Bride AKA Uma Thurman from Kill Bill. She knows the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique. She is the greatest in the world with a sword. She slaughters the world’s deadliest gang in minutes. And she kills Bill… by breaking his heart… with her hand.
7. Sergeant Stubby = Rin Tin Tin + Rambo
Sergeant Stubby the Pit Bull started life as a malnourished stray, and by the time of his death in 1926 had participated in 17 battles, met three US Presidents, caught a German spy, survived a mustard gas attack and attended Georgetown Law (you heard right), all by the age of 9. Oh, and Sergeant Stubby isn’t his name. Stubby is his name. He had the actual rank of Sergeant. Which means he gave orders. What does your dog do?
8. Mr. T = Muhammed Ali x A Junkyard Dog - [(jibber jabber) + (pity for fools)]
First name: Mister.
Middle name: Period.
Last name: T.
10. Tom Brady = Man - Flaws
Best quarterback in history? Yeah, probably. The living embodiment of the American dream? Sure. Married to a supermodel? Check. But before you hate the player, consider that the two-time Super Bowl MVP wasn’t one of those destined-for-greatness, can’t-miss kind of players. The 6th round draft pick didn’t even start in college. He worked his ass off, got one opportunity, and never looked back.
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