1. Sushi burritos
It's just a little too much raw fish in one bite.
2. Rainbow food
A rainbow-dyed bagel might make for a great 'gram, but I'd rather wait an hour in line for a food that's objectively superior in taste and not just different in appearance.
3. Zucchini pasta
IDK, I won't discount the health component of this, but zucchini can be enjoyed in so many more delicious ways. Save the bolognese sauce for the carby stuff.
4. Cauliflower pizza
^^^ see above.
5. Matcha-flavored everything
I love matcha, but it's actually pretty bitter and vegetal in taste. I'd rather have it in its original tea form, with all the nutritional benefits.
6. Elevated toast
Is it a sandwich? Is it avocado toast?! What is it?!?!
7. Deconstructed coffee
Maybe it's just me, but I'm always in a rush if I'm buying coffee and can't stand this tedium of mixing the ingredients myself.
8. Microbreweries
In the words of Anthony Bourdain, "A bar is to go to get a little bit buzzed, and pleasantly derange the senses, and have a good time, and interact with other people, or make bad decisions, or feel bad about your life. It's not to sit there fucking analyzing beer."
9. Artisanal pickles
You can't makeeeee me pay $40 for brined cucumber.
10. Smoothie bowls
This is just too pretty to eat, and should not be considered a food.
11. Green juices
Juicing a fruit or vegetable actually removes most of its nutrients, so perhaps cold-pressed juices are not the healthiest way to lose weight.
12. Fancy chocolate bars
Just take me back to the days when Ferrero Rocher was fancy.
13. Food served on cutting boards:
Just been served scrambled eggs on a wooden board. Peak culinary hipster?
If only they invented a more lightweight, ceramic, low-walled version of this board to neatly contain all the food.
14. Overloaded desserts
I mean, I guess they're nice to look at.
15. Mason-jarred everything
Ain't nobody got time for extra dishes.