The tradition of a bride wearing their mother’s wedding dress at their own ceremony is commonly done in many cultures to “honor a mother's love and sacrifice.”
But according to Brides, an in-depth resource for brides-to-be, this sweet tradition can create problems due to the sustainability of vintage material and the need for dress resizing.
And that is exactly the case when it comes to this story, told by a man, u/Potential-Junket-193, who sought advice from strangers in the Am I The Asshole subreddit about his decision not to allow his daughter to wear her late mother's wedding dress at her own wedding because doing so would require cutting the dress to resize.
Here's the story in u/Potential-Junket-193's own words:
"My late wife was a very small person. When we got married, she was only 115 pounds. So, her wedding dress size reflects that. She passed away two years ago, so she will not attend our daughter's wedding that will be in 2025. Now, my daughter wants to wear the dress and I told her it wouldn’t be a good idea since she won’t be able to squeeze into it."
"She told me she can just up the size of it and I told her I would think about it. I looked into it and they basically cut the dress up to size it up. I informed her that she can’t wear the dress since they would be cutting it up. This resulted in a huge argument about me gatekeeping my wife’s things. I told her no again, and that she can wear some of her jewelry. She hung up. She clearly thinks I am a jerk and my sons are now on me to give up the dress. Am I the asshole?"
After reading through the post, several users felt that the father was not the asshole for wanting to preserve his wife's memory by not altering the dress.
"Not the asshole. It would require basically a redesign and I understand why you may not be comfortable with that. Honestly, since you have another daughter, I think it's pretty unfair that the oldest just assumes she should get it and be allowed to make such large changes to it. This is a dress she wore to get married to you. These are your memories and you have every right to say you're not ready to let it go yet. Grief is brutal and we all cope differently. I think the jewelry was a great alternative."
—ShayDragon
Another user, u/darkswanjewelry, agreed and argued that the father is the primary person for whom the dress has the most sentimental value, since it was worn on his wedding day.
Emphasizing that point, another user wrote:
"A year ago, I probably would have said you were an asshole. Your wife doesn’t need the dress and won’t be able to go shopping, so why not? But in the last year, I lost my mom after taking care of her in my home for nine years. My point is that I now realize that people grieve differently and we cannot dictate to someone else what they should or should not do. You are not ready to give up your late wife’s dress to be cut up and remade. It’s that simple — you’re not ready. End of discussion. Not the asshole."
—JustUgh2323
However, users like u/yuiopouu completely disagreed and felt that the dress represents the daughter's late mother being with her on her wedding day and that should be prioritized.
"As a mom, I can’t imagine prioritizing an intact dress on my deathbed over the potential joy my daughter would get from wearing it. I’m actually planning my wedding and I love the dress I’m going to get. If I am still alive when my daughter gets married, I’d prefer for it not to be altered beyond recognition, but if she wanted to wear it and needed it altered to fit her, I’d be honored. If I’m not alive, the thought of not being present on an important day is heartbreaking to me and if she can alter the dress to make it fit, I would want that. I’m sorry but you're the asshole here, as I don’t think you’re really considering the fact that your daughter doesn’t have a mother to shop with or be at her wedding. The dress represents that for her."
—yuiopouu
And finally, a user suggested a compromise for both the father and daughter:
