How BuzzFeed Helped Me Open Up With Myself

I felt trapped and isolated, until they made me realise I wasn't alone.

Wow this is going to be long and depressing. You can click off if you want, I give you permission to.

Its around 2015. I finally build up the courage to say to my mother that I felt wrong. That I felt different inside.

I told her, with all of the courage inside of me, that I thought I was transgender.

She turned and stared at me, looking me hard in the eye. She finally turned away and said, "No you aren't."

I look at her like she's just denied me the chance to be a millionaire. I was fuming that she thought she could dictate on what I felt like inside. I exploded with rage, shouting at her and saying "WHY DO YOU THINK YOU KNOW ME? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY?"

It did turn out that she was right in the end. It was just a passing phase at wanting to be male. But still, inside of me, I kept feeling that I wasn't right. I was the one who was wrong, not my mother, not the media, not counsellors, but ME.

I realised a few months ago I identify as nonbinary.I just have this feeling inside that I'm not a girl, but that I don't feel that I would feel right as a guy. It doesn't help that I am a young teen, but I remember when I was about 5 one occasion. I had just began my second year of public schooling, and my mother had bought my school shoes without me knowing. I was outraged at the sparkling thread, the floppy bow lying on the toe. But worst of all, they were BALLET PUMPS.

I, a bossy little five year old who tired their hardest to get their own way, cried until I made my mother see sense and let me wear the shoes I wanted to. They ended up being the clumpy, light up Jack Nano's from Clarks, but I was delighted and everyone else found them cool too.

Fast forward to this year. I'm still in mandatory schooling, and so far, this has been the worst year yet. I've experienced mild mental health issues, stemming from an undiagnosed attention problem (another thing my mother forbade me from doing- having ADHD. Sigh.) but this year I've faced depression, anxiety and panic attacks. There's the underlying pressure of being a semi-closeted bisexual (its just my family in the dark really but they choose not to be straight allies) and the overwhelming stress of WHATAMIGOINGTODOWITHMYSELFWHENILEAVETHISDUMPAGHHHHHH, and then prom season was coming up. I (fortunately) wasn't at this year's prom, but everybody was going to after parties and pre-prom drinks and I just was there like "guys I exist too why don't we go to pride that's quite fun"

I have watched BuzzFeed Motion Pictures for nearly 5 years now, and NEVER have I enjoyed anything as much as I have done Queer Prom. It was beautiful, it was funny, it was everything I would want to be a part of. The people who organised it, the people who went, the supportive parents, it just made something inside of me realise that I wasn't the only person in the world in an awkward situation. I wasn't the only person with gender and sexuality issues, terrified to break into the world. I wasn't the only person. I wasn't alone.

A lot of my friends hate on BuzzFeed, but honestly? I'm proud to say I read and watch it. It's one of the most LGBTQ+ friendly media companies and just people in general, an to that, I say thank you to BuzzFeed. Not everyone or everything is as open or informative as this website, and it has pretty much helped me my entire child and teenage hood.