1. Son, I want you to find what makes you feel alive in this world and follow that dream. Unless your dream is something stupid like ribbon dancing, in which case you should probably stop being a dumbass.
2. By the smell of you, it seems like you don’t think cleanliness is important. Well think again, son. It’s really goddamn important.
…Except when the humans are giving you a bath. That’s when you take your dignity and run far, far away.
3. If someone says something is a “super food,” you have been told two things: 1. That person is dumbass. 2. That food will not taste good at all.
4. Everything is better with bacon on it. Except for cranberry sauce, but even that’s negotiable.
5. Listen to me: if you don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” YOU ARE a dumbass.
6. Son, if something pisses you off, you gotta give it hell. I made that red dot regret the day it was born.
7. You gotta remember that you are your own greatest ally and most formidable enemy…
…but when you look this good, it’s hard to think of someone who’d be better for the job.
8. Never let your guard down in a port-o-potty, son. Never.
9. When you make love to a woman for the first time, look deep into her eyes. Remember that this will be the best night of her life thus far.
10. Question everything. Especially people who wear crocs.
11. Son, no one gives a shit about your workout routine, so stop talking about it.
12. Never, ever, underestimate the power of a good belly rub. That shit’s the best.
13. Respect greatness when you see it. (This is greatness, son.)
14. Don’t bother people with pictures of your kids unless they’re as cute as I was as a baby.
And there’s no way in hell your kids are this cute.
Even with the flash on — no contest.
15. Oh, and also? Stop taking vertical video on your goddamn phone. You’re pissing me off.
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