It's important to call out problematic actions, but what if some of your most toxic behaviors are things that you didn't even realize you were doing?
Recently, Reddit user u/moth-flame asked, "What do people not recognize as bullying, but actually is?"
1. "Criticizing people at every chance possible, justifying it as 'real-world preparation.'"
"Criticizing and attacking someone and labeling it as 'helping' by being honest. You're not honest; you're just a fucking asshole with a superiority complex.
A dude in my friend group at school would lead an attack on this one girl and would defend it by saying, 'If I don't tell her how shit she is, she'll never know, and she'll never stop being shit, and other people will tell her.'
The others would eat it up, and I seemed to be the only one who saw how cruel and gross it was. I remember telling them how awful they were, and they honestly sat there shocked."
2. "My biggest bullying example always came from the adults in my family comparing the younger cousins. Like, 'So and so has all this education in this or that field, and they're not doing anything with it. You don't want to be like that, do you?' Or, 'It's on you if you don't make something out of yourself, like so and so.' Just ugh."
3. "Dating someone through a dare."
4. "Subtly needling and harassing someone until they snap at you and get mad so that the bully can cry about what a mean and evil person they are (usually with the end goal of turning people against the victim or further isolating them). Manipulative bullying is the worst kind to me, if only because it’s so easy for the bully to hide and get people to blame the victim."
5. "There were girls in my year at school that used to shout out, 'Oh wow, where did you get your hair done?' to me which never seemed like an insult until you saw them giggling and pointing. Teachers never picked up on it, and it took me a while to even figure it out myself until one girl confessed at the end of the year that they were making fun of my hair."
6. "Exclusion is pretty bad. It's not 'bullying' because they're not hurting or otherwise harassing the person, but it hurts your confidence, self-image, and much more. A lot of the people in my old friend group were 'unavailable,' some because they actually had issues with me, some because of their own mental and life problems. Either way, it killed me for the longest time not knowing if I was annoying or being shitty when it was really that these people were just not willing to communicate even when approached. I eventually learned that it's not my responsibility to constantly try to initiate things with these people and that if they weren't going to try, then they clearly don't care about keeping my friendship."
8. "When people get called on their terrible behavior and try to pretend they’re the victim instead of actually taking accountability for their actions. People fuck up. It happens all the time. It’s easy to say sorry, learn your lesson, and not do the shitty thing again."
9. "It's more subtle, but I think that toxic positivity is just bullying someone into shutting up about their unpleasant feelings. 'Just think about happy things! Be positive! There are people who have it so much worse!' Yeah, fuck you, Pollyanna. I get to feel things."
10. "Teasing a child when they have a friend of another gender. 'Ooh, is this your girlfriend/boyfriend?'"
11. "Backhanded compliments: 'Wow, that haircut looks good on you! It covers the acne on your forehead really well!' It's an insult, not a compliment. I wish people would notice this more."
12. "Forcing someone else's child to hug you, and then telling them they have bad manners when they refuse."
13. "'Helping' someone so that you can suggest that person is not capable of doing something without your intervention."
14. "Forcing an introvert to be an extrovert."
15. "Withholding information from someone to create a power imbalance. It happens a lot in work environments and, by definition, is considered a form of bullying."
16. "Forcing someone to 'forgive.' You don't need to forgive in order to move on. Forgetting actually works, and it is a real option. Sure, forgiving can help, but nobody in existence has the right to insult you for not being able to forgive."
17. "Teasing kids for doing anything you WANT them to do, I'll never understand it. 'Oh look, Miss Solitary came to visit us for dinner, how exceptional!' 'Oh my, did Mr. Procrastination do his homework early today?' 'You cleaned your room? What did you do with the real Jeremy?' Why do parents mock their own children for doing the thing they want them to do?"
18. "If I ask you not to address me a certain way and you insist on doing it anyway because you don't think that I should be offended. I legit quit my dream job after six months of my new manager refusing to stop calling me 'Young Lady.'"
19. "Giving people unsolicited advice about their weight and claiming that you’re 'just worried about their health.' Unless you are seeking out the medical history of everyone that you care about, you might want to consider that your motives aren’t as pure as you think. People who aren’t super skinny get told constantly that they’re fat or they need to lose weight. Your comments and 'advice' don’t actually help; they just make that person feel worse about themselves and less likely to make healthy choices."
20. "I don’t know if it counts, but I consider forced conversations and prying to be bullying. When you’re not ready to discuss something or just don’t want to and someone may ask about it repeatedly or even get mad that you chose to keep something to yourself, it’s emotional bullying."
21. "Belittling other cultures because their lifestyle and values don't align with westerners. If a fish is used to being in the sea, it does not mean that the land is a bad place just because it's unfamiliar with the environment."
22. "The silent treatment. I don’t mean delaying replying to an email or something; I mean genuinely not acknowledging the other person."
24. "Medical bullying is a real problem. There is a real problem with the medical community dismissing concerns of women, BIPOC, and LGBTQ+, and being very rude about it in the process. We see police called out for this all the time, but the medical community hasn’t even been called out for their sexism yet, let alone racism and homophobia. For example, a urinary tract infection in men and children is considered a big deal and they will be treated. Try asking for treatment for a UTI as an adult woman. Because it’s often caused by having sex, they will act like you’re disgusting and refuse you medication. It’s an inherently sexist and 'slut-shaming' policy."
25. "My personal favorite, being mean because 'they have a crush on you.' A lot of people seem to think that it’s not bullying and is cute."
26. "Things customers do in order to flex their control over retail workers, especially when the workers are younger than them. Like saying things like, 'Good to see you youngins working hard,' 'You should smile more,' or any of those cliché jokes. It's hard for me to explain, but they make you uncomfortable just because they find it amusing, and they can pass it off as harmless teasing."
